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MY TRUTH ABOUT LYING

I’m a LIAR. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth, and I don’t want to lessen the value of this blog by lying about my lying. I, Sandye Linnetz, have in the past and will in the future, tell lies.

Sometimes I plan out my lies like the writing of the great American novel; full of passion and purpose. There was that time when I was almost 16 and this guy – who was 20!!!!- wanted me to go out with him. Yes! He was so cool and he asked ME and I really wanted to go. My parents’ response: “Absolutely not, he’s much too old for you.” They were being so ridiculous and controlling.

As luck would have it, there was this ‘youth group’ party and I arranged to ‘go to that’ and have the erstwhile boyfriend pick me up there. He’d get me back to the party before my ride left and no one would ever know. Well, no one except my little brother, who I swore to secrecy. As the afternoon passed and daylight waned, so did my nerve. I think I was equally afraid of getting caught and worried about doing the wrong thing. My parents went out for the evening and my ride honked… PARTY time!

By the time I walked into the party I knew I couldn’t lie to my parents (for a million different teen reasons). So, I maneuvered my way to the nearest princess phone (no, there were no mobile phones back then); called the guy and cancelled the sneaky date. And by the way, the party was great fun.

Now why did I tell you this story? Well, because there’s more. Unbeknownst to me, my little bro told my parents about my sneaky date plan. When I got home my parents were waiting; red-faced and ‘loaded for bear’. I was grounded for one week for disobeying and another week for lying. “No”, I bemoaned, “I didn’t lie and I didn’t disobey. I didn’t go out with him. I did go to the party”. Didn’t matter. The punishment stood. I got punished for “THINKING ABOUT LYING”!

Now, I’ll be honest (cuz that’s what we’re doing here, right?) it wasn’t the last time I plotted out a BIG lie, but that experience certainly influenced the frequency and severity of my lying – post sneaky party date. Prevarication is always a choice… and I’ve learned to choose carefully.

There are times when it feels like I am not choosing to lie. I lie without thinking about it at all – on autopilot – not premeditated, more like a knee jerk reaction. Words spew forth and I can’t grab ‘em to shove ‘em back in… so the lie, MY lie, is out there in the world. But, come on, we’re telling the truth here, right? There is always that instant – that mega second before the lie comes gushing out – when choice is present.

When the dinner party hostess asked if her overdone, poorly seasoned meat was ‘simply fabulous’… I said, “Yes, best ever!” If I’m late (which doesn’t happen often) I’ve been known to blame it on traffic instead of myself. Sometimes it’s about hiding the truth, other times about avoiding trouble. Now and again lies make us bigger and better. And sometimes it’s about sparing feelings… or is it? Maybe I just wanted that rotten cook to invite me back. She gives great parties – NO LIE!

I don’t Multi-task…I JUGGLE!

I used to describe myself as a self-starter and brilliant multi-tasker. When someone needed to get six things done at once, I was the gal to call! You know the old saying, “When you want something done, ask a busy person!” Well, that was me. Always busy… and always willing to make time to take on one more task. I prided myself on getting it all done and doing it all at once.

After reading a few articles on the dangers of multi-tasking, however, I realized that when I’m being most productive I am not multi-tasking, I’m juggling! Think about it. Juggling is about breaking down complex patterns and maneuvers into simple tasks to keep a number of rapidly shifting balls in the air. It’s a process. And having worked for many years with Beth Schneider at Process Prodigy (as her lead ‘Systems Goddess’), I learned to recognize, appreciate and love a good process!

Look, I’m still a fan of any product that ‘cleans my toilet bowl while I work’ or makes me beautiful while I sleep. Anytime I can accomplish two things at once, I’m in! I love that I can set the cook time on my oven and write a blog while the casserole is cooking. And though we might call that multi-tasking, it isn’t really, is it? Two things are happening concurrently, but I’m only actively doing one at a time. And, to carry this even further; if I’ve also loaded and started the dishwasher, dropped off my car at the dealership (where they wash it after fixing it) and asked my neighbor to pick up a few things for me when she goes to the market… I’m mega juggling!!!

The following is an excerpt from Fast Company, Juggling by Anna Muoio: As you read it, think of juggling TASKS instead of balls, fire sticks or knives. It makes so much sense!

