What Do I Say? What Do I Do?

IF YOU’RE GONNA PLAY WITH YOURSELF… MAKE IT A GOOD GAME!

Difference

I seldom procrastinate. I’m not a druggie or a drinker, don’t self medicate and I quit smoking. Lord knows I’m not overly modest. Self-injury and cutting don’t appeal to me nor do shopping sprees. So, I’m fine, right? I don’t play the self-sabotage game, do I? I mean, seriously, I did a lot of research on self-sabotage and those things seem to be the most common ways that we shoot ourselves in the foot (so to speak). And, yet, somehow, deep down inside, I have this crazy feeling that, even though I don’t see it, maybe… just maybe… I may be getting in my own way and sabotaging my greatness. I like to play Sudoku, candy crush and solitaire, but self-sabotage is not the game I want to play with myself!

Okay, I admit it, I am a people pleasing, comfort eating, put the other guy first type of humanoid. And I do have a very LOUD inner critic that I constantly have to ignore, but what does all that mean?  How could that stuff be stopping me?  Is it possible that those silly little habitual behaviors – including the things I do that (I think) make me a nice person, are also the things that are holding me back and tripping me up?  Naw, it couldn’t be, could it?

Maybe this is one of those areas of life where it’s waaaay easier to see where someone else is screwing up than it is to recognize where you’re doing it. I’ll put you under the microscope. Okay… sit back and relax, then, while I look at YOU (That’s the ‘global’ you, not YOU you)!

Let me think… what have I noticed, or said to ‘them’ about their obvious bouts of ‘self-defeating doings’? It’s so much easier to recognize that stuff when someone else is doing it.

“By the time I got there the job was taken.”

You might have gotten the job if you had gotten there a little bit earlier. Remember we talked about you being first in line. (Wait a minute, I’ve done that.)

“I’m so angry at myself for skipping my workout!”

Wait, now you’re going to eat the cupcake because you already blew it today by skipping the gym? (Oops, this might have been me once or twice.)

“That jerk finally called after I waited for three full days, so I didn’t take his call.”

You spent three days hoping he’d call and then when he finally did call you didn’t even talk to him? (Hmm, I may have “cut off my nose to spite my face” a time or two.)

“It’s fine. I don’t need the help. I can do it myself.”

Of course you can, but wouldn’t it be a lot faster and easier if you let someone help you

(There may have been a time or two when my stubbornness got in the way.)

Okay, ENOUGH ALREADY!!! I’m getting it. You don’t have to hit me over the head with a two by four! I self-sabotage. I see that. It’s a stupid game. No one ever plays it with me and I never seem to win! I QUIT!!!

File That Under “S” for Someone Else’s Problem!

Not my pig. Not my farm.

It’s beyond my boundaries.

You can try, but, honestly, you really can’t save most people from themselves. It’s easy to get deeply sucked into other people’s drama. We all have at least one or two of those folks in our lives; the Drama Queens and Drama Kings. They’re the ones who live in a constant state of chaos.  And, like Pig Pen, the Peanuts character who lives under a dark cloud, are perpetually suffering, always victims and always with insurmountable problems… for YOU to solve.

Those folks, the ones who keep telling that same story (with, perhaps, different characters added or a change of venue to keep it ‘fresh and new’) might ask for your advice. They might even appear to listen with great interest. They may thank you profusely and sing your praises as a wise and loving sage. But, in the end, it’s unlikely that you made any significant difference over there at all. They did look like they were listening, but your brilliant words never made it beyond their outer ears.

Don’t be concerned about their inability to really have heard what you said. When the water clears, they won’t really appreciate your interference in their latest crisis, anyway. They may act like they want your advice, but they probably don’t. They may seem to beg for your “aw, poor baby” sympathy, but they probably don’t actually want to change, at all. And, although even they may think they’re looking for your help… they’re NOT!

It’s a wild and wacky Cosmic Joke! They don’t want their problems solved, their emotional addictions and distractions taken away, their stories resolved, or their messes cleaned up. Truth is, they don’t want their lives fixed, not by YOU – or anybody else for that matter.

Why not? Well, think about it. If you did all that for them, what would they have to do? To say? If you nullify their misery and take away their stories (by eliminating their myriad of ‘problems’)… what have they got left? They don’t know and they aren’t ready to know yet. And, hey, last time I checked, telling them was not on your job description!

