Blog

YES, I AM UPSET… AND I’M ALMOST OVER IT

Being upset upsets me. I like being happy – who doesn’t? And yet, I know that upsets are normal and common occurrences for all of us. Even we otherwise healthy humans get blind-sided by the circumstances of life. It happened just this morning. I had an early a.m. coaching call and the client was a no show. I waited on the line for 10 minutes – after sending a text and a message – and finally hung up.

For most of my early coaching career, that no-show would have dumped me into a state of serious upset. How dare he waste my time? I got up early just to accommodate his schedule and he doesn’t even have the courtesy to be on the call? Not showing up without canceling in advance is rude and disrespectful! Where was his commitment to me (and to his goals)? I just lost 10 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back. Then, the next 20 minutes of his half hour would have been spent with me stewing and blaming him for my misery. That was ‘then’.

Now I handle things like this a little differently. I’ve created a system for handling those times when the unexpected happens and catches me off guard; when someone doesn’t do what they said they would do, when circumstances get in the way of my plans and when something that needs to be said doesn’t get said. It’s my EASE THE UPSET SYSTEM… and it works 100% of the time (when I follow it).

STEP 1: Acknowledge the upset. Sometimes I even say it outloud. “I’m upset. It doesn’t work for me when people don’t show up for calls.” Being upset is not stupid or petty; it is a natural human emotion that we all experience. You have the right to get upset, and every time you do, it’s an opportunity to learn what triggers your upsets… your emotional reactions. Give yourself permission to be upset about whatever is causing you frustration.

STEP 2: Take a deep breath (or two or three if needed) and count to ten. By taking a break to count to ten, you’re giving yourself time to move from being in a state of upset to seeing the situation from a different perspective. Focus on the numbers and intend to create a calm space.

STEP 3: Reframe the situation Turn your negative thoughts – “That was so disrespectful” into positive thoughts – “Sometimes the unexpected comes up. It doesn’t have anything to do with me.”

STEP 4: Google your Brain Ask yourself: How else could I interpret what happened? What is the value here? (and there’s always some value…)

STEP 5: Take Action Your action may be a smile. It may be communicating (to the right person) what your boundaries are. It may be what I did in this case…

Instead of having a tizzy fit, I took a deep breath and reframed the situation from: “That jerk didn’t show up”. to “I have 20 minutes to type up some valuable coaching notes for him”. I saw that HE was the one who lost out by missing our call, not me. I would still be paid for my time. And then I typed up some notes – including a bit of coaching about ‘keeping commitments’ and the power it gives you. I included the date and time of our next scheduled call and reminded him of my policy that “coaching calls must be rescheduled or canceled 48 hours in advance to avoid payment”.

I do get upset. It’s just that I get over it so quickly that most people never even see it happen!

‘NO’ IS NOT A FOUR-LETTER WORD.

Contrary to popular belief, NO is not an insult, a rude response, or a rejection causing four-letter word. It’s just a word. Yes, it is a negative response, but not every negative thing is bad, is it? How about testing negative for aids? How about having a negative balance on your credit card? Finding the negatives to those beloved old family photos or working with negative numbers isn’t bad, either.

NO is just one of the many possible answers we can give when we’re asked a question, asked for a favor or a request is made of us. Although I’m a pretty consistent people pleasin’ yes sayer, there are plenty of times that I utter the noble NO.

I thoughtfully review all requests for my precious time, attention, hard-earned money or creative skills. I’m slightly less likely to expend a lot of energy contemplating a request for an old family recipe or the contact information for my mani-pedi guy. I’m a coach, so people frequently ask me for advice. Sometimes it’s a recommendation or testimonial that’s requested. All of those situations – along with social invitations and babysitting require different kinds of “no” – assuming that NO is the answer.

So much of how you respond depends on how you feel about the request and the requester. Do you want to say YES? NO? Are you comfortable saying NO? What’s the situation? Who’s making the request? Can you fulfill the request without ordering Valium, changing your entire life around or losing yourself in the shuffle? And, do you even have the ability, skills and/or resources to grant the request? So much to consider…This is why declining a request can often get a little sticky and little tricky.

I’ve never really been comfortable saying NO (the thought of hurting someone’s feelings or disappointing them is so unpleasant to me). Besides, I love to be the good guy! Learning the NO wasn’t an easy lesson for me, but I would have been out of business without having done so.

