motivation

I DON’T WANNA… RESISTING RESISTANCE

Sometimes I just don’t ‘wanna’. There are days when I don’t want to work – though I have plenty of work to do. I want to share my coaching with the world, but I don’t do much to let the world know that I have things they may want to hear. I joined a gym over a year ago and I still haven’t gone for a class or a workout. I don’t want to go to the gym – though I do want to lose those 5 ‘extra’ pounds and my running and daily push-ups aren’t getting the job done. I don’t want to ‘look’ for new clients – even though I love coaching and my bank account would be happy. And I can’t seem to get it together in the ‘find a man’ department, either. I say that I really, really want to, but when it comes to joining on-line dating sites or local clubs or groups… nada! I have made absolutely no move – no effort – to meet a man, even though I know that it would be fun. I just don’t feel like it. It’s too much effort. So, I don’t wanna.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I do want all of those things to happen. I want to speak before a crowd of 1000’s, lose those 5 pounds and fall in love. I just don’t want to do them. I want them to all just occur. I want Prince Charming to ride up on his white horse with fifty new clients and a pill that will give me the perfect body overnight. I want someone to ‘discover’ me and make it their life’s work to put me on stage. Is that too much to ask? Ya think?

So I have the goals and I have the desire… What I don’t have is a plan because my resistance is waaay stonger than I seem to be. Truth is, as I write this I’m not even sure what I’m resisting. And that, my friends, is the reason I chose this topic for the week. My guess is, if I have issues (aka blocks) keeping me from having what I say I want… so do many you!

The journey, then, is to discover what is keeping me from going all Nike on it and “JUST Doing IT”! It’s clearly not a motivation thing. And I’m definitely not lazy. It’s a resistance; some subconscious or unconscious fear that has me absolutely paralyzed. It’s a under the radar thing that is keeping me from being in action and doing what I do so effortlessly in so many other areas of my life… take charge and make it happen!

I now open up the inquiry. Time to ‘google my brain’ and, with the right questions, I may have some amazing answers by my Thursday night MOTIVATE and ACTIVATE call. I can’t wait to share… I WANNA!

Don’t Go There… It’s Out of Bounds! (When Your Personal Boundaries Require Yellow Tape)

There are times when my boundaries definitely require yellow tape. I can be a one-woman, walkin’-talkin’, boundary bunglin’ crime scene! Seriously, I’ve got some work to do on designing, setting and enforcing my limits. My sand needs some lines drawn in it! My fences need mending. My territory needs marking and my barriers need an integrity check!

It’s not that having yellow tape around me would actually keep anyone away or be a warning of eminent danger (there probably isn’t any… well, not for ‘them’, anyway). I want the tape as a reminder for me that I actually have boundaries – even though they’re sometimes ill defined and difficult to see. That tape would serve to remind me to take care of ‘me’ business; define who I am, what I want and what I value. Then, and only then, can I decide what I require and what I can allow, in order for me to be, do and have it all!

For me, wrapping myself up in yellow tape would be like wearing a body condom. Mmmm. I like being safe. I like feeling protected. Look, I don’t require that life be ‘comfortable’ and totally benign. I do like to step out of that zone and be challenged. And yet, I’ve noticed that when I identify a limit for myself and decide what I want –what I need to support my highest ‘me-ness’, I speak that limit and set a boundary.

I don’t like when people keep me waiting more than 1 or 2 minutes. After 15 minutes I’m done and I’m gone.
I don’t tip as much when service is not good.
I’ll spend an extra 5 minutes on a coaching call, but after 12 I’m feeling ‘used’.

WHOA! Did you catch that? I see my boundary bungle, do you? Clearly, the way things are in my life right now… that stuff that isn’t working, not what I want, disappointing or even down right annoying, is truly a function of what I put up with! My life (great as it is) IS the lowest common denominator between what I say I want and what I have been putting up with; what I’m resigned to accept.

Here’s what I “say” I want:

People should be on time. I don’t want to wait more than a minute or two.
I want excellent service and I will tip well when I get it.
I want half hour calls to be over in 30 -32 minutes.

Here’s the reality of what I have:

People around me are frequently late.
I tip a lot for mediocre service.
My coaching calls are often waaaaay longer than planned.

