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Shhh! Let’s Talk About Money!

I think my parents had more money than my grandparents… but I’m not really sure. How could I know? It’s not like they ever discussed it around the table at Sunday family dinners. It’s not like any of them ever talked about money at all – except to mention things like: Money doesn’t grow on trees. A penny saved is a penny earned. Money doesn’t buy happiness. The best things in life are free. Money is the root of all evil. We can’t afford it… do you think I’m made of money? ) Money was clearly the elephant in the room – and it was spreading to my head.

My teen years were “spent” in an affluent neighborhood. Huge mansions and sprawling estates overlooked the azure blue pacific. Between the parks and horse trails were majestic peacock-filled tree lined streets. The high school parking lot was filled with expensive, late model cars and the lawns were neatly and artistically manicured.

We didn’t have a swimming pool. I didn’t have my own car. We weren’t Presbyterian – or even Christian and I didn’t have a princess phone in my room! I didn’t really BELONG in my hood – know what I mean? THEY had everything. We were missing some stuff… (Only the herd in my head knew just how much was missing!)

Shortly after we had moved to ‘Wonderland’ my mother was invited to attend a League of Women Voters meeting at a mansion “behind the gates”. She came home with quite a story to share. The hostess, upon hearing which area of Wonderland we resided in, said simply, “Oh? The slums?” Yup. We lived in the slums. And now I knew it for sure! My mother seemed to be more amused than hurt or angry. That really confused me. I wanted to go find that biatch and punch her in the face!

Then, unable to physically punch, I carefully designed some life-altering decisions and drew a bunch of conclusions… some about people, many about money – most with little basis in reality – except, of course, mine. (All of them, you’ll note, were cleverly designed to protect me in the future, and none of them were open for discussion. My elephants were not talking!)

My family was poor and no matter how good I thought my life was, it wasn’t that good; it could be better with more money.

We didn’t belong and never would.

People with a lot of money weren’t nice. In fact, rich people were mean.

Men made the money and women lived off of and bragged about their men, so women were stupid and rich women were the worst!

On the report card of life, I was a B, maybe even a B+… not an A. And, there didn’t seem to be anything I could do about it. I was born a B. Raised as a B. Probably destined to remain a B forever. B wasn’t ‘bad’. It just wasn’t enough. I didn’t have and wasn’t ENOUGH.

Scarcity! There wasn’t enough to go around ‘cuz THEY had it all. I looked around and there was never enough. I was never enough. And I was an excellent detective collecting tons of evidence to prove it!

I was ‘short’ not petite.

I was ‘cute’ not pretty.

I was popular but not in the ‘A’ clique.

I was ‘smart’ not brilliant.

I got all A’s… and one B (“How”, asked my father, “did you screw up in that subject?”)

I got an allowance but it wasn’t ‘enough’.

I had a job as a popcorn-selling usherette, but I didn’t earn ‘enough’.

So, you ask, based on how cleverly you buried yourself in scarcity and not being ‘enough’, Sandye, how did you get out of that self-defeating mindset? Guess you’ll have to listen to the Motivate and Activate call for March 3, 2016. I’ll tell you then. If I have ENOUGH time!

Don’t Go There… It’s Out of Bounds! (When Your Personal Boundaries Require Yellow Tape)

There are times when my boundaries definitely require yellow tape. I can be a one-woman, walkin’-talkin’, boundary bunglin’ crime scene! Seriously, I’ve got some work to do on designing, setting and enforcing my limits. My sand needs some lines drawn in it! My fences need mending. My territory needs marking and my barriers need an integrity check!

It’s not that having yellow tape around me would actually keep anyone away or be a warning of eminent danger (there probably isn’t any… well, not for ‘them’, anyway). I want the tape as a reminder for me that I actually have boundaries – even though they’re sometimes ill defined and difficult to see. That tape would serve to remind me to take care of ‘me’ business; define who I am, what I want and what I value. Then, and only then, can I decide what I require and what I can allow, in order for me to be, do and have it all!

For me, wrapping myself up in yellow tape would be like wearing a body condom. Mmmm. I like being safe. I like feeling protected. Look, I don’t require that life be ‘comfortable’ and totally benign. I do like to step out of that zone and be challenged. And yet, I’ve noticed that when I identify a limit for myself and decide what I want –what I need to support my highest ‘me-ness’, I speak that limit and set a boundary.