I used to run a party and event planning business. Not a week went by without a request from one charity or another (sometimes it was daily) for something I had that they wanted… donated! It took me a while, but I did learn that if I said yes to everyone who asked, I wouldn’t be in business any more – and then, I’d be unable to help anyone! That’s when I developed my now famous, NO with a counter offer approach to requests.

While I seldom gave any group everything they asked for as a donation, I always gave every charity that made a request something ‘on the house’. No one was turned away. And my response to all of them was basically the same. “Oh, how I would LOVE to do all of that for you, but if I did, this store wouldn’t be here the next time you or someone else needed me. Can’t do all of that, but here’s what I can do…” And then I would make a counter-offer they couldn’t refuse. Got to love a WIN-WIN situation. Did any of us walk away feeling hurt or disappointed? NO, of course, not.

MONEY LOVES YOU AND IT’S ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU

There’s plenty of money around and I’m glad, ‘cuz everyone loves money! At least that’s MY story – and I’m sticking to it. I also believe that money is very important and having it is the possibility of freedom for all of us.

Money has more ‘followers’ and ‘likes’ than anyone on Facebook. And isn’t it interesting that one’s background, IQ, social status and education are all totally irrelevant when it comes to how much we each get to have?

We all know people who just ‘got lucky’ in the money realm. Some of the richest people on the planet didn’t go to college and came from the ‘other side of the tracks’. Doesn’t matter what you history is… you can still have lots of money no matter where you were born – or to whom. I know people who work 24/7 and lose money 24/7. So, clearly, it’s not how hard or long you work, either. And, sadly, we all know a few truly brilliant individuals who can barely seem to scrape together enough money to get by. So it’s not how smart you are that determines how much money you have. What’s the deal? If it’s not an off the charts IQ, rich parents or hard work that makes you rich, what is it?

Besides knowing money basics (understanding the numbers, banking, the market, credit, compounding interest and the like), it seems that most researchers agree that it’s not ‘what you know’, it’s what you BELIEVE (even unconsciously) about money, that either paralyzes you or frees you up to have lots and enjoy it.

Our Money Beliefs = The Way We Talk About Money = Our Feelings and Emotions About Money= Our Actions Around Money = Our Reality

The simplest way to shut down your fiduciary pity party is through GRATITUDE. When you focus on what you HAVE instead of what you’re missing; when you recognize and appreciate all the blessings in your life – and concentrate on them, you get MORE! It sounds so simple… and it is! What you put your intention and attention on money, it shows up. Well, if you expect it, it will.

Here’s how it works: You have beliefs about money and those beliefs color the way you speak about money. When you are grounded in abundance you talk about money as being plentiful, available and attainable. That makes you feel good and positive about having enough – or more than enough – money in your life. When you feel good about money and know that it’s abundant, those good feelings move you to take actions that will keep it in your life. And, BAM! Abundance is your reality. See, I told you it was simple.

If you want to try something more concrete, try this: Write down a list of your negative money beliefs. Three to five of your biggies is fine.

I don’t make enough money.
I’ll never have enough money.

Now restate them as feelings.

I don’t feel like I make enough money.
I feel like I’ll never have enough money.

Now reframe them positively.

I always make enough money for all my wants and needs.
I’ll always have enough money for myself and for sharing, too.

Too much of a leap? Okay what would you be open to or willing to have? State them that way for now.

I’m open to making enough money to cover all my wants and needs.
I’m willing to make enough money to cover all my wants and needs
I’m open to having enough money for myself and for sharing.
I’m willing to have enough money for myself and for sharing.

Finally, choose some awesome new concrete beliefs to adopt (There’s plenty of money for everyone! I love money and it’s attracted to me.) and begin to transform your fiduciary forecast. And remember: Mantras and affirmations – phrases of intention – are just telling the truth in advance – so long as you’re also being responsible and taking solid action steps to implement those new beliefs, you are on the way to abundance.

$UBCON$CIOUS $ELF-$ABOTAGE – Money!

Unlock your money magnet!

When I was a teenager, living in an upper middle community, I looked around and (mostly unconsciously) judged the people around me who had lots of money. There were lots of ‘them’ to observe and, after deciding that my family was on the poor side, I made a slew of decisions about rich people. It wasn’t conscious, but it was pretty ugly and the rich folks didn’t fare well with me at all.

People – well, kids, with lots of money, I decided, were catty, popular and phony. As a group they were self-centered and self-important, unbalanced, unspiritual (but went to church to be social), wasteful, never satisfied, stuck-up, good looking (with great taste in clothes) and lucky… very, very lucky. I saw their parents – when I bothered to even give them a thought, as absent, cold, busy, powerful, snobby, and cruel to those who weren’t rich. And that was just the start of what I determined! I also ‘learned’ that men controlled the money, women overspent the money and that there was a finite amount of money – and these people were hogging it! That was my story and for me it was real.

