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SPRING CLEANING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS: Part 2 When cleanup just ain’t enuf!

Doing a thorough spring-cleaning on a relationship that might need a little dusting off is a lovely thing to do. Both of you – or all of you if you have a tribe that needs attention, get to feel appreciated; happy and valuable. In fact, the sprucing up an otherwise ‘good’ (or ‘not so bad’) relationship is a lot like getting a manicure before you break a nail and really need one. I’m not saying it’s not important or productive to clean it up. It is! No one should be taken for granted. We all deserve to be valued. Personally, I feel great when my nails are freshly done. And I get a little giddy when I actually get a manicure before I desperately need it. Still, it’s not like fixing a broken leg, is it?

It’s those damaged and broken relationships that concern me the most. It’s not just the ones that need a little attention, but the ones that may not even BE repairable! I’m guessing you have one or two in your life right now (I know I do!). We all have a relationship or two that went bad. Might have been a misunderstanding. Could have been a major screw-up. Might even have been precipitated by a divorce or even death. In any case, you know the kind of relationship I’m talking about. Once it was… now it isn’t… and maybe one or both of you aren’t happy about that.

A friendship and, well, any relationship, takes time and effort to develop. So it stands to reason that if seriously damaged, it will also take time and effort to repair. Rebuilding trust is no easy task. And, maybe it’s not supposed to be. If it’s difficult will we appreciate it more? Could be. Some relationships are worth it.

Attempting to repair a damaged or broken relationship by doing some simple dusting and light cleanup just won’t cut it. I learned that years ago when I attempted to do a superficial clean up on one. I ended up getting slapped in the face – almost literally! A one-time best friend and I dissolved our business partnership over a disagreement about integrity. I didn’t think she had any!

After almost a year of angry silence she called and asked me to do her a favor. I was surprised and pleased. I thought that this meant we could friends again. (I didn’t really trust her, but she was really fun to hang out with…) We didn’t talk about the past. We didn’t do any repair work. I drove for almost an hour to meet her and do this big ‘friendship-fixing’ favor. That was my contribution to the repair of our very broken relationship. I actually-and smugly- thought I was doing a lot. She nodded when she saw me, but neither smiled nor spoke. Guess that should have been a clue. With a smile, I handed her the papers she’d asked me to write and extended my hand in friendship. She took the papers and spat on my outstretched hand, turned and walked away.

In that moment my mind was flooded with questions… What was I thinking? Did I really believe that my gesture would work as even a band-aid on our badly broken relationship? Was it even possible to restore our friendship? Did I even want to be friends with someone who would spit on me? Yuck! Was it worth the time and energy or was this a relationship that just needed to be over? And, if it could be patched up, how could that be done?

There are so many things to consider when a relationship goes wrong. What is my responsibility in the matter? Is it repairable? Do I want to keep this person in my life (physically, spiritually OR emotionally)? Am I willing to do whatever it takes to ‘fix’ this? What will it take to fix this?

Relationships are like shoes…

They last longer if we take good care of them.

It works well to polish and clean them regularly.

Some are so special to us that we repair them if they break.

Some we throw away.

SPRING CLEANING Your Relationships

theI determine that Spring Cleaning

It’s that ‘not quite’ time of year… winter is pretty much over but it’s ‘not quite summer’ yet. Here in the desert we’re blooming and the temperatures are pretty consistently in the high 70’s – low 90’s. That’s the good news. The bad news is all about the pollen and the wind – both are at their springtime peak. I’m sure you can guess what that means… nasty allergy attacks and sand everywhere! I really think it was the sandstorms alone that instigated the notion of SPRING CLEANING – and I’m all for it!

This morning, I finally took the time to assess the status of my home – inner and outer, I couldn’t help but notice that it’s time to do some spring cleaning here. There are some things, like the patio furniture and kitchen dish mats, that have served their purpose for me. Those I will donate or discard. Other things, like the automatic trashcan and the washerless garden hose, are still usable but need a little repair work – or maybe just fresh batteries. The windows need washing (okay serious scrubbing) and the deck needs refinishing.