I don’t like when people keep me waiting more than 1 or 2 minutes. After 15 minutes I’m done and I’m gone.
I don’t tip as much when service is not good.
I’ll spend an extra 5 minutes on a coaching call, but after 12 I’m feeling ‘used’.

WHOA! Did you catch that? I see my boundary bungle, do you? Clearly, the way things are in my life right now… that stuff that isn’t working, not what I want, disappointing or even down right annoying, is truly a function of what I put up with! My life (great as it is) IS the lowest common denominator between what I say I want and what I have been putting up with; what I’m resigned to accept.

Here’s what I “say” I want:

People should be on time. I don’t want to wait more than a minute or two.
I want excellent service and I will tip well when I get it.
I want half hour calls to be over in 30 -32 minutes.

Here’s the reality of what I have:

People around me are frequently late.
I tip a lot for mediocre service.
My coaching calls are often waaaaay longer than planned.

And here’s WHY:

Although I say I don’t want to wait, I do. I wait 12 – 15 minutes (or more) – until I’m really pissed off!
I tip almost ‘no matter what’, even though I claim to demand excellent service.
I don’t ‘mind’ a coaching call that goes 5 minutes over time, and yet I routinely keep going for waaaaay longer – without charging.

Yes, the yellow tape is definitely for ME. It’s a warning to me. If I ever expect to actually get what I say I want, I will have to STOP accepting anything less. ‘Almost’ is not a win and neither is ‘close’. Enough can’t be enough if it’s not truly enough for me!

Quick, I need more yellow tape!

It’s Time to Acknowledge the ‘ELEPHANT IN YOUR HEAD’

You know about the ‘elephant in the room’, right? We have great big elephants in most of our rooms. They are our bigger-than-life embodiment of those juicy issues that might be considered controversial, uncomfortable or embarrassing. The ‘elephants’ are obvious to pretty much everyone in the room, and yet, no one is talking about them. Shhh! Don’t say the quiet part out loud!

The elephants are ignored, avoided and unspoken, and, although they could be the national debt, sexual preference or imminent death, they aren’t necessarily a big deal. The elephant might be the zit on your nose or the inappropriate way someone is dressed. Oh, glorious elephants: Save us from embarrassment! Shield us from controversy! Deliver us from argument!

And then there are the ‘elephants in your head’… The ‘room’ we had been keeping them in was apparently too public. So we invited them inside. And here they serve us well. We all have ‘em – emotionally charged behemoths that beg for recognition like the elephants that trunk-nudge for a peanut. No peanuts for you, Ms. Pachyderm, you, daughter of a wooly mammoth. You we avoid. Get back into the cage that is my mind! I don’t want to deal with you.

So the elephant in our head goes off to its cage… it does not go away. It is there when you drift off to sleep and still hanging out when you awaken. While you are busy not paying attention to it, it is busy ‘decorating’…hanging mental pictures all over the walls of your mind. You may not speak your elephant, but you will certainly be thinking about it.

I broke off a six-year relationship and, even after almost two years, I really, really, really missed him, being held in his arms and our late night talks. We did talk (very occasionally) on the phone – acceptable topics: his dogs, politics, my family – all safe topics. We never discussed “us”. My elephant was looming large, and apparently so was his. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a tusk!

And then, tired of feeling so suppressed, tired of fighting the elephant in my head and literally longing to revel in full self-expression, I freed the elephant. I told him how I felt, what he meant to me and that I loved him. We both cried. No, we weren’t going to be a couple, but we were truly going to be friends. Caging our elephants had kept us caged, too. Avoiding the difficult conversations hadn’t kept either of us safe; avoiding them had brought us stress, dis-ease, sadness and loneliness. Freeing the elephants was freedom for us. Turns out you can get FULL SELF-EXPRESSION… for peanuts!

How do you get down off an elephant?
(You don’t, you get down off a duck!)