Call me crazy, but I’m thinkin’ that we each have enough of our own issues to deal with… we don’t need anyone else’s, do we?  And beyond that, when we take on someone else’s problems we:

  1. Add to our own stress
  2. Disempower them
  3. Set ourselves up to be used, abused and disrespected!

Looks like the conversation is, once again, about to turn back to boundaries – yours and theirs. If boundaries are, in deed, the demarcation of where your responsibility starts and everyone else’s ends (or vice versa if you’re looking over from the ‘other side of the line’), enforce those boundaries with giant KEEP OUT signs and patrol diligently!

If the junkyard dog invited you inside the gate… to hang out, would you go? Didn’t think so. If Brer Rabbit asked you not to throw him into the briar patch would you agree? Come on, then, impose your boundaries and stop crossing your own lines. When someone who’s not you, hands you a folder marked “Issues for you to Solve”, file it under ‘S’ for ‘Someone Else’s Problem!

Oh, You Don’t Say! I Thought I Didn’t Hear Something.

Dr, Seuss

When he brought me that first box of chocolates – that very first time – I should have said, “Thanks, but I don’t eat candy and I don’t do chocolate.” But, it was so sweet of him and he looked so pleased with himself and I didn’t want to embarrass him, so I just said “thanks” and offered him a piece. On Valentines’ Day he sent me a dozen long stemmed CHOCOLATE roses… and I politely called to say “thanks” – grateful that he’d be out of town and not notice that they hadn’t been eaten. But when he showed up with two-dozen chocolate dipped strawberries on my birthday, I lost it. Somehow I made him the bad guy for not knowing that I didn’t eat candy. No, I never told him… but he should have known! I mean, really, if he truly cared about me… Needless to say, we aren’t ‘together’ any more.

My ex sister-in-law (who is, coincidentally, also my ex best friend) is in a coma and I honestly don’t know why she hasn’t spoken to me (except for a second at her dad’s funeral) since her brother and I split up ten years ago. Though I didn’t call her, I did make two somewhat awkward written attempts to reconcile over the years, but she didn’t acknowledge either. Then I sent a letter when I heard about her cancer and an email when she went into remission. She never responded. Word is I won’t get a chance to talk to her now…

If she had just told me that she was a vegan, instead of trying to be the perfect ‘trouble-free’ guest and cause no hassle, I would have made something that all of us could eat and enjoy. Instead, she said nothing; ate only bread and butter and a little salad (picking out all the ‘bad’ stuff). I felt like the world’s worst hostess and she wasn’t feelin’ so great, either!

He was one of my oldest, dearest friends so I guess I cut him more than a little slack. I didn’t tell him how much it upset me when he changed his plans to do something with me at the last minute or showed up hours late.  I guess I figured it was ‘just the way he was’ and there was nothing I could do about it. Besides, on some level, as miserable as it made me feel, I did think that his life was somehow more important than mine. So I just ‘sucked it up’ and said nothing. When I finally did snap (right after I wrote the blog about boundaries – coincidence???) I let him have it with ‘both barrels’! And, by the way, after a bit of a cry, we’re now closer than ever!

My mother (who will be 93 this year) has always ‘just sucked it up’. ‘Guess that’s where I learned to do it. This wonderful lady mastered the art of seeming to be unimportant. Rather than say what she wanted, needed or felt, for her it has always been about someone else. She made herself ‘less than’ so someone else (usually my father) could be ‘more than’. Throughout the last 50 or 60 years, no matter what was going on, she was ‘fine’ (which, I’m sure, is why I detest that word!) and no matter what she wanted or needed, she said ‘nothing’, asked for nothing and generally refused whatever she was offered. I think it’s fair to say that I have developed a tendency to ‘over-share’ and speak my mind as a backlash to watching my mother train others to undervalue and disrespect her. Now, in her ‘twilight’ years, still quietly (or silently) declaring to the world that she is unimportant, she cannot understand why no one seems to put her first.

I admit it, there are those times when, either fearing that I will make an enemy, or make a fool of myself, I withhold. Not wanting to be judged by others, I judge myself and sentence me to silence.

You’d think that we humans would be savvy enough to say what we mean, mean what we say and ask for what we want and need, wouldn’t you? So, what gets in the way? Dr. Seuss knew…  “Be who you are and say what you feel… because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind!”