I have some things that are beyond damaged. If I determine that they are downright broken (like my grandson’s blue chair and the door on the garage storage closet), then I will decide to either toss them or keep them. And, if I determine that something is a keeper, I have to figure out if it is fixable… and how to fix it!

Okay, analogy over. Well, almost over… Just like your home, it’s time for your annual relationships assessment. Put on the white gloves and do a walk-through in your contact list. No doubt you’ll be needing to do some spring-cleaning in that domain!

If you’re like most of us, there are some relationships that you probably know that you want to trash (others that you probably should). Like my ‘washerless garden hose’, some are well worth keeping and just need a simple repair. And then there are those we tend to take for granted because, well, they’re always there and, we assume (possibly foolishly), always will be. Those are the relationships that require our most diligent cleanup of all. Take the time to spruced up and spit polish them. Make it obvious to them, us and anyone else who happens to be around, that this relationship is cherished. Do some deep cleaning. Vacuum up the dust balls and polish ‘til shiny; (you might even have to don the long plastic gloves and scrub the toilets – so to speak).

As with most tasks, getting started is the often the hardest part. Enjoy the process of cleaning up ‘your act’ and your relationships. Cherish the time you use for spring-cleaning, it will change your life. And be nice to yourself, too. Take it one relationship at a time and bathe in the glow of your like-new, cleaner, shiny relationships.

SELF-SABOTAGE: THE GAME FOR ALL AGES

Sometimes a topic is just too dang big to cover in one phone conversation… Self-sabotage turned out to be one of those topics – who knew! I thought an hour would be plenty of time. I mean, really, it’s not exactly ‘alert the media’ material; it’s not particularly sexy and it’s neither life- threatening nor shocking.

What it IS, however, is omnipresent, ubiquitous, all pervasive and deeply entrenched in the way we are as humanoids (I don’t even know if ‘humanoids’ is a real word, but I love it!). Self-sabotage a big issue because it’s EVERYWHERE we are! We all do it; most of us know we do it and want to STOP doing it. The problem is there seems to be this unspoken consensus that it just “is what it is” and there is little or nothing we can do about it. So we do it (again and again) and ignore that we are doing it. Seriously, why would WE do something so nasty to someone we ‘love’ so much??? Besides, we don’t do it ALL the time…

In the face of that, it becomes the elephant in the room… we don’t talk about it and seldom acknowledge it, so, ‘what we don’t know can’t hurt us’, right? WRONG!!! Self-sabotage is a complex, tragic process that pits us against our own thoughts and impulses. Yes, we all make occasional bad choices, mistakes and errors in judgment, but a true self-saboteur – one who really knows how to play with herself (if you’ll excuse the reference)… continually tries to fix those mistakes by top-loading them with more screw-ups and increasingly bad decisions. So the self-sabotage games ends – and you ‘win’ – when you completely lose!

Our self-sabotage may be conscious or unconscious, but really, what difference does it make? The end results are the same; we’re blowing it – for ourselves and by ourselves! How often do you (or I) stay awake when we’re exhausted, worry over things that shouldn’t matter, exaggerate other people’s achievements as we diminish our own, take unfair criticism to heart, speak negatively to and about ourselves… holy horse-feathers, this sucks!

Grabbing a doughnut once or twice a year won’t kill you (it’s comfort food), but every time you feel super stressed????? That could be 12 times a week (or 12 times a DAY), and your clothes are gonna get tight and your face is gonna break out and your sugar levels are gonna rise and what you did to feel better is going to end up causing you incredible levels of grief! The child in you will celebrate the sweet treat… the adult, not so much.

We all have an inner child – not just some random child, this kid sees life through YOUR history – your memories, fears, worries, decisions, and stories. Often the demands of that little munchkin (who is only trying to practice ‘self-defense’ and protect you) are out of sync with what the ‘adult you’ wants or needs. So what happens when our adult-me wants something and our inner child doesn’t want it… when, in fact, inner child wants the exact opposite?