“We all have to juggle different types of things… If I throw you three different objects all at once, you have a limited time to gauge the weight, texture, and size of what’s about to fall into your hand. So you have to develop different ways of grasping the objects. If you try to grasp one as you would another, you’re going to miss— you may even get hurt. Try to understand the characteristics of the objects coming at you. Worse than dropping objects is letting them collide in the air and fall in random patterns. To prevent this, you need to create a separate flight path for each object.”

If you look at things in only one way, you’ll be greatly restricted in how many objects (or tasks) you can juggle. Yet, you can be a very successful juggler if you’re willing and able to look at your objects or to-do list of tasks, in a number of different ways – to get a clear perception and unscramble the patterns; see them all at once, and create a plan that addresses all of them and creates balance.

Balance is an essential skill in juggling— as essential as it is in life. But the balance I’m referring to is not perfect equilibrium and stillness. It’s the ability to make quick and exquisitely refined responses to any unexpected change. In other words, expect the best and plan for the worst!

Just like a good juggler, I’m constantly figuring out how to best keep ‘all my balls in the air’. I know I can never have absolute control over any situation, so I stay alert, flexible and open to change. Juggling – including task-juggling – builds your focus muscles. It’s about being flexible in dealing with the unexpected and adjusting as necessary, keeping all your balls in the air and staying FOCUSED on one thing at a time! It’s good to be a juggler!

BUSYNESS IS NO BADGE OF HONOR

Did You Get the Memo? The Gig Is Up And The Word Is Out: BUSYNESS, which has long masqueraded as the ultimate identifying trait of significance and productivity is finally being recognized and widely regarded as what’s it’s always been: an unsustainable, seldom productive, stress producing, potentially life-threatening condition. SO GIVE IT UP! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! Busyness is no badge of honor… it’s just plain CRAZY!

Your life is not a dance card that someone else is filling in for you. No one appropriated your precious Google calendar and triple booked your life. It was not a stranger who signed you up to bake two-dozen homemade cookies for the luncheon or forced you to edit your neighbor’s son’s resume. Your friends did not twist your arm or threaten you with certain death if you did not invite them over for a dinner party next weekend, and no one is making you go to that play that you don’t even want to see.

When the phone rings you don’t actually have to answer it – some people believe in the magic of voicemail. Facebook, Candy Crush, Instagram, You Tube, Words With Friends and your email all have off buttons. The only person making you so overwhelmingly, crazy busy, is you. Isn’t it time you were a little nicer to the person who feeds you and chooses your underwear?

Busyness, especially in the extreme, is a choice, not a condition. I like to stay busy; it makes me happy. Or at least that’s what I’ve always declared – and what I’ve always done. Being referred to as the prototype for the Energizer Bunny has always filled me with pride. When I’m “crazy busy” I get so much done. I feel so accomplished and valuable. Productivity is a party for my ego and I love a good party… BUT (There’s always a ‘but’, isn’t there?) maybe I have my priorities messed up.

What if busyness is a detriment to productivity (scientific fact: IT IS!) and multi-tasking is it’s creepy, sneaky partner (another scientific fact: IT IS!)? What if never napping or sleeping in ISN’T proof of greatness, as my father always told me?

Okay, time for me to take a look at whom I’ve been “BEING” in the area of busyness.

Could it be that I’ve been using my busyness as a safety net – a way to avoid the things that might enhance my life… but, then again, might not? When there was a task that I didn’t get done (or done really well or completed on time), did I use busyness as my popularly accepted, credible excuse? “Oh, I was soooo busy.” And when I was asked to do something that either scared me or that I simply didn’t want to do, did my almost manic busyness become my unrecognized, built in excuse – politely declining because I was, well, “so crazy busy”?

I get it. My busyness is not really serving me. It needs a serious overhaul. My beingness needs a workout plan. When I have my plan worked out, I’ll share it with you… If I’m not too BUSY!

SMILE – MAGIC MADE SIMPLE

“When you meet someone who has no smile… give ‘em one of yours.”
~Sandye Linnetz and countless others

There’s a very cool piece of art hanging on the wall just outside my bedroom. I see it as I fall asleep and when I first wake up. It says: ”Your Day Will Go The Way The Corners of Your Mouth Turn”. And it makes me smile.