I Don’t Procrastinate… My To-Do List Is Just Always Full

Few people who know me would list procrastination as one of my traits. I’m a doer. I know the value of starting and completing. I say what I’m going to do and I do it. I’m on the edge of neurotic about keeping things neat and clean, having my blogs done on time, paying my bills, sending out invoices, picking up the mail and having my toenails painted red. You certainly wouldn’t peg me as a likely candidate for procrastination coaching, but…

There’s that stuff that I ‘should’ do – and I will get to it, really. I know that I have to make it happen, eventually. I’ve been thinking about it. (Sometimes I even dream about it). It’s just not time yet. I’ll deal with it, promise. I’ll be glad when this is off my plate – wish it would just disappear. Someday I won’t even have to think about it any more! I will handle it, really. I know it’s important, but so is all this other stuff I’m doing. My to-do list is just full! And there’s just so much time in a day, you know. Give me time. I won’t forget. It’s on my mental list. I’ll take care of it soon.

And, ‘what if’? What if it’s even harder than I think it will be? What if I screw it up? What if it can’t be fixed? Will they find out I’m not ‘so much’? Will she be angry? Will he be hurt? Would they stop being my friends? What if it’s even more expensive than I imagined? What if the outcome is even worse than my nightmare? Maybe someone else will take care of it. Maybe it will go away if I ignore it.

Honestly, thinking about the crap I haven’t done – and ‘should’ or ‘must’ do – is exhausting. And you just got a close up view of the junk in the procrastination corner of my brain! Nasty self talk that serves only to keep me from doing what I know to do… and despising myself for not doing it.

All of those thoughts pop up… sometimes all at once; loud and irritating! If I really thought about it, I’d probably realize that goin’ all Nike on it (“just doin’ it”) would kill the voices and give me peace. What’s gonna forward me here? Putting ‘it’ off and avoiding whatever fear or pleasure is behind getting it done, or dealing with it and shutting up those damnable voices???

Eventually the voices are too loud, the issue festers and I move into action. Here’s what I find: It’s never as bad as I thought it could be. It’s always easier than I thought it would be. And it feels so great to have done it! So, I got my eyes checked, I changed the air filters, replaced the water filter, joined the gym and finished my book! Dang, that feels so amazing!

Come on… WHAT’s NEXT?

Patience Is Worth Waiting For…

I used to say that I could never work in a restaurant because “I’m a lousy ‘waiter’”. Sitting in a car or a ‘waiting room’, standing in line or out in the cold, holding the phone for an answer or holding my breath for a response all drove me to distraction. Perhaps worst for me was dealing with sloooooow people. I’ve always been quick. I still like quick. Talk to me and you get an immediate answer. Ask me to do something and, BAM! it’s done (or started, at the very least). And, human that I am, it was my belief that EVERYONE else on the planet should be like me. Problem was… they weren’t. Turns out there are people who like to think before they answer a question. There are people who, by choice or necessity, move slowly. And here was the shocker: Not everyone on the planet gives a rat’s patootie about my agenda, my schedule or me! Some people actually have their own issues, motivations and urgent needs… who knew?

My great Patience Transformation started with my son-in-law. He’s a ‘thinker’. There were times when I repeated myself – sure that he didn’t hear. Sometimes he flat out disagreed with what I said. There were times when he was slow to understand. What I learned was that to communicate with him – and I wanted to – I had to slow ME down, see things from his point of view and listen with patience (or blow off a relationship that meant a lot to me).

Then came the birth of my grandson. There is no way to spend time with any kidlet and not have your patience tested. Babies, toddlers and children can try the patience of anyone! But, being impatient with those who don’t do what you want – when you want it; are slow or picky eaters, have to go potty when it’s time to leave, scream and cry when they don’t want to leave, talk when you want quiet time and won’t stay in bed when it’s beddy bye time, is a natural, human reaction… not effective or helpful in any way, but certainly a human inclination. And so, another piece of my transformation began to fall into place. It was much easier, and a whole lot more fun, to cope with the little love of my life when I was serene and calm and unruffled. I like ‘easy’. And I love FUN! Sometimes you just have to laugh at the cosmic jokes. So, I taught myself to lean back into the cosmic humor of watching a child learn and grow.

And now I am the caregiver for my 92-year-old mother. She isn’t quick. She gets confused and forgetful and repeats herself. She hides things and then forgets where. When it’s time to leave the house she can’t find her purse. Sometimes I feel like screaming. I don’t. It wouldn’t help. It would only upset both of us, and hey, this is the woman who taught me how to use a potty (and I can’t even count how many times that’s come in handy)!