BAM! Welcome to Self-Sabotage (carried out in the name of self-preservation and self-defense, of course).

And this, my friends is what we’ll be discussing this week in Motivate and Activate… taming the inner child, honing your self-parenting skills and my personal game plan for winning without ‘losing’! See you on the call!

IF YOU’RE GONNA PLAY WITH YOURSELF… MAKE IT A GOOD GAME!

I seldom procrastinate. I’m not a druggie or a drinker, don’t self medicate and I quit smoking. Lord knows I’m not overly modest. Self-injury and cutting don’t appeal to me nor do shopping sprees. So, I’m fine, right? I don’t play the self-sabotage game, do I? I mean, seriously, I did a lot of research on self-sabotage and those things seem to be the most common ways that we shoot ourselves in the foot (so to speak). And, yet, somehow, deep down inside, I have this crazy feeling that, even though I don’t see it, maybe… just maybe… I may be getting in my own way and sabotaging my greatness. I like to play Sudoku, candy crush and solitaire, but self-sabotage is not the game I want to play with myself!

Okay, I admit it, I am a people pleasing, comfort eating, put the other guy first type of humanoid. And I do have a very LOUD inner critic that I constantly have to ignore, but what does all that mean? How could that stuff be stopping me? Is it possible that those silly little habitual behaviors – including the things I do that (I think) make me a nice person, are also the things that are holding me back and tripping me up? Naw, it couldn’t be, could it?

Maybe this is one of those areas of life where it’s waaaay easier to see where someone else is screwing up than it is to recognize where you’re doing it. I’ll put you under the microscope. Okay… sit back and relax, then, while I look at YOU (That’s the ‘global’ you, not YOU you)!

Let me think… what have I noticed, or said to ‘them’ about their obvious bouts of ‘self-defeating doings’? It’s so much easier to recognize that stuff when someone else is doing it.

“By the time I got there the job was taken.”

You might have gotten the job if you had gotten there a little bit earlier. Remember we talked about you being first in line. (Wait a minute, I’ve done that.)

“I’m so angry at myself for skipping my workout!”

Wait, now you’re going to eat the cupcake because you already blew it today by skipping the gym? (Oops, this might have been me once or twice.)

“That jerk finally called after I waited for three full days, so I didn’t take his call.”

You spent three days hoping he’d call and then when he finally did call you didn’t even talk to him? (Hmm, I may have “cut off my nose to spite my face” a time or two.)

“It’s fine. I don’t need the help. I can do it myself.”

Of course you can, but wouldn’t it be a lot faster and easier if you let someone help you

(There may have been a time or two when my stubbornness got in the way.)

Okay, ENOUGH ALREADY!!! I’m getting it. You don’t have to hit me over the head with a two by four! I self-sabotage. I see that. It’s a stupid game. No one ever plays it with me and I never seem to win! I QUIT!!!

File That Under “S” for Someone Else’s Problem!

It’s beyond my boundaries.

You can try, but, honestly, you really can’t save most people from themselves. It’s easy to get deeply sucked into other people’s drama. We all have at least one or two of those folks in our lives; the Drama Queens and Drama Kings. They’re the ones who live in a constant state of chaos. And, like Pig Pen, the Peanuts character who lives under a dark cloud, are perpetually suffering, always victims and always with insurmountable problems… for YOU to solve.

Those folks, the ones who keep telling that same story (with, perhaps, different characters added or a change of venue to keep it ‘fresh and new’) might ask for your advice. They might even appear to listen with great interest. They may thank you profusely and sing your praises as a wise and loving sage. But, in the end, it’s unlikely that you made any significant difference over there at all. They did look like they were listening, but your brilliant words never made it beyond their outer ears.