I come from a long line of smilers and I have that happy gene. My grandma, Ida (or “Idie Pidie” as I called her), was blessed with dimples so big that when she smiled it looked like her face was caving in! Seriously the most joyous and contagious smile I’ve ever seen.

I have dimples, too (thank you, Grandma), and although I don’t have the face-caving-in variety, they do show even when I’m not really smiling. For years I was surprised when total strangers spoke to me and confused by how often they smiled, nodded or waved at me. Then one day, as I glanced at the mirror, I noticed this happy face smiling at me and realized that although I wasn’t actually smiling, I had a smile on my face! That made me smile… and think.

This is so easy! I don’t have to do anything; except be awake – and be around people – to involuntarily spread joy. And the crazy thing I’ve noticed is that when people think I’m smiling at them (even when I’m not), they smile at me. And then, BAM!!! I smile back. I can’t help it. It’s automatic.

Sharing a smile is right up there with a Rube Goldberg machine. It’s ingeniously cool and performs a simple task. Each smile you give begets another smile and another and another… And those smiles are ever so likely to translate into kind words, good deeds, love, friendliness and a myriad of other happy stuff. That easy, unassuming, uncomplicated smile; the one you gave (or got) made the sun shine and life good for everyone in its reach. There’s magic in sharing a smile.

And then there’s the ‘pay it forward’ element. A smile has the capacity to instantly produce happiness and joy in the person who gives it, the one who gets it and then, as a byproduct, to pretty much everyone else who comes in contact with either of them! It’s the happiest virus in town.

RESISTING RESISTANCE – PART 2

When I recently declared that I was on a journey to ‘understand and conquer’ my resistance in life, I had no idea that I’d be ‘traveling’ with such a huge tribe! It turns out that resistance is a big deal – especially in the world of psychology – and no one among us is untouched by it. Who knew?

Now, half dozen books and 20 or 30 articles later, I realize that resistance is not only normal; it’s a basic survival defense mechanism. I don’t do what I don’t do because somewhere deep inside me (i.e., subconsciously) I’m afraid that if I did do whatever it is, it would actually hurt me. So I protect me. Thank you, Me.

We resist in order to protect ourselves… from DANGER, PAIN, DISAPPOINTMENT, DISILLUSIONMENT and hundreds of other equally awful things. Here’s the rub: that place ‘deep inside’ – the place where fear is hangin’ out – may not have our current best interests at heart! What we feared in the past may not be an issue anymore. Personally, I’m over that whole ‘thing’ I had in 6^th grade about girls who had waists smaller than their hips and thighs that didn’t rub together being ho- bags! I’m pretty sure that I could lose weight, look phenomenal and still be a ‘nice girl’. Adult me has moved on…

I’m ready to ‘join the resistance’ against resistance! Who’s in? Great! But I do want to issue a few warnings… This is an inner game. It’s a mind game and the battlefield of Resistance vs. Action is almost entirely within us. Unfortunately, because often we’re not very good at recognizing resistance for what it is… and not too hot at combating it, we have a tendency to resort to stepping up our external game to win the war. Instead of using our inner strengths; motivation, our ability to think and reason, gratitude and appreciation, we work on our external tools (As if that would make any difference.)

Silly us, we think we can beat resistance by organizing our desk, writing down our tasks, designing new and better systems (tweaking them until they’re nearly perfect), buying a better elliptical machine and so on. So we have a better mousetrap and we still can’t catch a mouse! It’s not that those things don’t matter, it’s that they don’t matter in the ‘war against resistance’.

Admittedly my battle plan is still a work in progress, but so far I’m seeing some very positive results. I can’t be ‘ambushed’ because I am now aware (step one) that I’m being attacked on at least three ‘fronts’: the gym, online dating and self-promotion. Those are my big three and I now recognize resistance when it shows up.

I’m standing up to the fears I can now identify and I’m not backing down! I structure my day to include confronting and coming to terms with my fears. I’m shifting from victim to hero in my very own story!

