What Do I Say? What Do I Do?

YOU CAN’T WIN IF YOU DON’T PLAY!

Participation

YOU CAN’T WIN IF YOU DON’T PLAY!

By Sandye Linnetz

Participation is what gets you outta bed, into the shower and ready to face the day with enthusiasm. If life is a game, it’s a team sport and you, my friend, can participate as a player or a spectator – you choose!

Spectators can enjoy a good game. They can cheer and jeer, eat popcorn and drink a cold one. Some spectators are devoted fans that dress like their favorite players. Some even paint their faces in team colors. Fans have really cool tailgate parties and hats and posters and other valuable stuff. They joyfully bark their great advice to the players and hurl insults at the coaches. Spectators can even show up late and leave early. It’s cool to be a spectator, huh?

Players, on the other hand, get paid to do what they love, while fans just get to watch and pay them more.  Life is happening out on the field. Only players have power in the game. Why be in the stands watching to see how the game unfolds instead of being out on the field with the team planning and playing?

You can pat the winners on their backs or have your back patted… Face your fears and go for the glory or play it safe on the bleachers. There’s no right and no wrong here. What do you want? To imitate or be imitated? Safety or the opportunity to test your mettle? To play or to watch? To go for the gold or go for the hot dogs?

When it comes to on-line groups – like “What Do I Say? What Do I Do? – your participation truly matters – when you jump in and share your thoughts, opinions and questions or simply ‘like’ what someone else says or does, you’re on the team and the game keeps evolving. If you like the ‘game’, say so… that’s participation and it creates a domino effect that keeps the action going. If there are no players, there is no game.

You have a thought. You have an opinion. Miracles occur when you share them. You never know whom you will touch or the difference you can make in someone else’s life. And, in that same game, if they don’t let you know they ‘heard you’ – if they aren’t playing – you won’t ever know! How sad is that? No, no one wins if no one plays.

And now I shall quote the great poet, Eminem (Who’s close friends just call him ‘m’):

If you know the rules to play the game, play
Cause when we die we know we all goin’ the same way
Cause it’s cool to be player, but it sucks to be the fan

 Even I don’t have anything to say after THAT!

Parenting Your Adult Children – Oh Baby, You’re No Baby Anymore

adult children

OH BABY, YOU’RE NO BABY ANYMORE

By Sandye Linnetz

I have found that the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want, and advise them to do it.  ~Harry Truman

I’m a mom. I’ve been a mother for over 40 years now, and based on history (mine – as a child and as a parent) I have developed some rules that, although they may require some in depth conversation, all work for me… most of the time. So, until such time as they work only a little bit of the time, I’ll keep following them. It’s interesting to me that so many of the ‘rules’ on my list are the same rules I live by in other relationships.

For your consideration, here they are – my rules for dealing with my adult children (or at least the ones that I am currently using):

  • Keep your advice to yourself unless it’s requested.
  • When you do give an opinion, identify it as an opinion, not a fact.
  • Always let them know how much you love them.
  • Be very interested – be marginally involved. Whose life is it, anyway?
  • Remind them (frequently, almost to the point of nagging) that you’re available.
  • The child in each of us wants to be acknowledged… be their #1 cheerleader.
  • Show up.
  • Keep your word.
  • Be free with your use of the ‘attaboy’, ‘you go girl’ and ‘YAY you.
  • If they don’t call and you want to talk, you call… honoring their privacy if they request it.
  • Get over yourself and don’t take things personally – it’s their life.
  • Did I mention don’t take it personally?
  • When there’s an issue, discuss it ASAP… no festering.
  • Share everything except your .
  • Learn from your children – and thank them sharing.
  • You taught them how to use the toilet (and I’ll bet that’s come in handy a time or two) so be willing to ask them to teach you what you need.
  • Be clear and straight when talking and generous when listening.
  • Their adult life and decisions may feel like a reflection of you… they are not.
  • When you absolutely MUST share your brilliance, do it gently and without judgment.
  • Set clear boundaries and discuss them.
  • When you give money to your children it is never a loan.
  • Recognize that your children may not have turned out exactly as you imagined – and that’s okay.
  • You may not ‘like’ everything about your children – and that’s okay.
  • Your children may not ‘like’ everything about you – and that’s okay.
  • Emotional support goes both ways… give it and accept it.
  • Love your children AND yourself. You can’t be there for them if you don’t take care of YOU!