Don’t be concerned about their inability to really have heard what you said. When the water clears, they won’t really appreciate your interference in their latest crisis, anyway. They may act like they want your advice, but they probably don’t. They may seem to beg for your “aw, poor baby” sympathy, but they probably don’t actually want to change, at all. And, although even they may think they’re looking for your help… they’re NOT!

It’s a wild and wacky Cosmic Joke! They don’t want their problems solved, their emotional addictions and distractions taken away, their stories resolved, or their messes cleaned up. Truth is, they don’t want their lives fixed, not by YOU – or anybody else for that matter.

Why not? Well, think about it. If you did all that for them, what would they have to do? To say? If you nullify their misery and take away their stories (by eliminating their myriad of ‘problems’)… what have they got left? They don’t know and they aren’t ready to know yet. And, hey, last time I checked, telling them was not on your job description!

Call me crazy, but I’m thinkin’ that we each have enough of our own issues to deal with… we don’t need anyone else’s, do we? And beyond that, when we take on someone else’s problems we:

Add to our own stress
Disempower them
Set ourselves up to be used, abused and disrespected!

Looks like the conversation is, once again, about to turn back to boundaries – yours and theirs. If boundaries are, in deed, the demarcation of where your responsibility starts and everyone else’s ends (or vice versa if you’re looking over from the ‘other side of the line’), enforce those boundaries with giant KEEP OUT signs and patrol diligently!

If the junkyard dog invited you inside the gate… to hang out, would you go? Didn’t think so. If Brer Rabbit asked you not to throw him into the briar patch would you agree? Come on, then, impose your boundaries and stop crossing your own lines. When someone who’s not you, hands you a folder marked “Issues for you to Solve”, file it under ‘S’ for ‘Someone Else’s Problem!

Oh, You Don’t Say! I Thought I Didn’t Hear Something.

When he brought me that first box of chocolates – that very first time – I should have said, “Thanks, but I don’t eat candy and I don’t do chocolate.” But, it was so sweet of him and he looked so pleased with himself and I didn’t want to embarrass him, so I just said “thanks” and offered him a piece. On Valentines’ Day he sent me a dozen long stemmed CHOCOLATE roses… and I politely called to say “thanks” – grateful that he’d be out of town and not notice that they hadn’t been eaten. But when he showed up with two-dozen chocolate dipped strawberries on my birthday, I lost it. Somehow I made him the bad guy for not knowing that I didn’t eat candy. No, I never told him… but he should have known! I mean, really, if he truly cared about me… Needless to say, we aren’t ‘together’ any more.

My ex sister-in-law (who is, coincidentally, also my ex best friend) is in a coma and I honestly don’t know why she hasn’t spoken to me (except for a second at her dad’s funeral) since her brother and I split up ten years ago. Though I didn’t call her, I did make two somewhat awkward written attempts to reconcile over the years, but she didn’t acknowledge either. Then I sent a letter when I heard about her cancer and an email when she went into remission. She never responded. Word is I won’t get a chance to talk to her now…

If she had just told me that she was a vegan, instead of trying to be the perfect ‘trouble-free’ guest and cause no hassle, I would have made something that all of us could eat and enjoy. Instead, she said nothing; ate only bread and butter and a little salad (picking out all the ‘bad’ stuff). I felt like the world’s worst hostess and she wasn’t feelin’ so great, either!

He was one of my oldest, dearest friends so I guess I cut him more than a little slack. I didn’t tell him how much it upset me when he changed his plans to do something with me at the last minute or showed up hours late. I guess I figured it was ‘just the way he was’ and there was nothing I could do about it. Besides, on some level, as miserable as it made me feel, I did think that his life was somehow more important than mine. So I just ‘sucked it up’ and said nothing. When I finally did snap (right after I wrote the blog about boundaries – coincidence???) I let him have it with ‘both barrels’! And, by the way, after a bit of a cry, we’re now closer than ever!