 

BE GRATEFUL FOR THE PUZZLE THAT IS YOUR LIFE!

Jigsaw

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle…

except we can’t look

at the picture on the box

to see that it will all fit together.

~Auntye Sandye

Humor me whilst I do a little Forrest Gump-like thing, will you? Life is like a box of chocolates… except in our case, it’s been chopped up into 1000s of little pieces for us to fit together without a box liner photo to follow, without the surety that we actually have all the pieces, without knowing how big it will be, how long it will take to finish and whether or not the finishing of it will be easy or hard, memorable or regret-filled. And yet, somehow it ALWAYS does fit together, each piece does fit in somewhere and we celebrate the miracle of completion…

Said another way, “There is always a ton of stuff to be grateful for – though sometimes we have to look hard and long before we can discover it.” The best news is that once we discover it, more of it keeps showing up. The more you are grateful, the more you have to be grateful for…

Case in point: My life completely fell apart and it felt like I had nothing to be grateful for… At the age of 58 I was ready to retire and be a tennis playing, volunteering, lunch-with-the-ladies, stay-at-home wife. Then, within the course of only 18 months, I sold and walked away from the joy-filled business I had loved, my husband of almost 20 years decided he wanted ‘out’ of our marriage, my beloved father became ill and died, I had surgery on my knee, a 28 lb. box of books was dropped on my face and a car accident sent me into 8 months of rehab.

Then I read some books on gratitude. You can imagine how well that went over with me. It’s one thing to say “thank-you” for the good stuff in life – how was I going to be grateful for my current situation? I didn’t feel grateful for any of it! I didn’t deserve to have my wonderful life turned completely upside-down. None of it was fair!

Then came the exercise that changed my life. The instructions were simple. Find a quiet place to sit. Close your eyes. Think of 10 things to be grateful for that would not have been possible without the circumstances that you currently define as “bad”.

It was after 10pm… dark, but a magnificent star-filled summer night, so I decided to do this exercise on the patio. I sat there for what felt like hours and came up with nothing. Really, what good could come out of any of this? Then #1 hit me… like a ton of bricks; if I hadn’t sold my company and my husband had not left, I would not have been able to spend all that wonderful, quality time with my father before he died. Didn’t go over there much with my husband. Went there a lot on my own. I got to be complete with my dad.

And, if I hadn’t had the knee surgery there’d be no possibility of ever playing tennis again. I loved tennis. This was getting easier. I wouldn’t have been surrounded with so much love from my girlfriends (and I had never really liked that whole ‘I love my ladies’ scene before). I got my relationship back with my kid brother (who was persona non gratis with my ex). There was plenty of time for me to be with my mom and support her through her loss. And I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy grilled onions in my food (My ex  hated onions). I wouldn’t have joined the botanical gardens or realized how happy I felt walking through them…

By the time I got to #45 I was laughing through my tears. What a shift! The more I found to be grateful for… the more I found to be grateful for!

The pieces of my puzzle were falling into place.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO THAT I’LL PLAY CANDY CRUSH…

By:  Sandye Linnetz

Candy Crush

You know the feeling. I had it just an hour ago. It’s that fuzzy headed, stomach tightening, anxiety ridden sense that you’re doomed. You can’t possible get it ALL done, so what’s the use? Why tackle it? I mean, really, where do you even start? Everything is important. Most of it’s kinda urgent. You promised to finish all of it by bedtime tonight…

So you sit down to attempt it (okay, I sat down to attempt it) and found myself first staring blindly at the computer screen and then beginning to ‘surf’. Even though I know better… even though I tell my clients to eliminate distractions, turn off attention grabbing dings, buzzes and rings and tackle the tough stuff first – today I simply vegged! Unfocused and unsure of what to do first, I started out on what I randomly chose to be task #1 – not because it was the most important – just because. Okay, truth? Because it was mindless. Then, almost immediately, I decided to take a smoke break… Went downstairs and remembered that I don’t smoke anymore. Walked back upstairs to my office and checked my email, facebook and my nails. I moved papers around on my desk. I went to the bathroom. I DID EVERYTHING BUT GET TO WORK!

See, this morning I had this whole list in my head (danger! The list was WHERE???) from business stuff to personal calls and from household chores to weights to lift, but I just couldn’t seem to get started on anything! I promised myself that I’d write three blog posts, work out with my weights for 20 minutes and take a quick shower within the next two hours. I PROMISED! Then I had the brilliant thought that perhaps a quick game of Candy Crush would relax me and get me into work mode. Fifteen guilt-ridden minutes and two levels later…

STOP!