And here’s WHY:

Although I say I don’t want to wait, I do. I wait 12 – 15 minutes (or more) – until I’m really pissed off!
I tip almost ‘no matter what’, even though I claim to demand excellent service.
I don’t ‘mind’ a coaching call that goes 5 minutes over time, and yet I routinely keep going for waaaaay longer – without charging.

Yes, the yellow tape is definitely for ME. It’s a warning to me. If I ever expect to actually get what I say I want, I will have to STOP accepting anything less. ‘Almost’ is not a win and neither is ‘close’. Enough can’t be enough if it’s not truly enough for me!

Quick, I need more yellow tape!

It’s Time to Acknowledge the ‘ELEPHANT IN YOUR HEAD’

You know about the ‘elephant in the room’, right? We have great big elephants in most of our rooms. They are our bigger-than-life embodiment of those juicy issues that might be considered controversial, uncomfortable or embarrassing. The ‘elephants’ are obvious to pretty much everyone in the room, and yet, no one is talking about them. Shhh! Don’t say the quiet part out loud!

The elephants are ignored, avoided and unspoken, and, although they could be the national debt, sexual preference or imminent death, they aren’t necessarily a big deal. The elephant might be the zit on your nose or the inappropriate way someone is dressed. Oh, glorious elephants: Save us from embarrassment! Shield us from controversy! Deliver us from argument!

And then there are the ‘elephants in your head’… The ‘room’ we had been keeping them in was apparently too public. So we invited them inside. And here they serve us well. We all have ‘em – emotionally charged behemoths that beg for recognition like the elephants that trunk-nudge for a peanut. No peanuts for you, Ms. Pachyderm, you, daughter of a wooly mammoth. You we avoid. Get back into the cage that is my mind! I don’t want to deal with you.

So the elephant in our head goes off to its cage… it does not go away. It is there when you drift off to sleep and still hanging out when you awaken. While you are busy not paying attention to it, it is busy ‘decorating’…hanging mental pictures all over the walls of your mind. You may not speak your elephant, but you will certainly be thinking about it.

I broke off a six-year relationship and, even after almost two years, I really, really, really missed him, being held in his arms and our late night talks. We did talk (very occasionally) on the phone – acceptable topics: his dogs, politics, my family – all safe topics. We never discussed “us”. My elephant was looming large, and apparently so was his. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a tusk!

And then, tired of feeling so suppressed, tired of fighting the elephant in my head and literally longing to revel in full self-expression, I freed the elephant. I told him how I felt, what he meant to me and that I loved him. We both cried. No, we weren’t going to be a couple, but we were truly going to be friends. Caging our elephants had kept us caged, too. Avoiding the difficult conversations hadn’t kept either of us safe; avoiding them had brought us stress, dis-ease, sadness and loneliness. Freeing the elephants was freedom for us. Turns out you can get FULL SELF-EXPRESSION… for peanuts!

How do you get down off an elephant?
(You don’t, you get down off a duck!)

I Don’t Procrastinate… My To-Do List Is Just Always Full

Few people who know me would list procrastination as one of my traits. I’m a doer. I know the value of starting and completing. I say what I’m going to do and I do it. I’m on the edge of neurotic about keeping things neat and clean, having my blogs done on time, paying my bills, sending out invoices, picking up the mail and having my toenails painted red. You certainly wouldn’t peg me as a likely candidate for procrastination coaching, but…

There’s that stuff that I ‘should’ do – and I will get to it, really. I know that I have to make it happen, eventually. I’ve been thinking about it. (Sometimes I even dream about it). It’s just not time yet. I’ll deal with it, promise. I’ll be glad when this is off my plate – wish it would just disappear. Someday I won’t even have to think about it any more! I will handle it, really. I know it’s important, but so is all this other stuff I’m doing. My to-do list is just full! And there’s just so much time in a day, you know. Give me time. I won’t forget. It’s on my mental list. I’ll take care of it soon.

And, ‘what if’? What if it’s even harder than I think it will be? What if I screw it up? What if it can’t be fixed? Will they find out I’m not ‘so much’? Will she be angry? Will he be hurt? Would they stop being my friends? What if it’s even more expensive than I imagined? What if the outcome is even worse than my nightmare? Maybe someone else will take care of it. Maybe it will go away if I ignore it.