My mother (who will be 93 this year) has always ‘just sucked it up’. ‘Guess that’s where I learned to do it. This wonderful lady mastered the art of seeming to be unimportant. Rather than say what she wanted, needed or felt, for her it has always been about someone else. She made herself ‘less than’ so someone else (usually my father) could be ‘more than’. Throughout the last 50 or 60 years, no matter what was going on, she was ‘fine’ (which, I’m sure, is why I detest that word!) and no matter what she wanted or needed, she said ‘nothing’, asked for nothing and generally refused whatever she was offered. I think it’s fair to say that I have developed a tendency to ‘over-share’ and speak my mind as a backlash to watching my mother train others to undervalue and disrespect her. Now, in her ‘twilight’ years, still quietly (or silently) declaring to the world that she is unimportant, she cannot understand why no one seems to put her first.

I admit it, there are those times when, either fearing that I will make an enemy, or make a fool of myself, I withhold. Not wanting to be judged by others, I judge myself and sentence me to silence.

You’d think that we humans would be savvy enough to say what we mean, mean what we say and ask for what we want and need, wouldn’t you? So, what gets in the way? Dr. Seuss knew… “Be who you are and say what you feel… because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind!”

NO! ENOUGH is NOT ENOUGH FOR ME!

People often ask how I maintain my ‘cup is always full’, positive, Susie Sunshine attitude about life… how I seem to bounce back so quickly from even the most upsetting hurdles and setbacks. Sit back and relax (Really, I mean it, relax!) I’m about to share some positivity tools with you!

I have an abundance mindset. I believe that there is ‘more than enough’ of everything to go around. There’s always more ‘where that came from’ – whether you’re talkin’ about love, money, opportunity or sunshine! Your success takes nothing from me. Winning today does not mean that I can’t win again tomorrow (In fact, it’s more likely that I will!). Perhaps this explains why I find the concept of ‘enough’ so annoying. It’s playing so small!

My mindset has a lot to do with the language I use and the words I choose. Enough, as a word or a concept, is just too blah for me. It’s over-used and not definitive at all (In fact, it can mean so many different things, I find it down right confusing!)*. I think of enough as a sister word to ‘good’ and ‘fine’ – two words that, while they may seem to be positive, have sinister undertones of negativity, insufficiency and scarcity. I hear those words and the little hairs on the back of my neck jump to attention and send a chill down my spine. I immediately assume that the person speaking has an unspeakable hidden agenda designed to distort or hide the truth.

When people ask how I maintain my positive, Susie Sunshine attitude about life (and they do), what they really want to know is how I seem to bounce back so quickly from even the most upsetting hurdles and setbacks. Well, my friends, it’s all about the mindset. I come from a place of ABUNDANCE (it’s my source – the well I drink from), and to maintain it, I have a system…

I have an ACTIVE attitude of GRATITUDE for life and what shows up

I openly APPRECIATE the people, things and circumstances that surround me

I share, donate and receive GENEROUSLY

I take FULL responsibility for ME and maintain clearly defined boundaries

I am organized and conscious of the abundance around me

I always have a plan

And, probably most important of all…

I ‘GOOGLE MY BRAIN’ AND ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS!

“How else could I interpret this?”

“What can I do right now to turn this around?”

“What is there for me to learn here?”

“Can I control this?”

“What’s the ‘win’ here?”

And, yes, it also has a lot to do with the language I use and the words I choose. So, I choose carefully. I don’t want to have just ‘enough’. It’s not ‘enough’! I want abundance; plenty for me and plenty to share.

*ENOUGH:

As much as required: “That’s just enough money to buy some French fries.”

Too much: “I’ve had enough of those fries… I’m about to puke!”

Don’t do that: “Enough already! Don’t put another one of those greasy fries on my plate!”

Stop talking: “Enough said, I got it!”

Shhh! Let’s Talk About Money!

I think my parents had more money than my grandparents… but I’m not really sure. How could I know? It’s not like they ever discussed it around the table at Sunday family dinners. It’s not like any of them ever talked about money at all – except to mention things like: Money doesn’t grow on trees. A penny saved is a penny earned. Money doesn’t buy happiness. The best things in life are free. Money is the root of all evil. We can’t afford it… do you think I’m made of money? ) Money was clearly the elephant in the room – and it was spreading to my head.