Okay, that’s a good start. I constantly remind myself that sometimes (not all the time) we humans learn more from our ‘mistakes’ than we do from our successes. We made ours. This is their time. Let them make their own. Just be there if they want to talk about it. And remember… it’s their time, their life and, hey think of a tree…

Maybe you planted a sapling and watered it and nurtured it – maybe pruned it and even cured its diseases. You probably had ‘professionals’ groom and trim it. You sat under it, picnicked near it, danced around it. Now it’s all grown. There’s not much more to do except love it.

NOTE: Yes, this blog is a happy, skippy blog (hey, I’m a happy, skippy kinda gal) and you may be going through something HEAVY. Let’s talk about it and see if any of these ‘rules’ can guide you.

ALZHEIMER’S PATIENCE

Patience

ALZHEIMER’S PATIENCE

By Sandye Linnetz

No, that’s not a misprint. I actually meant patience, because patience is probably the number one requirement when loving or living with someone who has even early signs of Alzheimer’s or other type of dementia. It may be an aging parent, a close relative or neighbor. It may be someone who’s related to someone else…  Regardless of who it is in relation to you, all the rules of communication and ‘plays well with others’ go right out the window.

So What Do You Say? and What Do You Do? when you want to exercise generous listening  and compassionate communication… and the person on the other end isn’t playing with a full deck, forgets A LOT, has difficulty expressing thoughts and seems to hear you but not understand?

Most of the rules we learned about communication don’t work: there is no reasoning, explaining doesn’t work, confronting can be terrifying and arguing is pointless. Although they may sometimes appear to be nutso, they aren’t. They simply have a disease. They are not testing your patience, trying to aggravate you or from another planet, sent here to destroy the nerves of the human race. They are suffering. They cannot remember… and often can’t remember that they can’t remember. Can you ‘of sound mind’ even imagine what that must be like?

So here’s what I learned today (care takers take note, please)… When elderly people ‘lose’ things it may just mean that they put them somewhere ‘safe’ so they wouldn’t get lost. Problem is, they then tend to forget where that safe place was – or that they ‘hid’ them to begin with… I found my mother’s missing hearing aids – in a baggie under a box under some clothes in a drawer. I found my phone charger in a baggie in her purse. Her ‘lost’ phone turned up in her closet in a shoe. Note to self: NEVER look for mom’s missing items where you think they should be – check the most well hidden places, first! Although patience is personal, the patients’ behavior should not be taken personally. Want more blogs on this topic? I’d be happy to share… comment below and let me know!

YAY YOU!!!

you are awesome

YAY YOU!!!

 By Sandye Linnetz

It’s funny how naturally, how often and how easily we acknowledge the children in our lives. Wouldn’t you love to have a dollar for every time you have given an ‘attaboy’ to child… every time you said ‘good job’ or ‘yay’ or clapped with delight at the antics of a child?

My grandson, Max, is 4 years old. Everyone who meets him calls him the “crowd pleaser” because he makes people smile wherever he goes. He’s such a remarkably funny, happy, smiley little guy – spreading good cheer like a warm knife spreads butter. We love that he does that and we want him to keep that outrageous sense of humor and cheery disposition. We also want him to keep trying new things to become more self-confident and independent. To help foster his high self-esteem and positive self-image, we give him lots of positive feedback… lots of clapping and “Yay, Max”! It’s easy to see that it works.

 In the Urban dictionary, “YAY” is defined as an exclamation of pleasure, approval, elation, or victory. It’s a fact, ‘yay’ is exactly what we want to say to a little fella who is doing something that we want him to do again.

It was Max’s uncle, my son, Mike, who suggested that a rousing “Yay” (complete with extended hand clap) might also be inspirational for the over 30 set! Hmmm… I have to admit that I hadn’t even thought of that before.

Shortly after this exchange I walked into a restaurant (a very upscale restaurant) on time (not a rarity – but not a habitual thing, either) and my son, “Yay, Sandye’d” me -to the delight of everyone within earshot. Yes, I was a little embarrassed, but, if truth be told, also quite delighted.