Patience Transformation complete!

Sure, I’ve had other ‘teachers’ (Verizon employees and the cashiers at Wal-Mart and Target come immediately to mind). I’ve been on the road with inconsiderate drivers and on airplanes with stinky seatmates, screaming infants and snoring neighbors. I’ve anxiously waited for test results, checks in the mail and cars to be repaired… and I do so patiently. Turns out it makes me happy.

Waiting, when you have a good attitude, isn’t all that hard. In fact, it can be effortless and even enjoyable. Okay, admittedly a quick visit to Face Book or Candy Crush has often played a part in my willingness to wait, but, hey, I’m a really great waiter!

Gotta Love The Foreplay

According to Webster’s, foreplay is an action or behavior preceding an ‘event’. Well, that’s cool. It means life is jammed packed with foreplay and who doesn’t love foreplay? Gotta love the foreplay! It’s exciting, stimulating, arousing and just plain FUN. I know that for me, what leads to the successful manifestation of my passion is thoughtful, committed, passion-filled foreplay. Yep, I’m definitely a fan.

Relax. Resume normal breathing. This is not a sexual blog – well not exactly. Getting ready IS foreplay – regardless of what you’re getting ready for… It’s what we do to embrace the anticipation, build trust and feel connection. It gets us ready for action. It’s a terrific way to find the ‘sweet spot’ in your business, your relationships… in your life.

Today I had a manicure. Now Johnny (he’s my manicure guy) couldn’t very well just grab my hands and file away. First came the foreplay. Would I like water? (Oh, yes, please.) A pillow for behind my back? (That would be great, thanks.) No cell phone in your ear today, Sandye. (Nope, it’s all about you, me and the nails, Johnny.) French manicure? (But of course. You know I love a French manicure.) And I was ‘ready’… so was he.

After my manicure I headed over for an appointment with my eye doctor. I was nervous and that may have been evident – judging by the degree of foreplay that I was exposed to… “Oh, I see you’re back to see Dr. Manning, Sandye. She’s such a good doctor.” (Ah, build that trust.) “Would you like a cup of coffee and a cookie while you wait? Make yourself comfortable and let me know if you need anything.” (Let me know that you care about me. Make me like you…)

Feeling far more relaxed, and a little less pissed that my eye ‘issue’ was not an issue at the moment, the foreplay of good client service had prepped me for a great client experience. A little foreplay goes a long way!

Take note, getting in the mood and getting others in the moo, is vital to creating that all-important feeling of connection and lubricating the path, ah, getting down to business. Oh, you know what I mean…

When I want to super-infuse a project with excitement – and a much greater likelihood of success, I exercise discipline and restraint. Instead of just jumping in, I plan it out, fully prepare before I begin. Foreplay requires discipline, and it’s sooo worth it!

THE CHICKEN HAD A GOOD IDEA!

When I have what I consider to be a really good idea – I mean a really good idea, I create a plan and jump into action. Sometimes this results in ‘a really good idea that didn’t quite work out to be what I envisioned’. My short foray into the world of Yardles (surprise decorating of front yards for all occasions) is still high on my list of really clever ideas that never made it big. Other times the results have been simply off the charts. When I was barely thirty I created a business writing gag lines on latex balloons; decorating with them and delivering them in bouquets. An article featuring ME in Time Magazine and guest appearances on crazy numbers of radio and TV shows attest to the success of that idea. It supported my family for over 30 years!

So what, I’ve asked myself, what made one idea fail and the other blossom into an internationally known 7-figure company? Same creator, generally appealing to the same audience… what was different? Me, I realized. It was me and my attitude toward the project. When people didn’t immediately rush to order a Yardle, I questioned the feasibility of my idea. When one was ordered that had to be done between 4 am and 5 am, the job was turned down. Yardles was a ‘good idea’. Balloon Affair was a commitment.

This gal does not offer up the words “I’m committed” flippantly. When I do commit to anything (a project, person, idea, task or bacon ‘n eggs breakfast) you can count on me – like death, taxes and Trump’s comb-over. I will do it. I will make it happen. NO MATTER WHAT.

