Relationship

So You’re Ready to Cull the Herd… Now What?

cull the herd – NO toxic people!

Culling is very important in any herding operation because it’s how you get rid of those with inferior genetic qualities, those that are no longer productive, and those that have no value being in the herd any more. Each ‘wrangler’ has a unique set of culling standards; some more stringent than others. But in the end, all wranglers have the same ultimate objective when it comes to culling: The herd is to consist of ONLY healthy, productive, value adders . ~Sandye Linnetz, Herd Wrangler

Why don’t we cull the herd as soon as we have the thought, “Something’s not right here – this is not working for me.”? Sure, risking the unknown can be uncomfortable – even scary, but still what keeps us stuck when deep down we know they should go? What has us hold on when it makes us unhappy and maybe even miserable? Why do we allow people to stay in our herd when they not only don’t add value, they actually take it away? Methinks that knowing the answer (which is likely to be different in each situation) will actually spur us on to action and get us to cull the herd.

Here, then, is a list of possible reasons that we stay stuck in relationships that don’t seem serve us. There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned rationalization, so get ready, for ‘excuses R us’.

First the ‘out loud’ excuses that we might share with someone who asks us the big WHY?

The timing is off. I can’t do it right now; but I will do it some day.
I’m too stressed. I have to take care of me- then I’ll handle that.
It might be me. Maybe I’m making too much out of this.
I don’t want to hurt her.
But he needs me.

And now the silent reasons:

But I can’t dump that client, I need the money.

She’s horrible and mean but she reminds me of my mother and that’s oddly comforting.

If I dump her I won’t get to _________________________ (fill in the blank with something like “use her pool” or “hang out with her friends”).

So, my friends, what do you want????

REASONS or RESULTS!

Spring Cleaning Your Relationships: Part 3 – Cull the Herd!

Bad relationship? Cull the Herd!

cull the herd

Literally, to separate or remove (and usually kill) inferior animals out of a herd so as to reduce numbers or remove undesirable traits from the group as a whole.
By extension, to separate or remove people from a larger group.

The usual blog about letting go of relationships, i.e., Culling the Herd, tells the world to dump the toxic and move on… I’m not there. There is value in every relationship – even if it’s just to learn a lesson about what we DON’T want in our lives. I’m not a hoarder, but I am a saver when it comes to friends and family. I believe in giving ‘another chance’… even if it turns out to be another chance to hurt me, ‘cuz more often than not, if I’m speaking from my heart and willing to hear what is being said to me, relationships that once had value for me… can have value again. Case in point:

I turned a guy down and, hurt and angry, he disappeared from my life for almost 40 years. He was a really close friend when we were kids and I absolutely loved him (but not ‘that’ way). Yes, we did have a long ‘break’, but when I extended the friendship flag he jumped to play! And now he’s back in my life and a really special friend again; with lots of great history.

Then there’s this woman (another friend from childhood) who, while not exactly toxic, was certainly annoying, depressive and negative. I take a break from her every few years, but the shared history and the surety that she’d totally be there for me if I needed her, keep bringing me back. And I’m not sorry.

Yes, there are the toxic relationships, too. I’ve had my share. Still, I don’t cut the cord until I’ve given it everything I’ve got. I cherish the people in my life and I’m slow to release.

Consider what your possibly cull-able friend brings to your life. You didn’t start the relationship to be hurt, angry, disappointed or miserable. What did you see that hooked you? For me, a true friend laughs with me and cries with me. We each value the happiness of the other. We respect each other’s principles, and encourage each other to be the very best possible version of ourselves.

If you each do all that (and possibly more) for each other – regardless of what issues you are facing in your relationship now, your friendship is probably worth fixing. On the other hand, if you feel happier, more content and more relaxed without this friend in your life; if it’s been quite a while since the friendship has had value for you and lifted you ‘up’, you have a pretty clear sign that you should go your separate ways – at least for now.