Two days later I taught a leadership seminar to top level executives and, as an experiment, instituted the “Yay, and *clap*” with them. By the end of the meeting EVERYONE was doing it! The general consensus was that, yes, it’s a little silly and embarrassing, but, down deep it just feels doggone GOOD!!

It’s instant gratification that takes us back to the happiest times of our childhood… those wonderful times when people liked what we did and let us know! Try it. Let the people around you know when they do something to be proud of… give ‘em a “Yay YOU”. It works!

BUSYNESS is a CHOICE – Part 2

Busy

BUSYNESS is a CHOICE – Part 2

By Sandye Linnetz

For people like me, being busy is a choice, not a condition. Yes, we all have the same amount of time each day and we choose how to use that time. I like to stay busy (BUSY, I hear, is the new “fine”). If we’re “crazy busy” our egos get to celebrate our supreme importance. And, come on, who doesn’t like to be supremely important? We probably won’t miss anything even if we’re not constantly checking email and social media, but… why take that chance, right? And, in case we don’t get something done (or done really well or completed on time), we do have a popularly accepted, credible excuse. And in case we don’t want to do something, we have a built in excuse for not doing that, too. We were busy. The question is: Busy doing what?

When busyness is courted as a virtue, we give it carte blanche to be used as a description of who we are and the REASON for what we do and don’t do. I call ‘bull-shit’! There’s no such thing as being too busy to do something you value. If it truly matters to you, you make the time for it. When we tell someone we’re “too busy”, it isn’t necessarily a reflection of our schedule – it’s more likely to be a reflection of where they (or what they need or want from us) are on our priority list. Ouch, that doesn’t feel very good…

Here’s a thought: What if we didn’t gauge the value of our days by how busy we were – or even how productive, but by how we (and those in our lives) feel at the end of a day? If you really WANT to be busy, be busy… I’m going to be busy taking a run this morning. After that I have decided to be busy taking a relaxing shower and maybe even a short nap before I do client calls and writing. I know I’ll be wildly productive because I’ll be busy being grateful, doing good and spreading joy, too! What will you be busy doing today?

P.S. I did it. I ran (though I was sorta busy listening to a book on tape at the same time) and I did have a long and lovely shower (yes, there’s a drought so I guess I won’t wash tomorrow). I skipped the nap but I did at least sit down and do NOTHING for 10 minutes straight (it seemed so much loooonger)! Here’s what I noticed: PEACE and CALM! I got everything done and felt terrific. The only thing I didn’t do was play computer games – no loss there. So, I got busy doing things that totally supported me and had extra energy for the work I FOCUSED on later in the day.

There’s NO BUSY-NESS like slow busyness.

How BUSY I am in None of Your Busy-ness! (Part One)

 Too Busy

How BUSY I am is None of Your BUSY-ness! (Part One)

By Sandye Linnetz

“Don’t bother her, she’s very busy.”

“He doesn’t have time for that, he’s a very busy man!”

“If you want something done ask a busy person to do it.”

“Better BUSY than BORED.”

Most of us grew up believing that busy people were (by definition) unavailable, important and valuable people. Being busy, more than a good thing to be, was a condition to cherish; synonymous with hard at work and proof of success. What if being busy just sucks?

I saw a quote (attributed to no one in particular) that referred to ‘busy’ as the new ‘fine’. In the ‘good old days’ when you asked someone, “How are you?” the default response was “I’m fine”. Today the most common answers are: “Busy”, “So busy” and “Crazy busy”! When did we adopt this aversion to free time, relaxation and idleness? We stay ‘crazy busy’ to avoid all of that. Admittedly, I am the poster child for busy-ness. I can’t sit still, I don’t nap or rest or assume the role of couch potato in front of the TV. My father always told me that ‘lazy people’ nap and sleep late – smart people were active and productive. Looks like I bought that…

My father taught me to judge my days based on my productivity. The more I accomplished the better I was! (Today, for example, I got up at 6:30am and by noon had done a work out, a load of laundry, made a fresh pot of coffee, emptied the dish washer, changed the bed sheets, flipped a mattress, watered and weeded the plants, ran three miles, showered, played candy crush and Sudoku, washed the kitchen floor, outlined a blog post, read some emails and the ‘news’ on facebook, had a coaching call with a client, did some internet searching, made breakfast (of course, cleaned it all up) and emptied out all the junk from my car. Whew! I am so proud of myself… and so totally exhausted! Busy is a drug that people like me are addicted to.