No Reasons – Just Results! That’s how the balloon biz grew. I believed in it and I worked it. There was simply no quitting… even when people laughed at the idea of building a business with rubber balloons… even when ‘head’quarters was in my girlfriend’s guest bathroom… even when I carelessly opened the trunk of my car and lost 100 balloons to the wild blue yonder! Stuff happens, right? And when you are committed you just keep moving forward. NO MATTER WHAT.

Commitment meant working every holiday from dawn to exhaustion… because I said so. Commitment meant sticking with it when I was the only worker who didn’t get paid that week.

Commitment meant cutting myself off from any possibility outside of achieving my results.

Commitment meant EXPECTING it to all work – knowing down deep inside that I would not -could not fail. I was 100% dedicated to my company… ask my children who almost never saw their mom on weekends unless they were with her being ‘ballonatics’!

It seems silly to say 100% dedicated. Saying that you can be anything but 100% committed is like saying you’re just a ‘little’ pregnant… Either you are, or you’re not – all in or all out.

MISS-Communication and the MR-y of Conversation

If you have time, I’d love you to try and come over for dinner tonight.” That’s what I said to him on the phone. He seemed a little distracted, maybe watching a game on TV while he offhandedly said, “Sure.” So I made a lovely dinner of roast chicken and potatoes (his favorite)… and he never showed! He didn’t call and he didn’t show. I was furious.

I called him the next morning – still fuming. “I sat here until the dinner got cold, waiting for you to show,” I wailed. “Whaaat? You said to try – if I had time. I went bowling with a couple of the guys and by the time we finished it was after 9 so I went home.”

It wasn’t my first miscommunication (and it is not likely to be my last). Similar incidents are happening all over the world right now… as I type. They are happening in homes, at work, on the ski slopes and at restaurants. What is said isn’t ‘exactly’ what you meant’ and what is heard isn’t ‘exactly’ what you meant.

There’s communication and there’s ‘effective’ communication. Effective communication is simple and direct and requires, among other things, a shared understanding. Ooops, missed that!

If I had been more direct and clear the conversation could have been more like this (and we’d both be happier):

“I’m making roast chicken tonight. It’s your favorite and I want to share it with you. Can you be here at 7 for dinner tonight?”

“Sure. I’m going bowling with the guys and I’ll make sure to leave by 6:45.”

“Great, so you’ll be here at 7 for dinner?”

“You bet. I can taste it already!”

I didn’t want to sound pushy so I gave him a couple of false cues… “if you have time” and “try”. I didn’t mean either one, but I expected him to get the underlying meaning. And, although I wanted to know that he was definitely joining me, I never got any strong assurance – in fact I remember thinking that he wasn’t ‘really’ listening at all. He, on the other hand, focused on the conditional components of my conversation and felt no guilt about not showing up. We both felt misunderstood and wronged.

And so it goes, when you don’t say what you mean and mean what you say… when you don’t ‘check in’ to make sure that your message was heard and understood as you intended.

IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS

An old friend calls – you haven’t spoken in a while – and then… that age-old question: “So, what’s new?” Of course they want to hear the good stuff and we want to tell. We’re quick to acknowledge our big wins and changes; like a promotion, or a new client or job, a new home or car, a child who graduates, gets married or finds a job. I suppose it’s only natural to start with the BIG ones, but what if there are no big ones?

A friend from my past called me yesterday. After we exchanged the preliminary greetings, determined that we were both in good health and that things were generally ‘fine’, I asked, “What’s new and exciting in your life”? (a slight tweak to that ‘age-old’ question.) Apparently the word ‘exciting’ was the conversation stopper. It was very quiet on his end. Then, slowly and quietly – almost ashamedly, he said, “Nothing, really. Nothing. Everything’s about the same.” As if ‘the same’ was a bad thing. As if things had to be different in order to be exciting. As if life couldn’t be considered exciting if the ‘wins’ were small and life wasn’t full of big changes. Hmmm