That’s the way it was for me (though perhaps I was a bit more frenetic than the picture I just painted). For a full 37 minutes I did nothing of ‘value’. I was in the process of berating myself and feeling crappy, when I literally shouted: “STOP!” Clearly it was time for me to follow my very wise coaching advice … and a re-frame.

First I congratulated myself on taking the 37minute break that I so obviously needed. I reminded myself that taking care of my needs allows me to be a far better producer! Then, sitting at my desk, I took a few deep breaths, drank some water and began to make a task list. When the list felt complete and the absolutely must dos had been circled, I turned off the ringer on my phone and the sound on my computer and dived into the list – starting with the stuff that HAD to be done.  The new clarity was joy producing!

So here I am, blogging away… checking stuff off my list… feeling pleased with myself and the world. I’ll play a quick game of candy crush later!

DON’T FORGET THAT ASPIRIN

By Sandye Linnetz

Aspirin

In case you didn’t read the “Sometimes You Just Need A Good Ole Generic Aspirin” blog post, I suggest you do that now. Hey, even if you did read it, read it again. Come on, it’s not even 300 words – it’ll take like two minutes… and it will be worth it. As a matter of note, it just may be what you need to create a whole new appreciation for your business, your self or those thoughts you keep having that just don’t seem to gel with the current popular wisdom.

In business, having a specific niche (i.e., specialized and specific corner of the market) does make marketing easier. It does make developing materials easier. Fact is, it makes a lot of things easier.

Personally, you having a well-defined niche (a comfortable or suitable position in life) makes it easier to make choices; What will you wear? Who will your friends be?

However, another way to say ‘niche’ is PIGEON HOLE, and personally, I don’t want to be stuck in one! I want the freedom to make choices – in my business and my personal life, without regard to what common wisdom says I ‘should do’! Seriously, common wisdom says dump all the negative people in your life… what if some of them just need a little mindset adjustment, or your loving support through some tough times? Business, ‘they’ say, is about making money… and I have no objection to making tons of it, but not at the expense of my dignity, self-esteem or integrity. I will not make promises (or implications) of miracles that I’m not sure I can deliver – just to get someone else’s dollar.

So, where does the aspirin come in, you ask? Well, aspirin’s niche is ‘anyone with aches, pains, fever, inflammation’… that, at one time or another, is pretty much the whole dang planet, isn’t it? It is a non-specific, generic drug that can make you feel better and perhaps allow you to then choose a specific, niche doctor or treatment for your specific ailment. That’s, by the way, what I do. I am not a psychiatrist (and I’ve never played one on TV) – but I will certainly recommend one, if necessary. Through conversation and coaching I empower people to feel better, see if there’s ‘work to be done’ on a specific issue and then guide you toward finding the best tools, resources and people for tackling it. I am aspirin.

400,000 tons of aspirin are consumed a year… if you’re aspirin, you’re a member of a pretty significant community.

OBSTACLES, INFLUENCE AND CURIOSITY, OH MY!

OBSTACLES, INFLUENCE AND CURIOSITY, OH MY!

By Sandye Linnetz

I was asked some very interesting questions today in preparation for a radio interview. So interesting that I thought I’d share them – and my answers – with you. You could say that this was my personal “What Do I Say?” for today.  I’m generally so busy asking questions that just allowing myself the time to ‘ponder’ the answers (particularly because they were my answers) was quite the thought-provoking exercise for me, so…

If you’re ready for a little ‘workout’ yourself, consider how you might answer them (and feel free to share; either here or in the Facebook group). Here they are – very slightly paraphrased and followed by my answers:

Question #1: When faced with obstacles what keeps you going?

I’m a master re-framer with a ‘glass is full’ attitude about life! I expect miracles, so I find them. When I wake up in the morning I don’t tend to worry or ‘wonder’ about what the day will bring, I’m far more likely to design it and step into my creation! When I make up stuff (as we all do), I tend to make up really good stuff! Obstacles are learning opportunities and I love puzzles, games and problem solving. How can we not stop going when the game is on?

 Question #2: Other than a coach, who has influenced you the most?