It would appear that most of my busyness was productive, right? Well, I neglected to say how MUCH Candy Crush and Sudoku I played… And, yes, I spend waaaay too much time on facebook and those games. Not all of my busyness is business! Often I find myself busy being busy. I start something, move to something else, do something for someone else, make a phone call, go back to thing one, take a phone call, leave it to start a new project… It’s hard to FOCUS when you’re busy! Being busy is doing stuff – not necessarily getting valuable stuff done.

People today wear their busyness like a medal of honor – like being busy means they’re important and worthwhile. To feel truly significant, it seems that we are somehow ‘required’ to be in action all the time – even when doing nothing might be a better way to go. Here’s a thought, maybe doing nothing and totally enjoying it is way more powerful than being ‘busy’ doing nothing. What if the ‘downtime’ actually allowed us to be more productive? In the blog next week I’ll experiment with ‘doing nothing’ (which, if you know me, is a BIG DEAL) and report back.

STRESS AIN’T ALL THAT BAD

STRESS AIN’T ALL THAT BAD

By Sandye Linnetz

Most discussions of STRESS generally focus on its negative side. Yes, ‘bad’ stress (aka distress) can be at the root, the cause, of so many problems, but there are other degrees and types of STRESS, too. The question is not “Do you have STRESS”, because the answer will always be “YES” if you are alive. It is, instead, “What kind of STRESS do you have”? (And in a future blog the question will be: How do I manage my stress?)

Physical Stress (head aches, adrenalin rush, indigestion, insomnia – lots of sick days, high energy, quick movement, sudden strength)

Social Stress (feels like all you do is work and sleep, excitement, find yourself withdrawing, the thrill of ‘wowing’ the crowd)

Cerebral Stress (feel brain dead, come to work and can’t even get started, unexplainable brilliance)

Emotional Stress (clinical depression, endorphin release, adrenalin rush, love, addictions – might be shopping or coffee, elation)

Spiritual Stress (joy, feeling of helplessness – want BIG changes, rapture)

So STRESS isn’t really a totally bad thing, then? No… not all stress…

Good stress (aka eustress) is manifest as drive, energy or excitement. It’s what makes you want to get up in the morning and get started on your day. Good stress is what you feel when you are standing at the top of the mountain ready to ski down, when you are about to make a presentation or when you are defending a co- worker. Good stress gave the firefighters at the World Trade Center the energy they needed to rescue people. Good stress gives us the adrenaline boost we need to jump out of the way of the car that ran a red light and is speeding toward us. Other examples of good stress might include physical exercise, mental challenges, emotional elation or spiritual fulfillment. Many or most of the activities that we enjoy, place us under pressure; so, we are technically under stress while performing them. The difference is that we are wholeheartedly – and consciously – choosing these pressures. There is no conflict within – we enjoy the experience of good stress.

We embrace these kinds of pressures and stimulation. Without good stress, we grow complacent, indifferent or simply bored, but with good stress we are constantly growing – we feel truly alive!

In order to know joy, we must feel stress. I experienced joyful stress when my daughter announced she was pregnant… and again when I saw my grandchild for the first time.  Think of the best times you’ve ever had; your heart beats wildly, your emotions surge (your adrenalin is definitely flowing) but because it’s a pleasant reaction, we don’t generally label it as a stress reaction. Yet it is. When you go to watch your favorite hockey team play, the adrenalin flows. And depending on which team scores, you experience joy or disappointment. Either way, your arousal rate is very high, your system is pumping out chemicals. You are being STIMULATED! Thank you, stress.

Good stress is the excitement you feel on Christmas morning, or when you see your child perform in a concert, or you get a call unexpectedly from a dear friend, or you smell cookies baking, or you win at bingo, or you hear a golden oldie on the radio that fills you with cherished memories. (Sometimes good stress is good sex, too!) These are all positive healing stresses.

At work you experience positive stress when you are about to deliver a presentation, find out you are getting a raise or promotion with new responsibility, solve a problem, move to a new office, get a new assignment, meet a new co-worker, receive praise, know you did a good job and as you wait for acknowledgement.