As I moved out of the early chapters of my life, making the next level of my decisions – far more ‘adult’ decisions about people who had lots of money – I decided that people who did things with the intent to make a lot of money:

Didn’t do things that ‘made a difference on the planet’ (Which was fine with me because ‘everyone knows’ that teaching will never make you rich and ‘doing good’ wasn’t lucrative.)
Were never satisfied with what they did make. (Enter the workaholics.)
Were always afraid of losing what they had.
Were afraid of failing.

So I didn’t set out to make LOTS of money, I simply followed my passions and had FUN. It was working. At one point, years ago when the dollar was worth a lot more, I earned $500 every 15 minutes!

That was then… Years later, my ‘abundance’ began to disappear. What??? I decided that I needed a minimum of $2M (in savings and assets) to support my ‘golden years’. Desperation set in (dangerous stuff). Why wasn’t the money coming in? This wasn’t fun anymore.

And, that’s when I started to became CONSCIOUS about my relationship with money. It was going to take lots of money to get everything I wanted and needed. How was I going to make that happen? And, what was blocking me now? It was so easy in the past.

The BIG AHA MOMENT: My life was no longer about the passion and FUN; it was all about making lots of money. I was so attached to that end result that my happiness and self-worth had become dependent on it. My inner peace and balance were attached to having something ‘happen’ instead of being present and enjoying the NOW. The first step to creating change is awareness, right? Questions followed…

Who would I have to BE to have it all? Why would my unconscious mind – there to protect me – let me become one of ‘those’ people? Simple answer, it wouldn’t! My subconscious mind stealthily reminded me that I didn’t actually like rich people; that I said I didn’t want to be like them. I said I want to have $2M and a comfortable monthly income that allows me to live and give in abundance. Rich people have that – and more. But, at some level, I didn’t want to be a rich person! My subconscious mind was sabotaging my moneymaking efforts based on how negatively I’d judged high earners. My silly subconscious was actually protecting me… from me!

My beliefs weren’t necessarily bad or wrong, they were just… mine; appropriate and realistic at the time I formed them. They were partially true, but incomplete and simplified.

Now that I have brought my old beliefs about money up to the conscious level, I can move out of my old pattern of unconsciously following them—even (and especially) when they’re not working—and create a whole new, healthier, passionate and FUN relationship with money. Old $ubcon$ciou$ belief$… you’re not welcome in my new world!

Use Clarity to Get What You Want – When They’re Not Getting It. What Do I Say, What Do I Do?

The value of clarity in communication

It’s possible that, all by itself, the title of this blog could eliminate the need for the entire blog. Read it again. The title actually spells out two of the most powerful and effective tools for getting THEM to get YOU: Communication (clarity) and Action!

That was NOT a spoiler alert. I simply told you what I was going to tell you ‘cuz that’s good communication. When I truly care about having someone accurately and fully receive my communication which, I must admit, is most of the time, I tell them what I’m going to tell them. Then I tell ‘em. And finally I tell them what I told them.

Okay, it’s possible that, by following this formula, you could over-talk a topic to its early demise, I’ll give you that… but when I want to get a point across or it’s important for me to have someone do something by a certain time or in a particular way, this works. Whether I’m coaching, teaching, training – or making an important request – I do all this PLUS I add another vital step. I have the listener repeat back what they heard.

I didn’t always follow this formula… and I didn’t always get the results I wanted, either. When I had my event and party business it was not unusual for me to say, “Somebody grab some tools, please (politeness was one of my boss-virtues)”. And then, when a fully stocked toolbox didn’t show up on the job and I didn’t have my desperately needed scissors, wrench or clips, guess who was stressed and furious… but where could I point that fury? Who was supposed to grab the toolbox? Right, I had assigned the job to “Somebody”. Where the heck was “Somebody” and why didn’t she do what I asked her to do?

Doesn’t the problem, my mega-mistake, seem so obvious to you? You can clearly see that assigning the task to a specific person, not making a general, non-specific public request/announcement, would have made a huge difference to my end result, can’t you? Because it was me and my screw up – and you’re listening to this story in retrospect, it’s easy to identify the error of my ways. Much easier than it might have been to actually get it right in the first place. At this moment, it’s easy to see that I didn’t actually assign the task to anyone – though I didn’t realize that at the time. And, yet, I was surprised when what I wanted and needed didn’t get done and upset when there was no one to hold accountable… except me!