Easy question (though there are multiple answers). I’ll go with: my mother. Fifty plus years ago I remember her telling me that she had a great idea for a business. She believed that most people were hungry for someone to listen to them, and since she was a good listener, she should set up a phone line just for people to call in and talk… and she’d listen. People, she told me, want to talk about themselves; what they think, how they feel. Everyone wants to feel heard and be visible. Although she never took it on as a business, she did practice it ad infinitum. She’s that woman who makes new best friends wherever she goes. She loves people and loves to hear their stories.

That idea sat in the back reaches of my spirit for years – didn’t even realize that I was actually creating a business in line with what she had taught me as a child.

Question #3: How has curiosity played a role in your business/life?

I don’t claim to have all the answers, I only promise to seek them out! And that urge to know something, my natural curiosity, leads me to astounding people, places, ideas and opportunities. Curiosity compels me to find out – both if what I think is so, is actually so, and, if it isn’t, what is?

Many things in life delight me, none so much as learning something I didn’t know and didn’t even know that I didn’t know! Learning is a huge turn on for me and curiosity is the door to learning. My favorite curiosity quote comes from the amazing wit of Dorothy Parker: The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity!

WHO YA GONNA CALL? RUT BUSTERS!

Something New

WHO YA GONNA CALL? RUT BUSTERS!

 By Sandye Linnetz

My daughter brilliantly invented New Food Friday to get my grandson to try new foods. It’s a pretty simple concept… every Friday some formerly foreign food (I just love alliteration.) is introduced to his 4-year old diet. He tries it, evaluates it and determines if it’s something he’d like to have again. He loves the game and most of the new things he tries. Yes, it is a game of sight, smell, texture and taste, and it’s so much more!

In a bigger sense I call New Food Friday the RUT BUSTER! We’ve all felt like we were ‘stuck in a rut’ at some time, haven’t we? It’s an all too familiar situation; an idiom for being bogged down in life – maybe just one area of life; in a boring place that never changes (and seems like it never will). For my grandson it was a food rut. Boy cannot live by mac and cheese alone!

As I do my own personal rut quest (Go ahead, take notes and you can go on your own quest.), I notice that I have some pretty rigid routines. That’s not where I’m stuck, though. Routine is different from rut… unless that routine is boring, predictable, repetitive and a dead end. So where do I look to discover if and where I’m stuck? Hmmm. Well, where do I not have the results I want? (Good place to start looking.) Where am I feeling resigned – as in hopelessly accepting? In what situation do I hear myself say: “Oh well, it is what it is.”  What am I doing – or not doing – when that little voice in my head screams: “Again??!!! You’re in this ^%$# situation again”?

And, as I listen for ‘rut-speak’, the somewhat stoic, fatalistic I can’t really do anything about it anyway attitude that will surely follow a bout of resignation, I hear: “It’s okay like this.” “It’s not that bad.” And then, for you Suzie Cream Cheeses out there (it takes one to know one) – the most telling phrase of all: “I’m FINE.”  Fine is the ultimate F word!

Let your intuition be your guide. It will let you know when and where you need a change. It may even give you clues about what direction to take.

And, that’s when I notice, OUCH! in the area of romance… I need a NEW FOOD FRIDAY!

So, what do you think about NEW MAN MONDAY????

SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION: THE GAME THE WHOLE WORLD CAN PLAY

PEOPLE AND RELATIONSHIPS

SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION: THE GAME THE WHOLE WORLD CAN PLAY

 By Sandye Linnetz

Six degrees of separation is for real! It’s pretty astounding (and kind of overwhelming) to think about being just 6 connections (well, more like 6.6 connections) away from ANYONE and EVERYONE on the planet. Our social networks connect the whole world. Of course I’m including those on the internet like face book and linked in, but I couldn’t leave out clubs, teams, schools, religious organizations, book clubs, sewing circles…

I know you’re tempted to prove this for yourself and connect with the Pope or Lady Gaga right now, and based on the research, you probably can, but please wait three minutes and read on…

“…the oft-cited report that people are separated by “six degrees of separation” and (we) find that the average path length is 6.6.”                         http://research.microsoft.com/apps/pubs/default.aspx?id=70389

Our lives are filled with social networking opportunities, and the more you participate, the more you connect. There is an assumption here that, like me, connection is something that you value.