RE-FRAME time (think political spin doctor twisting problems into wins). So, to punctuate the magnificent of the sameness of his life, I started asking questions. “How are those adorable grandkids of yours?” Turns out they are still the light of his life and you could hear him smile as he told me about the little things they’d said and done that brought him such joy. We moved from there to, “Been to the park with Tasha (his dog) lately?” Tasha is still romping like a puppy, living, loving and licking! Gotta say there was love in his voice. “And what about that vegetable garden? You keeping up with that?” The harvest had been bountiful and some of it was on the Thanksgiving table! From there he opened up and the mundane began to shine as magnificent. The sun, he told me, was shining and warm (even though it was 38 degrees outside), the snow melted off his walk so he didn’t have to shovel – though happily he bragged that he still could. I remembered that old blue letterman’s jacket of his and he laughed with pure glee when he told me that he pulled it out of a box in the garage and wore it last week. It was tight, but he closed it and reveled in the memories. “Read any good books lately?” I asked. He just finished reading Ready Player One and loved it. I read it too and felt the same. “Spielberg is making it into a movie,” I told him, and we excitedly made plans to go see it together.

We talked for a glorious 56 minutes last night. My new car was kinda boring compared to the story about dropping my cell phone in the toilet! It truly was the little things – and there were sooo many of them – that were exciting and funny and worthy of sharing. Yup, those little things made our conversation very BIG indeed.

Moderate Overindulgence: No Shame No Guilt No Harm No Foul

overindulgence

noun: the action or fact of having too much of something enjoyable

Okay, folks, we are now smack dab in the middle of prime O time! That’s O for overindulgence, the holiday horror. We overdo everything in the name of good cheer. Moderation and good sense are tossed out with the turkey bones and used wrapping paper. Where’d we ever get the idea that the time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day gives any of us a license to over eat, over drink, over party, over shop, over buy, over gift, over book or over stress? Look, it’s not just two big dinners and long night of consuming adult beverages… It’s a month and a half of opportunities to make bad choices. Some of us refer to this time as our perfectly acceptable and allowable “cheat days”. The problem is that once we allow ourselves to take a major fall off the wagon, we suffer remorse, beat ourselves up for totally ‘blowing it’ and make New Years resolutions (which are seldom kept) to be better in the future (i.e. eat better, exercise more, spend less, learn to say no). And, more often than not, we repeat this ‘binge and purge’ cycle over and over, suffering the shame and guilt that results from breaking all of our rules. Sound familiar?

Step one is to stop calling it ‘cheating’. Let go of that mindset of dishonesty and deceit. You are NOT cheating. It’s holiday time and your holiday way is different than everyday! Give yourself permission to be joyful and indulgent. You are celebrating… so why not call them Celebration Days?

celebrate

verb: publicly acknowledge a significant or happy day with a social gathering or enjoyable activity

Now define celebration day – what it is and is not. A celebration day is a day to revel, carouse, whoop it up and have fun. It’s all about feeling good and feeling joyful. It isn’t an excuse to break every rule you have and then feel guilty and bad. Nor is it a time to eat everything in sight just because it’s there in front of you and you can… drink to point of drunken stupor… or spend the rent money on gifts and party clothes.

The holidays are about love, spirit and the genuine enjoyment of whom you’re with and what you’re doing. Of course you should celebrate by indulging in your favorite things to eat, drink and do. Of course you should shop, buy, wrap and distribute gifts to the special people in your life. Naturally, you should go to parties and dinners, dress up

The thing to recognize, however, is the dividing line between indulgence and overindulgence. When you learn where that line is… JOB DONE! You’re ready to go out into the world and CELEBRATE! Do… don’t over-do!

To help you keep your overdo-it syndrome in line, here are a few tips to help you ring in the New Year feeling GREAT – especially about yourself.

Regarding over-eating:

Skip every other bite (just kidding). Taste a bite (REALLY taste it) of anything you want. You don’t have to eat the whole thing! Relax, you do not have to be the food police. If ya wanna taste, have a taste!
Drink a lot of water before eating and drinking. This will fill you up – and besides, we tend to think we are hungry when actually we’re thirsty. Drinking water before you start in on those adult beverages is a great way to slow down your intake.
Don’t skip meals to save up calories for holiday parties. It can actually cause you to eat more.

Regarding Money:

Create a budget for gifts, new clothes, postage, whatever categories you’ll be facing.
Stick to the budget!

Regarding Socializing, Holiday Tasks and Life:

Make a schedule that feels comfortable to you – without overbooking, and ample time allotted for each thing you want to do. Seriously WRITE IT DOWN. It works.
Follow your schedule!

Trite and true: Everything in moderation. Pace yourself.