Honestly, thinking about the crap I haven’t done – and ‘should’ or ‘must’ do – is exhausting. And you just got a close up view of the junk in the procrastination corner of my brain! Nasty self talk that serves only to keep me from doing what I know to do… and despising myself for not doing it.

All of those thoughts pop up… sometimes all at once; loud and irritating! If I really thought about it, I’d probably realize that goin’ all Nike on it (“just doin’ it”) would kill the voices and give me peace. What’s gonna forward me here? Putting ‘it’ off and avoiding whatever fear or pleasure is behind getting it done, or dealing with it and shutting up those damnable voices???

Eventually the voices are too loud, the issue festers and I move into action. Here’s what I find: It’s never as bad as I thought it could be. It’s always easier than I thought it would be. And it feels so great to have done it! So, I got my eyes checked, I changed the air filters, replaced the water filter, joined the gym and finished my book! Dang, that feels so amazing!

Come on… WHAT’s NEXT?

STRESS AIN’T ALL THAT BAD

STRESS AIN’T ALL THAT BAD

By Sandye Linnetz

Most discussions of STRESS generally focus on its negative side. Yes, ‘bad’ stress (aka distress) can be at the root, the cause, of so many problems, but there are other degrees and types of STRESS, too. The question is not “Do you have STRESS”, because the answer will always be “YES” if you are alive. It is, instead, “What kind of STRESS do you have”? (And in a future blog the question will be: How do I manage my stress?)

Physical Stress (head aches, adrenalin rush, indigestion, insomnia – lots of sick days, high energy, quick movement, sudden strength)

Social Stress (feels like all you do is work and sleep, excitement, find yourself withdrawing, the thrill of ‘wowing’ the crowd)

Cerebral Stress (feel brain dead, come to work and can’t even get started, unexplainable brilliance)

Emotional Stress (clinical depression, endorphin release, adrenalin rush, love, addictions – might be shopping or coffee, elation)

Spiritual Stress (joy, feeling of helplessness – want BIG changes, rapture)

So STRESS isn’t really a totally bad thing, then? No… not all stress…

Good stress (aka eustress) is manifest as drive, energy or excitement. It’s what makes you want to get up in the morning and get started on your day. Good stress is what you feel when you are standing at the top of the mountain ready to ski down, when you are about to make a presentation or when you are defending a co- worker. Good stress gave the firefighters at the World Trade Center the energy they needed to rescue people. Good stress gives us the adrenaline boost we need to jump out of the way of the car that ran a red light and is speeding toward us. Other examples of good stress might include physical exercise, mental challenges, emotional elation or spiritual fulfillment. Many or most of the activities that we enjoy, place us under pressure; so, we are technically under stress while performing them. The difference is that we are wholeheartedly – and consciously – choosing these pressures. There is no conflict within – we enjoy the experience of good stress.

We embrace these kinds of pressures and stimulation. Without good stress, we grow complacent, indifferent or simply bored, but with good stress we are constantly growing – we feel truly alive!

In order to know joy, we must feel stress. I experienced joyful stress when my daughter announced she was pregnant… and again when I saw my grandchild for the first time. Think of the best times you’ve ever had; your heart beats wildly, your emotions surge (your adrenalin is definitely flowing) but because it’s a pleasant reaction, we don’t generally label it as a stress reaction. Yet it is. When you go to watch your favorite hockey team play, the adrenalin flows. And depending on which team scores, you experience joy or disappointment. Either way, your arousal rate is very high, your system is pumping out chemicals. You are being STIMULATED! Thank you, stress.

Good stress is the excitement you feel on Christmas morning, or when you see your child perform in a concert, or you get a call unexpectedly from a dear friend, or you smell cookies baking, or you win at bingo, or you hear a golden oldie on the radio that fills you with cherished memories. (Sometimes good stress is good sex, too!) These are all positive healing stresses.

At work you experience positive stress when you are about to deliver a presentation, find out you are getting a raise or promotion with new responsibility, solve a problem, move to a new office, get a new assignment, meet a new co-worker, receive praise, know you did a good job and as you wait for acknowledgement.

We all need a degree of stress to get up in the morning; it is critical to feeling motivated and interested in getting on with your life. And beyond that, and the real reason that we’d never want to be ‘un-stressed’, is that stress has us jump out of the way when we are about to collide with a car or falling object; when we are in danger and that fight or flight thing kicks in. Don’t poo poo it, celebrate it! Stress can do a body good!