My teen years were “spent” in an affluent neighborhood. Huge mansions and sprawling estates overlooked the azure blue pacific. Between the parks and horse trails were majestic peacock-filled tree lined streets. The high school parking lot was filled with expensive, late model cars and the lawns were neatly and artistically manicured.

We didn’t have a swimming pool. I didn’t have my own car. We weren’t Presbyterian – or even Christian and I didn’t have a princess phone in my room! I didn’t really BELONG in my hood – know what I mean? THEY had everything. We were missing some stuff… (Only the herd in my head knew just how much was missing!)

Shortly after we had moved to ‘Wonderland’ my mother was invited to attend a League of Women Voters meeting at a mansion “behind the gates”. She came home with quite a story to share. The hostess, upon hearing which area of Wonderland we resided in, said simply, “Oh? The slums?” Yup. We lived in the slums. And now I knew it for sure! My mother seemed to be more amused than hurt or angry. That really confused me. I wanted to go find that biatch and punch her in the face!

Then, unable to physically punch, I carefully designed some life-altering decisions and drew a bunch of conclusions… some about people, many about money – most with little basis in reality – except, of course, mine. (All of them, you’ll note, were cleverly designed to protect me in the future, and none of them were open for discussion. My elephants were not talking!)

My family was poor and no matter how good I thought my life was, it wasn’t that good; it could be better with more money.

We didn’t belong and never would.

People with a lot of money weren’t nice. In fact, rich people were mean.

Men made the money and women lived off of and bragged about their men, so women were stupid and rich women were the worst!

On the report card of life, I was a B, maybe even a B+… not an A. And, there didn’t seem to be anything I could do about it. I was born a B. Raised as a B. Probably destined to remain a B forever. B wasn’t ‘bad’. It just wasn’t enough. I didn’t have and wasn’t ENOUGH.

Scarcity! There wasn’t enough to go around ‘cuz THEY had it all. I looked around and there was never enough. I was never enough. And I was an excellent detective collecting tons of evidence to prove it!

I was ‘short’ not petite.

I was ‘cute’ not pretty.

I was popular but not in the ‘A’ clique.

I was ‘smart’ not brilliant.

I got all A’s… and one B (“How”, asked my father, “did you screw up in that subject?”)

I got an allowance but it wasn’t ‘enough’.

I had a job as a popcorn-selling usherette, but I didn’t earn ‘enough’.

So, you ask, based on how cleverly you buried yourself in scarcity and not being ‘enough’, Sandye, how did you get out of that self-defeating mindset? Guess you’ll have to listen to the Motivate and Activate call for March 3, 2016. I’ll tell you then. If I have ENOUGH time!

Don’t Go There… It’s Out of Bounds! (When Your Personal Boundaries Require Yellow Tape)

There are times when my boundaries definitely require yellow tape. I can be a one-woman, walkin’-talkin’, boundary bunglin’ crime scene! Seriously, I’ve got some work to do on designing, setting and enforcing my limits. My sand needs some lines drawn in it! My fences need mending. My territory needs marking and my barriers need an integrity check!

It’s not that having yellow tape around me would actually keep anyone away or be a warning of eminent danger (there probably isn’t any… well, not for ‘them’, anyway). I want the tape as a reminder for me that I actually have boundaries – even though they’re sometimes ill defined and difficult to see. That tape would serve to remind me to take care of ‘me’ business; define who I am, what I want and what I value. Then, and only then, can I decide what I require and what I can allow, in order for me to be, do and have it all!

For me, wrapping myself up in yellow tape would be like wearing a body condom. Mmmm. I like being safe. I like feeling protected. Look, I don’t require that life be ‘comfortable’ and totally benign. I do like to step out of that zone and be challenged. And yet, I’ve noticed that when I identify a limit for myself and decide what I want –what I need to support my highest ‘me-ness’, I speak that limit and set a boundary.