“On the field of the Self stand a knowing and a dragon. You are the knight. Resistance is the dragon.”
— Steven Pressfield

I DON’T WANNA… RESISTING RESISTANCE

Sometimes I just don’t ‘wanna’. There are days when I don’t want to work – though I have plenty of work to do. I want to share my coaching with the world, but I don’t do much to let the world know that I have things they may want to hear. I joined a gym over a year ago and I still haven’t gone for a class or a workout. I don’t want to go to the gym – though I do want to lose those 5 ‘extra’ pounds and my running and daily push-ups aren’t getting the job done. I don’t want to ‘look’ for new clients – even though I love coaching and my bank account would be happy. And I can’t seem to get it together in the ‘find a man’ department, either. I say that I really, really want to, but when it comes to joining on-line dating sites or local clubs or groups… nada! I have made absolutely no move – no effort – to meet a man, even though I know that it would be fun. I just don’t feel like it. It’s too much effort. So, I don’t wanna.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I do want all of those things to happen. I want to speak before a crowd of 1000’s, lose those 5 pounds and fall in love. I just don’t want to do them. I want them to all just occur. I want Prince Charming to ride up on his white horse with fifty new clients and a pill that will give me the perfect body overnight. I want someone to ‘discover’ me and make it their life’s work to put me on stage. Is that too much to ask? Ya think?

So I have the goals and I have the desire… What I don’t have is a plan because my resistance is waaay stonger than I seem to be. Truth is, as I write this I’m not even sure what I’m resisting. And that, my friends, is the reason I chose this topic for the week. My guess is, if I have issues (aka blocks) keeping me from having what I say I want… so do many you!

The journey, then, is to discover what is keeping me from going all Nike on it and “JUST Doing IT”! It’s clearly not a motivation thing. And I’m definitely not lazy. It’s a resistance; some subconscious or unconscious fear that has me absolutely paralyzed. It’s a under the radar thing that is keeping me from being in action and doing what I do so effortlessly in so many other areas of my life… take charge and make it happen!

I now open up the inquiry. Time to ‘google my brain’ and, with the right questions, I may have some amazing answers by my Thursday night MOTIVATE and ACTIVATE call. I can’t wait to share… I WANNA!

YES, I AM UPSET… AND I’M ALMOST OVER IT

Being upset upsets me. I like being happy – who doesn’t? And yet, I know that upsets are normal and common occurrences for all of us. Even we otherwise healthy humans get blind-sided by the circumstances of life. It happened just this morning. I had an early a.m. coaching call and the client was a no show. I waited on the line for 10 minutes – after sending a text and a message – and finally hung up.

For most of my early coaching career, that no-show would have dumped me into a state of serious upset. How dare he waste my time? I got up early just to accommodate his schedule and he doesn’t even have the courtesy to be on the call? Not showing up without canceling in advance is rude and disrespectful! Where was his commitment to me (and to his goals)? I just lost 10 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back. Then, the next 20 minutes of his half hour would have been spent with me stewing and blaming him for my misery. That was ‘then’.

Now I handle things like this a little differently. I’ve created a system for handling those times when the unexpected happens and catches me off guard; when someone doesn’t do what they said they would do, when circumstances get in the way of my plans and when something that needs to be said doesn’t get said. It’s my EASE THE UPSET SYSTEM… and it works 100% of the time (when I follow it).

STEP 1: Acknowledge the upset. Sometimes I even say it outloud. “I’m upset. It doesn’t work for me when people don’t show up for calls.” Being upset is not stupid or petty; it is a natural human emotion that we all experience. You have the right to get upset, and every time you do, it’s an opportunity to learn what triggers your upsets… your emotional reactions. Give yourself permission to be upset about whatever is causing you frustration.

STEP 2: Take a deep breath (or two or three if needed) and count to ten. By taking a break to count to ten, you’re giving yourself time to move from being in a state of upset to seeing the situation from a different perspective. Focus on the numbers and intend to create a calm space.

STEP 3: Reframe the situation Turn your negative thoughts – “That was so disrespectful” into positive thoughts – “Sometimes the unexpected comes up. It doesn’t have anything to do with me.”

STEP 4: Google your Brain Ask yourself: How else could I interpret what happened? What is the value here? (and there’s always some value…)

STEP 5: Take Action Your action may be a smile. It may be communicating (to the right person) what your boundaries are. It may be what I did in this case…

Instead of having a tizzy fit, I took a deep breath and reframed the situation from: “That jerk didn’t show up”. to “I have 20 minutes to type up some valuable coaching notes for him”. I saw that HE was the one who lost out by missing our call, not me. I would still be paid for my time. And then I typed up some notes – including a bit of coaching about ‘keeping commitments’ and the power it gives you. I included the date and time of our next scheduled call and reminded him of my policy that “coaching calls must be rescheduled or canceled 48 hours in advance to avoid payment”.