Now, don’t be feeling all superior and stuff. I’m not the only one here who’s ever been vague, unspecific or incomplete with my requests, directions or instructions, am I? Come on, I know there have been times when the recipe didn’t come out quite right because you forgot to tell them about that one important ingredient or you didn’t show up for something because you misheard the time.

Life is a game of telephone. It’s only by being clear and specific and repeating back what we heard that we can even begin to expect the results we’re after. So often we give only partial instruction or explanation and expect people to get the whole story by mind reading… Newsflash: THEY WON’T because they CAN’T!

And then there’s ACTION! That’s the follow through; the accountability. Where you are ultimately responsible for the outcome it’s to your advantage to make sure that you do everything possible to make sure that the outcome is favorable. My taking action started by writing out a check list and assigning one person to see that we never left on a job without having everything we needed. (And there was always a compliment for a job well done!)

When you use full and complete communication to ask for what you want and then actively follow it up with some checks and balances, you do get what you want and need. Communication and Action… two tools that belong in every personal toolbox!

Finding JOY in My Demons

I’m on a Journey to Joy (depression begone!), and I had an ‘aha’ today. It’s time for me to make friends with my demons. Not like jump ship on my joyful self, rather to include all of me in ME. I like being the happy, skippy, jumpy Sandye; the one who always finds the pony in the poop. I’ve been ‘Susie Sunshine’ for so long that it’s become my identity… but, based on the way I’ve been feeling, there’s more to me than that. I see now that as I scoop the poop, looking for the pony, I’ve been inadvertently burying my demons.

I always say that step one is awareness. Well, I’m there. I admit it, I have a dark side and I can no longer pretend it’s not part of me. Sometimes I’m not nice – or thoughtful or even loving. Sometimes I’m scared (and scared of being scared). In the past I treated insecurity, fear – and even anger – as an unwelcome invasion from an outside source. Now I get it. It’s part of me. And then the big question pops up: What if it’s a necessary part of me? Isn’t ignoring it being inauthentic (something I don’t want to be)?

Burying my demons (aka my fears, insecurities and dark side) only puts them out of sight, it doesn’t eliminate them. Eventually they always seem to dig their way out to terrorize me again. So I had this thought… What if I got to know them? What if I invited them out into the open? Would I find them less ‘fearsome”? Time to ‘google’ my mind and ask myself some positive, open-ended questions. What is possible if I actually embrace all of me? How can I use my demons to be the best me possible? How can I use my demons to increase my joy? Where do I start…?

As expected, reaching out for universal answers is literally deluging me with amazing (and somewhat unexpected) results! And, it’s happening at such a rapid rate that I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now!

Sharing my Journey to Joy with you is a powerful step in accepting who I am… in finally owning my humanity – the good, the bad, the ugly and the magnificent. If it’s true that ‘fear of falling’ has us fall (and I do believe that it does), then it follows that knowing that I could fall, but not fearing it – just being prepared for it if it does happen – is likely to keep me upright. And, if I do fall, it’s just a fall. It doesn’t have to ‘mean’ anything about me. Hmmm, that’s comforting.

So I have this dark side. I don’t have to live there (or live in fear of living there), I don’t even have to go there (except maybe to check-in occasionally and water the plants), and if I do, I can always leave when I want to…

And, besides, I have a VERY bright ‘lite side’… I think I’ll hang out there!

I LOST MY JOY AND I WANT IT BACK!

With thanks to Lucinda Williams for giving me the words to describe how I’ve been feeling lately… I’m not actually depressed. I’m not suffering from anxiety. I’m just not very happy. I’m not actually enjoying my amazing life (which so deserves to be fully celebrated!). Something’s ‘off’, life doesn’t feel ‘right’ and whatever that something is, it’s taking a nasty toll on me. I miss my JOY and I want it back!

My work is getting done, but instead of it being a huge turn-on and bringing me it’s usual gallons of enormous joy, it feels routine, just what I do – along with cooking and cleaning and driving and making beds and watering plants. Now, don’t misunderstand, I love what I do – it’s my passion! I can’t imagine doing anything more fulfilling. But it used to be fun, too. And, right now, it’s not fun. It just is.

Not surprisingly, my work turned ordinary about the time I got to feeling ‘meh’. It’s as if I’m living in a construction zone – can’t turn the way I want to turn, traffic is backed up, someone keeps stopping me when I want to go… get the picture? I’m living in a temporarily NO FUN zone!