We all need a degree of stress to get up in the morning; it is critical to feeling motivated and interested in getting on with your life. And beyond that, and the real reason that we’d never want to be ‘un-stressed’, is that stress has us jump out of the way when we are about to collide with a car or falling object; when we are in danger and that fight or flight thing kicks in. Don’t poo poo it, celebrate it! Stress can do a body good!

Ride The Horse In The Direction It’s Going

RIDE THE HORSE IN THE DIRECTION IT’S GOING

By Sandye Linnetz

In life, we have ‘beliefs’…  lots of beliefs. It’s all that stuff we absolutely ‘know’ is true – about life, love, business, spirituality, exercise, learning and even oatmeal!

“Making money is good” “the toilet paper should come OVER the roll” “nice guys finish last” “money doesn’t grow on trees” “Hard work pays off” “It’s better to be busy than bored”  “the road to success is filled with potholes” “OATMEAL MUST BE HOT” “If it feels like work you’re in the wrong business” “I am boring” “Those people are boring” “WORK ISN’T FUN”  “THIS IS GOING TO TAKE A LONG TIME” “there aren’t enough hours in the day” “some things just can’t be done” “I’m not smart enough” “Money is the Possibility of Freedom” “Time is the most valuable commodity I have” “I’ll never be able to do that” “I can do anything I put my mind to” (You have millions of your own, don’t you?)

What do you BELIEVE about life – and yours in particular?  Pretend that you have to give a speech to 12th graders about what it’s like to be in you. What would you tell them? This is a great way to get clear about where you are and what you believe about what you do. How do your “beliefs” match your current reality?

Think about this: The way it is now is the lowest common denominator between what you want and what you are willing to accept.  Okay, reread that line until you really ‘get’ it. (And ask yourself, “What am I ‘putting up with’ that isn’t really what I want?”)

Perhaps it’s time for you to raise the bar. When I do this little personal inventory I start by taking a look at the way it IS; no judgments, no interpretations – just an honest look at my life. How often am I joyful? Stressed? Anxious? Fearful? Calm? Frenetic?  Do I have enough money to feel comfortable? To share? What people are around me? Are they raising me up? Bringing me down? How much sleep am I getting? Are my teeth white? How’s my weight? Is my office clean and organized? I resist nothing, I just notice.

Now, I get to design a new outcome. What do I actually want my reality to look like? What’s the dream; the perfect world scenario? When I’m not really sure, I make it up… Time for me to make a new plan to step into that future. This is when I take a good look at what it would take for me to do that. I go to bed an hour earlier. I enroll one more client. I call that friend I haven’t seen in a while – the one who makes me laugh. What I do is TAKE ACTION. I MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Are you ready for YOUR new reality? What would you have to do and who would you have to be in order for that reality to be yours? Step into it… take the steps (baby steps at first, maybe) to have it… and own it.

What will it take to get to the next step toward your measure of success?  Be creative in your thinking.  Brainstorm with people who are already there – or have been there. Drop the “what ifs” and step up to the ‘HOW’ plate. Take a swing at “how to get to where you want to be”.  (According to the California Lottery, “You can’t win if you don’t play”!)

The truth (or, ‘a’ truth): What you resist will persist. When you allow things to ‘be’ just the way they are, you can create miracles for yourself.  Ride the horse in the direction it’s going and you’ll end up in the control of the reins. (And enjoy the ride)!

Ah – the Power of Gratitude

Gratitude: Just Say Thanks!

By Sandye Linnetz

Can you see the holiness in those things you take for granted – a paved road or a washing machine? If you concentrate on finding what is “good” in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.

~RABBI HAROLD KUSHNER

It felt like I had nothing to be grateful for… At the age of 58 I was ready to retire and be a tennis playing, volunteering, lunch-with-the-ladies, stay-at-home wife. Then, within the course of only 18 months, I left the business I had loved, my husband of almost 20 years decided he wanted “out”, my dear father died, I had surgery on my knee, a 28 lb. box of books dropped on my face and a car accident that sent me into 8 months of rehab.

Then I read some books on gratitude. You can imagine how well that went over with me. It’s one thing to say “thank-you” for the good stuff in life – how was I going to be grateful for my current situation? I didn’t feel grateful for any of it! I didn’t deserve to have my wonderful life turned completely upside-down. None of it was fair!