I do get upset. It’s just that I get over it so quickly that most people never even see it happen!

‘NO’ IS NOT A FOUR-LETTER WORD.

Contrary to popular belief, NO is not an insult, a rude response, or a rejection causing four-letter word. It’s just a word. Yes, it is a negative response, but not every negative thing is bad, is it? How about testing negative for aids? How about having a negative balance on your credit card? Finding the negatives to those beloved old family photos or working with negative numbers isn’t bad, either.

NO is just one of the many possible answers we can give when we’re asked a question, asked for a favor or a request is made of us. Although I’m a pretty consistent people pleasin’ yes sayer, there are plenty of times that I utter the noble NO.

I thoughtfully review all requests for my precious time, attention, hard-earned money or creative skills. I’m slightly less likely to expend a lot of energy contemplating a request for an old family recipe or the contact information for my mani-pedi guy. I’m a coach, so people frequently ask me for advice. Sometimes it’s a recommendation or testimonial that’s requested. All of those situations – along with social invitations and babysitting require different kinds of “no” – assuming that NO is the answer.

So much of how you respond depends on how you feel about the request and the requester. Do you want to say YES? NO? Are you comfortable saying NO? What’s the situation? Who’s making the request? Can you fulfill the request without ordering Valium, changing your entire life around or losing yourself in the shuffle? And, do you even have the ability, skills and/or resources to grant the request? So much to consider…This is why declining a request can often get a little sticky and little tricky.

I’ve never really been comfortable saying NO (the thought of hurting someone’s feelings or disappointing them is so unpleasant to me). Besides, I love to be the good guy! Learning the NO wasn’t an easy lesson for me, but I would have been out of business without having done so.

I used to run a party and event planning business. Not a week went by without a request from one charity or another (sometimes it was daily) for something I had that they wanted… donated! It took me a while, but I did learn that if I said yes to everyone who asked, I wouldn’t be in business any more – and then, I’d be unable to help anyone! That’s when I developed my now famous, NO with a counter offer approach to requests.

While I seldom gave any group everything they asked for as a donation, I always gave every charity that made a request something ‘on the house’. No one was turned away. And my response to all of them was basically the same. “Oh, how I would LOVE to do all of that for you, but if I did, this store wouldn’t be here the next time you or someone else needed me. Can’t do all of that, but here’s what I can do…” And then I would make a counter-offer they couldn’t refuse. Got to love a WIN-WIN situation. Did any of us walk away feeling hurt or disappointed? NO, of course, not.

MONEY LOVES YOU AND IT’S ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU

There’s plenty of money around and I’m glad, ‘cuz everyone loves money! At least that’s MY story – and I’m sticking to it. I also believe that money is very important and having it is the possibility of freedom for all of us.

Money has more ‘followers’ and ‘likes’ than anyone on Facebook. And isn’t it interesting that one’s background, IQ, social status and education are all totally irrelevant when it comes to how much we each get to have?

We all know people who just ‘got lucky’ in the money realm. Some of the richest people on the planet didn’t go to college and came from the ‘other side of the tracks’. Doesn’t matter what you history is… you can still have lots of money no matter where you were born – or to whom. I know people who work 24/7 and lose money 24/7. So, clearly, it’s not how hard or long you work, either. And, sadly, we all know a few truly brilliant individuals who can barely seem to scrape together enough money to get by. So it’s not how smart you are that determines how much money you have. What’s the deal? If it’s not an off the charts IQ, rich parents or hard work that makes you rich, what is it?

Besides knowing money basics (understanding the numbers, banking, the market, credit, compounding interest and the like), it seems that most researchers agree that it’s not ‘what you know’, it’s what you BELIEVE (even unconsciously) about money, that either paralyzes you or frees you up to have lots and enjoy it.