I don’t like when people keep me waiting more than 1 or 2 minutes. After 15 minutes I’m done and I’m gone.
I don’t tip as much when service is not good.
I’ll spend an extra 5 minutes on a coaching call, but after 12 I’m feeling ‘used’.

WHOA! Did you catch that? I see my boundary bungle, do you? Clearly, the way things are in my life right now… that stuff that isn’t working, not what I want, disappointing or even down right annoying, is truly a function of what I put up with! My life (great as it is) IS the lowest common denominator between what I say I want and what I have been putting up with; what I’m resigned to accept.

Here’s what I “say” I want:

People should be on time. I don’t want to wait more than a minute or two.
I want excellent service and I will tip well when I get it.
I want half hour calls to be over in 30 -32 minutes.

Here’s the reality of what I have:

People around me are frequently late.
I tip a lot for mediocre service.
My coaching calls are often waaaaay longer than planned.

And here’s WHY:

Although I say I don’t want to wait, I do. I wait 12 – 15 minutes (or more) – until I’m really pissed off!
I tip almost ‘no matter what’, even though I claim to demand excellent service.
I don’t ‘mind’ a coaching call that goes 5 minutes over time, and yet I routinely keep going for waaaaay longer – without charging.

Yes, the yellow tape is definitely for ME. It’s a warning to me. If I ever expect to actually get what I say I want, I will have to STOP accepting anything less. ‘Almost’ is not a win and neither is ‘close’. Enough can’t be enough if it’s not truly enough for me!

Quick, I need more yellow tape!

It’s Time to Acknowledge the ‘ELEPHANT IN YOUR HEAD’

You know about the ‘elephant in the room’, right? We have great big elephants in most of our rooms. They are our bigger-than-life embodiment of those juicy issues that might be considered controversial, uncomfortable or embarrassing. The ‘elephants’ are obvious to pretty much everyone in the room, and yet, no one is talking about them. Shhh! Don’t say the quiet part out loud!

The elephants are ignored, avoided and unspoken, and, although they could be the national debt, sexual preference or imminent death, they aren’t necessarily a big deal. The elephant might be the zit on your nose or the inappropriate way someone is dressed. Oh, glorious elephants: Save us from embarrassment! Shield us from controversy! Deliver us from argument!

And then there are the ‘elephants in your head’… The ‘room’ we had been keeping them in was apparently too public. So we invited them inside. And here they serve us well. We all have ‘em – emotionally charged behemoths that beg for recognition like the elephants that trunk-nudge for a peanut. No peanuts for you, Ms. Pachyderm, you, daughter of a wooly mammoth. You we avoid. Get back into the cage that is my mind! I don’t want to deal with you.

So the elephant in our head goes off to its cage… it does not go away. It is there when you drift off to sleep and still hanging out when you awaken. While you are busy not paying attention to it, it is busy ‘decorating’…hanging mental pictures all over the walls of your mind. You may not speak your elephant, but you will certainly be thinking about it.

I broke off a six-year relationship and, even after almost two years, I really, really, really missed him, being held in his arms and our late night talks. We did talk (very occasionally) on the phone – acceptable topics: his dogs, politics, my family – all safe topics. We never discussed “us”. My elephant was looming large, and apparently so was his. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a tusk!

And then, tired of feeling so suppressed, tired of fighting the elephant in my head and literally longing to revel in full self-expression, I freed the elephant. I told him how I felt, what he meant to me and that I loved him. We both cried. No, we weren’t going to be a couple, but we were truly going to be friends. Caging our elephants had kept us caged, too. Avoiding the difficult conversations hadn’t kept either of us safe; avoiding them had brought us stress, dis-ease, sadness and loneliness. Freeing the elephants was freedom for us. Turns out you can get FULL SELF-EXPRESSION… for peanuts!

How do you get down off an elephant?
(You don’t, you get down off a duck!)