To the average observer, I am still Susie Sunshine, bubbling with energy. Outwardly I look happy. I smile. I’m nice. I have occasional bouts of ‘that’s nice’, but inside me I feel ‘off’. Not just as in ‘off my game’, but like someone actually flipped a switch and turned me OFF! I Laughing, being silly, giggling as I uncover the hidden humor in life – that’s what’s missing. I haven’t awakened with a smile in what seems like an eternity. Food is kinda tasteless. Life feels bland, too.

I know what’s wrong. I lost my joy! I forgot the steps to my happy dance! This is so not okay with me! I lost my JOY and I want it back!

My Grandma Ida (the one with the plentiful, encompassing hugs whose dimples were so big that her face caved in when she smiled) used to have two simple methods for finding anything that was lost. Step one was to turn over a glass. That was it; just turn over a glass on the counter. Step two wasn’t much more complicated. Lift up the toilet seat and, after a non-dizzying 360 turn, spit into the toilet two times. Her system never failed me. I am a terrific finder!

As I type this out, a light is coming on inside my head (I was planning on that when I sat down to write). I think I might know where I lost my joy. I think it’s with the sleep I haven’t been getting, the water I haven’t been drinking and the healthy food I haven’t been eating! I saw a glimpse of it when I put down the car windows and turned up the volume on my 60’s music. Had a sighting when I snuggled with my grandson. Spotted it when I shared my current state of joylessness with my Mastermind Group and they suggested that I get my butt into action!

Okay, I know what to do. First I’ll turn over a glass. I’m getting my joy back!

IS YOUR GLASS ½ EMPTY OR ½ FULL? DOES IT MATTER?

FULL of Possibility

I’m clearly a ½ full kinda gal – ask anyone. In fact, if truth be told (and I want nothing less) I tend to see the glass as overflowing most of the time. I am a master at spinning straw into gold. Yes, I do believe that I was born with that proclivity, but there are days when I actually have to work at seeing life through those rosy glasses of mine. I see positivity as a muscle – work it and it grows!

Okay, “So what?” you ask. Well, I’ll tell ya… Scientists have proven that a positive outlook actually makes a difference in life; health, wealth and emotional well-being. Expecting good things to happen naturally leads you to taking actions that produce more positive results. Expecting bad stuff to come your way can actually keep you from doing the very things that might have minimized or avoided just that!

But the value of a positive ‘see the glass as ½ full attitude’ about life is not the whole idea behind my blog today. The real question I pose is this: You may think you have a positive outlook, but are you REALLY a ½ full person? Most of us claim to be, but that positive outlook shows up in our speaking as well as in our thoughts! What are you saying and what are you thinking? What do you notice first about the people and the world around you?

Do you start with the premise that there’s good news everywhere? Do you notice what’s present… or what’s missing? Do you wake up in the morning and celebrate another day of life or bemoan the fact that you have to wake up and get to work? When you look in the mirror do you smile and see a living, breathing person with body parts that work and the ability to see and touch and taste and feel and love? Or do you look in the mirror and notice that your youthful skin is becoming wrinkled, the thick, shiny hair is disappearing, and your high school physic is gone? Do you notice the impending rain clouds or that sliver of glorious sunshine? When you meet someone new, do you first notice what you see that attracts you or are you looking for flaws? Are you even aware of what you see and think? As usual, becoming aware is always step one…

And, when it comes to your life, are you more inclined to first notice what’s ‘missing’ (like money, love, joy, health) or do you celebrate what you have (like money, love, joy and health)? Are you on a mission to fill the holes, or are the holes just something you notice in passing and use as a guide…

Case in point: I have a client who considers himself to be a positive ½ full guy… he told me so. Then, two minutes later he flat out said that he doesn’t consider himself successful because he “can’t even afford to buy a house”. Whaaat? (NOTE: His attention was clearly on what’s missing; not what he has.) After a few minutes of coaching and conversation he recognized the ½ emptiness of his speaking and realized that, of course he could buy a house – just not his dream house…YET! I asked him what he could afford and he began again – a roof over his head with running water and indoor toilets and an office and a little yard (he went on and on) and finally saw that what he could have right now was pretty terrific AND a step toward that dream house.

So, notice… if you claim to be a ½ full person, do you first notice what you have (i.e., count your blessings) or take stock of what’s missing in your life?

My glass is ½ full (with clean fresh water) – the other ½ is filled with possibility!

So You’re Ready to Cull the Herd… Now What?

cull the herd – NO toxic people!