Our Money Beliefs = The Way We Talk About Money = Our Feelings and Emotions About Money= Our Actions Around Money = Our Reality

The simplest way to shut down your fiduciary pity party is through GRATITUDE. When you focus on what you HAVE instead of what you’re missing; when you recognize and appreciate all the blessings in your life – and concentrate on them, you get MORE! It sounds so simple… and it is! What you put your intention and attention on money, it shows up. Well, if you expect it, it will.

Here’s how it works: You have beliefs about money and those beliefs color the way you speak about money. When you are grounded in abundance you talk about money as being plentiful, available and attainable. That makes you feel good and positive about having enough – or more than enough – money in your life. When you feel good about money and know that it’s abundant, those good feelings move you to take actions that will keep it in your life. And, BAM! Abundance is your reality. See, I told you it was simple.

If you want to try something more concrete, try this: Write down a list of your negative money beliefs. Three to five of your biggies is fine.

I don’t make enough money.
I’ll never have enough money.

Now restate them as feelings.

I don’t feel like I make enough money.
I feel like I’ll never have enough money.

Now reframe them positively.

I always make enough money for all my wants and needs.
I’ll always have enough money for myself and for sharing, too.

Too much of a leap? Okay what would you be open to or willing to have? State them that way for now.

I’m open to making enough money to cover all my wants and needs.
I’m willing to make enough money to cover all my wants and needs
I’m open to having enough money for myself and for sharing.
I’m willing to have enough money for myself and for sharing.

Finally, choose some awesome new concrete beliefs to adopt (There’s plenty of money for everyone! I love money and it’s attracted to me.) and begin to transform your fiduciary forecast. And remember: Mantras and affirmations – phrases of intention – are just telling the truth in advance – so long as you’re also being responsible and taking solid action steps to implement those new beliefs, you are on the way to abundance.

NO! ENOUGH is NOT ENOUGH FOR ME!

People often ask how I maintain my ‘cup is always full’, positive, Susie Sunshine attitude about life… how I seem to bounce back so quickly from even the most upsetting hurdles and setbacks. Sit back and relax (Really, I mean it, relax!) I’m about to share some positivity tools with you!

I have an abundance mindset. I believe that there is ‘more than enough’ of everything to go around. There’s always more ‘where that came from’ – whether you’re talkin’ about love, money, opportunity or sunshine! Your success takes nothing from me. Winning today does not mean that I can’t win again tomorrow (In fact, it’s more likely that I will!). Perhaps this explains why I find the concept of ‘enough’ so annoying. It’s playing so small!

My mindset has a lot to do with the language I use and the words I choose. Enough, as a word or a concept, is just too blah for me. It’s over-used and not definitive at all (In fact, it can mean so many different things, I find it down right confusing!)*. I think of enough as a sister word to ‘good’ and ‘fine’ – two words that, while they may seem to be positive, have sinister undertones of negativity, insufficiency and scarcity. I hear those words and the little hairs on the back of my neck jump to attention and send a chill down my spine. I immediately assume that the person speaking has an unspeakable hidden agenda designed to distort or hide the truth.

When people ask how I maintain my positive, Susie Sunshine attitude about life (and they do), what they really want to know is how I seem to bounce back so quickly from even the most upsetting hurdles and setbacks. Well, my friends, it’s all about the mindset. I come from a place of ABUNDANCE (it’s my source – the well I drink from), and to maintain it, I have a system…

I have an ACTIVE attitude of GRATITUDE for life and what shows up

I openly APPRECIATE the people, things and circumstances that surround me

I share, donate and receive GENEROUSLY

I take FULL responsibility for ME and maintain clearly defined boundaries

I am organized and conscious of the abundance around me

I always have a plan

And, probably most important of all…

I ‘GOOGLE MY BRAIN’ AND ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS!

“How else could I interpret this?”

“What can I do right now to turn this around?”

“What is there for me to learn here?”

“Can I control this?”

“What’s the ‘win’ here?”

And, yes, it also has a lot to do with the language I use and the words I choose. So, I choose carefully. I don’t want to have just ‘enough’. It’s not ‘enough’! I want abundance; plenty for me and plenty to share.

*ENOUGH:

As much as required: “That’s just enough money to buy some French fries.”

Too much: “I’ve had enough of those fries… I’m about to puke!”

Don’t do that: “Enough already! Don’t put another one of those greasy fries on my plate!”

Stop talking: “Enough said, I got it!”