The instructions were simple. Find a quiet place to sit. Close your eyes. Think of 10 things to be grateful for that would not have been possible without the circumstances that you have defined as “bad”.

It was after 10pm… dark, but a magnificent star-filled summer night, so I decided to do this exercise on the patio. I sat there for what felt like hours and came up with nothing. Really, what good has come out of any of this? Then #1 hit me… like a ton of bricks; if I hadn’t sold my company and my husband had not left, I would not have been able to spend all that wonderful, quality time with my father before he died. Didn’t go over there much with my husband. Went there a lot on my own. I got to be complete with my dad.

And, if I hadn’t had the knee surgery there’d be no possibility of ever playing tennis again. I love tennis. This was getting easier. I wouldn’t have been surrounded with so much love from my girlfriends (and I never really liked that whole scene before). I got my relationship back with my kid brother (who was persona non gratis with my ex). There was plenty of time for me to be with my mom and support her through her loss. I wouldn’t have been able to have grilled onions in my food (He hated onions). I wouldn’t have joined the botanical gardens or realized how happy I felt walking through them…

By the time I got to #45 I was laughing through my tears. What a shift! The more I found to be grateful for… the more I found to be grateful for!

Some people grumble because roses have thorns; I am thankful that

the thorns have roses.

~Alphonse Karr

Gratitude is infinitely more dependent on your attitude than on your circumstances. What occurs is insignificant compared to how you hold the occurrence – what you make it mean and how you judge it.

Be willing to let go of your judgments and experiment with shifting your point of view. There is always another way to look at any given situation. You are responsible for the way it is – not guilty for whatever happened – and you (your words and your actions) are actually at the source of your life. That’s powerful stuff. Exercise the “muscle” that has you look for the blessing within the crisis. Don’t stop looking – there is something to be grateful for in any situation. That’s the way it is. .

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle… except we can’t look at the picture on the box

to see that it will all fit together.

~Sandye Linnetz

Just How Awful Is Your Life?

By Sandye Linnetz

What do you say to someone who constantly moans and groans and is all about everything that’s missing and crappy in his/her life? Sure, if it’s an ‘acquaintance’ you can probably tune it out and ignore it, but what if it’s a family member or an old friend who you are unwilling to simply ‘disappear’ from your life? Annoying, isn’t it? It’s easy to simply cut the negative people out of your life – and that may be the best choice, but I’m a sucker for the opportunity to empower people to turn it around! So, when you want to empower someone to see life from another perspective, What do you say? What do you do?

I, personally, love to start with sarcasm (it’s my ‘go to’ attitude with family and close friends)… Sarcasm, which, I admit, can be undeniably offensive, pretty much forces someone into ‘defend’ mode and that’s right where I want them. (Remember, we’re talking about habitual complainers not someone with a serious and immediate issue!)

I say, make those glass half empty, doomsday spouting, pessimists defend the junk that they’re putting out. Never mind that they usually can’t defend their position without sounding so nutso that even they finally see it; throwing their stuff right back at them literally puts their nose into their own shit! At some point all of their whiney rants and moans sound ridiculous even to them! Yes, I do START with sarcasm, but I almost immediately follow up with a possibility and an alternative way to look at things:

Me: “Are you looking for more evidence to prove that you’re right about how shitty your life is? No problem. Based on all that stuff, your life really stinks. I am happy to help you assemble the boatloads of evidence – it’s everywhere! Let’s look really hard and find more! It’s so obvious that your life absolutely sucks! You’re a giant sucky magnet. If it’s true that you get more of what you focus on, WOW are you focused on sittin’ right in the middle of a dung heap! The view is hellish from down there, huh?”

AND THEN THE RE-FRAME – POSSIBILTY!

“Personally, my life doesn’t always fit my pictures of what I ‘expected’, either, so I know how you feel. The stuff life can throw at me, the curve balls, sometimes rock me to my shoes… if I let it. What works for me is that I choose JOY and focus on that instead of the circumstances! I’d rather dwell on all that I HAVE and be wildly grateful, instead of dwelling on what’s missing from my life and making it even worse. And, it’s funny how the what’s missing part disappears in the abundance.”

Yes, I am a full cup gal. It works…