Culling is very important in any herding operation because it’s how you get rid of those with inferior genetic qualities, those that are no longer productive, and those that have no value being in the herd any more. Each ‘wrangler’ has a unique set of culling standards; some more stringent than others. But in the end, all wranglers have the same ultimate objective when it comes to culling: The herd is to consist of ONLY healthy, productive, value adders . ~Sandye Linnetz, Herd Wrangler

Why don’t we cull the herd as soon as we have the thought, “Something’s not right here – this is not working for me.”? Sure, risking the unknown can be uncomfortable – even scary, but still what keeps us stuck when deep down we know they should go? What has us hold on when it makes us unhappy and maybe even miserable? Why do we allow people to stay in our herd when they not only don’t add value, they actually take it away? Methinks that knowing the answer (which is likely to be different in each situation) will actually spur us on to action and get us to cull the herd.

Here, then, is a list of possible reasons that we stay stuck in relationships that don’t seem serve us. There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned rationalization, so get ready, for ‘excuses R us’.

First the ‘out loud’ excuses that we might share with someone who asks us the big WHY?

The timing is off. I can’t do it right now; but I will do it some day.
I’m too stressed. I have to take care of me- then I’ll handle that.
It might be me. Maybe I’m making too much out of this.
I don’t want to hurt her.
But he needs me.

And now the silent reasons:

But I can’t dump that client, I need the money.

She’s horrible and mean but she reminds me of my mother and that’s oddly comforting.

If I dump her I won’t get to _________________________ (fill in the blank with something like “use her pool” or “hang out with her friends”).

So, my friends, what do you want????

REASONS or RESULTS!

Spring Cleaning Your Relationships: Part 3 – Cull the Herd!

Bad relationship? Cull the Herd!

cull the herd

Literally, to separate or remove (and usually kill) inferior animals out of a herd so as to reduce numbers or remove undesirable traits from the group as a whole.
By extension, to separate or remove people from a larger group.

The usual blog about letting go of relationships, i.e., Culling the Herd, tells the world to dump the toxic and move on… I’m not there. There is value in every relationship – even if it’s just to learn a lesson about what we DON’T want in our lives. I’m not a hoarder, but I am a saver when it comes to friends and family. I believe in giving ‘another chance’… even if it turns out to be another chance to hurt me, ‘cuz more often than not, if I’m speaking from my heart and willing to hear what is being said to me, relationships that once had value for me… can have value again. Case in point:

I turned a guy down and, hurt and angry, he disappeared from my life for almost 40 years. He was a really close friend when we were kids and I absolutely loved him (but not ‘that’ way). Yes, we did have a long ‘break’, but when I extended the friendship flag he jumped to play! And now he’s back in my life and a really special friend again; with lots of great history.

Then there’s this woman (another friend from childhood) who, while not exactly toxic, was certainly annoying, depressive and negative. I take a break from her every few years, but the shared history and the surety that she’d totally be there for me if I needed her, keep bringing me back. And I’m not sorry.

Yes, there are the toxic relationships, too. I’ve had my share. Still, I don’t cut the cord until I’ve given it everything I’ve got. I cherish the people in my life and I’m slow to release.

Consider what your possibly cull-able friend brings to your life. You didn’t start the relationship to be hurt, angry, disappointed or miserable. What did you see that hooked you? For me, a true friend laughs with me and cries with me. We each value the happiness of the other. We respect each other’s principles, and encourage each other to be the very best possible version of ourselves.

If you each do all that (and possibly more) for each other – regardless of what issues you are facing in your relationship now, your friendship is probably worth fixing. On the other hand, if you feel happier, more content and more relaxed without this friend in your life; if it’s been quite a while since the friendship has had value for you and lifted you ‘up’, you have a pretty clear sign that you should go your separate ways – at least for now.

Admittedly, there are some situations where a friendship may be beyond repair and even a ‘vacation’ won’t work for you. If your friend has done something that you view as unforgivable, a deal breaker, it’s unlikely that your friendship is fixable. We all have different boundaries, limits and deal-breakers; oftentimes unspoken. And that, my friends, is the BIG PROBLEM! Know your boundaries and speak them – it will save you a lot of clean up time later! Don’t wait until they have pushed them too far.

Oh, and if perhaps you are the one who has failed to behave as a good friend should and you have tried to make amends and your ex-friend has made it clear that he or she is just not interested in working things out, you need to respect their wishes and move on. Well, at least until you think it’s safe to try for a do-over!