I did my ‘Google research’, and the results suggest that Facebook use (e.g. belonging to – and participating in groups like What Do I Say? What Do I Do?) actually provide us with the opportunity to develop and maintain real social connectedness and relationships. Even more important to me is that this connectedness has been associated with lower depression and anxiety, better general health and an overall greater satisfaction with one’s life.

That, by the way, is one of the main reasons that I started the What Do I Say? What Do I Do? group; it’s a forum for connecting and sharing. When you participate – and invite others to do so with you – you are growing your circle and theirs (and mine!). It’s both engaging and fun to post a question or situation that others may also be anxious to address.

I’m a mindset and accountability coach. It’s my passion. I’m all about engaging with you on any level. Whether you have a serious concern like “What do I do when my child is about to make an obviously bad decision?” or a seemingly frivolous one like “My friend has an annoying habit of belching in public”, you can bet your karma that you’re not alone in the inquiry! That’s why we post ‘out loud’ and request opinions – or coaching – from others.

Okay, I’m done for today… go connect with the Dalai Lama.

ACUTE HYGIENIC ARREST: ARE YOU A POTENTIAL VICTIM?

ACUTE HYGIENIC ARREST:  ARE YOU A POTENTIAL VICTIM?

By Sandye Linnetz

Okay, here’s a topic that really STINKS! Telling someone that they have nasty body odor – or bad breath – can be unbelievably uncomfortable, right? You want to tell them but, ooooh… how do you do that without being a real jerk? We know that WE would want to know (if it was us)… and yet, we’d be so embarrassed to hear it. So, What Do You Say? What Do You Do? when someone near you (and possibly dear to you) smells bad?

Go with the thought that you’d want to know about it, if it was you. I like to say that I’m that friend who will tell you if you have spinach on your teeth, and I cultivate friendships with like-minded folks. Close friend or not, being direct and honest works!  Now, when I say direct and honest, it doesn’t have to live and in-person. If you want an easy out, consider a bottle of mouthwash and a short “you need this” note left on the doorstep. But, in any case, don’t do the hint drop – it doesn’t work! Tell it like it is.

You can even tell the ‘offensive’ one that you’re concerned about a possible medical issue like a mouth infection or blocked sweat glands. I wouldn’t go with the Acute Hygienic Arrest… the humor might go unnoticed. And, remember it’s more about ‘how’ you say it that the exact words you choose. Be nice. Tell the BO Babe that because she’s always so neat and clean you know it’s not a hygiene issue and that’s why you’re so concerned. Mention to him that smelling good is a chick magnet and you’ve got his back. Soften the blow with a compliment.

But wait, there’s more… real life examples from Sandyeland:

Relative with bad breath: “Hey, I’m worried about you. Your mouth doesn’t smell ‘minty fresh’… could you have a gum disease or something’? That actually started a very honest conversation about offensive smells!

Close friend with an underarm issue: “Okay, who smells like dead rats? Is that me or you? (After sniffing at each other, she went to shower).

Employee with bad body odor (and everyone was complaining) – Knowing that others were complaining would have been waaay to embarrassing for her, so I called her into my office and said that I had a ‘tough one’ to discuss with her – tough for both of us! After assuring her that her job was not in jeopardy (and telling her two or three things she was doing really well), I simply said: “You’re undoubtedly not aware of it, but I’ve noticed an unpleasant odor when I get close to you. I brought in some stuff that I think might help.” In a brown bag I had soap, deodorant and cologne, which I explained would be kept in the bathroom at work… for anyone at anytime. I neither required nor expected her to respond other than with a quiet “thanks” – which she did.

And my favorite (for it’s straightforward – No holds barred honesty): “You want to get into my bed? Go wash your feet. They stink!”

You just say, (Deep breath for courage and jump right in.) “Look,” (if the person is a visual communicator*) or “Listen, (for the auditory*) I’m going to tell you something that I would want you to tell me. It might not be easy to hear and it’s certainly tough to say… Your {fill in the blank} doesn’t smell good. Maybe it has to do with a {insert possible medical condition here}. I’m no doctor (unless, of course, you actually are a doctor, in which case you shouldn’t say this), but you might want to check it out with yours.” Yes, they may be embarrassed, but not permanently. You’ll get through it and they’ll get over it.

Note: Real friends report bad breath, flies that are open, chin hairs, boogers, and anything else** that might be humiliating on a first date or when meeting the president for the first time!

*More on listening styles in another blog…

** if you’re over 50, add bra straps and slips showing