Admittedly, there are some situations where a friendship may be beyond repair and even a ‘vacation’ won’t work for you. If your friend has done something that you view as unforgivable, a deal breaker, it’s unlikely that your friendship is fixable. We all have different boundaries, limits and deal-breakers; oftentimes unspoken. And that, my friends, is the BIG PROBLEM! Know your boundaries and speak them – it will save you a lot of clean up time later! Don’t wait until they have pushed them too far.

Oh, and if perhaps you are the one who has failed to behave as a good friend should and you have tried to make amends and your ex-friend has made it clear that he or she is just not interested in working things out, you need to respect their wishes and move on. Well, at least until you think it’s safe to try for a do-over!

SPRING CLEANING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS: Part 2 When cleanup just ain’t enuf!

Doing a thorough spring-cleaning on a relationship that might need a little dusting off is a lovely thing to do. Both of you – or all of you if you have a tribe that needs attention, get to feel appreciated; happy and valuable. In fact, the sprucing up an otherwise ‘good’ (or ‘not so bad’) relationship is a lot like getting a manicure before you break a nail and really need one. I’m not saying it’s not important or productive to clean it up. It is! No one should be taken for granted. We all deserve to be valued. Personally, I feel great when my nails are freshly done. And I get a little giddy when I actually get a manicure before I desperately need it. Still, it’s not like fixing a broken leg, is it?

It’s those damaged and broken relationships that concern me the most. It’s not just the ones that need a little attention, but the ones that may not even BE repairable! I’m guessing you have one or two in your life right now (I know I do!). We all have a relationship or two that went bad. Might have been a misunderstanding. Could have been a major screw-up. Might even have been precipitated by a divorce or even death. In any case, you know the kind of relationship I’m talking about. Once it was… now it isn’t… and maybe one or both of you aren’t happy about that.

A friendship and, well, any relationship, takes time and effort to develop. So it stands to reason that if seriously damaged, it will also take time and effort to repair. Rebuilding trust is no easy task. And, maybe it’s not supposed to be. If it’s difficult will we appreciate it more? Could be. Some relationships are worth it.

Attempting to repair a damaged or broken relationship by doing some simple dusting and light cleanup just won’t cut it. I learned that years ago when I attempted to do a superficial clean up on one. I ended up getting slapped in the face – almost literally! A one-time best friend and I dissolved our business partnership over a disagreement about integrity. I didn’t think she had any!

After almost a year of angry silence she called and asked me to do her a favor. I was surprised and pleased. I thought that this meant we could friends again. (I didn’t really trust her, but she was really fun to hang out with…) We didn’t talk about the past. We didn’t do any repair work. I drove for almost an hour to meet her and do this big ‘friendship-fixing’ favor. That was my contribution to the repair of our very broken relationship. I actually-and smugly- thought I was doing a lot. She nodded when she saw me, but neither smiled nor spoke. Guess that should have been a clue. With a smile, I handed her the papers she’d asked me to write and extended my hand in friendship. She took the papers and spat on my outstretched hand, turned and walked away.

In that moment my mind was flooded with questions… What was I thinking? Did I really believe that my gesture would work as even a band-aid on our badly broken relationship? Was it even possible to restore our friendship? Did I even want to be friends with someone who would spit on me? Yuck! Was it worth the time and energy or was this a relationship that just needed to be over? And, if it could be patched up, how could that be done?

There are so many things to consider when a relationship goes wrong. What is my responsibility in the matter? Is it repairable? Do I want to keep this person in my life (physically, spiritually OR emotionally)? Am I willing to do whatever it takes to ‘fix’ this? What will it take to fix this?

Relationships are like shoes…

They last longer if we take good care of them.

It works well to polish and clean them regularly.

Some are so special to us that we repair them if they break.

Some we throw away.

SPRING CLEANING Your Relationships

theI determine that Spring Cleaning

It’s that ‘not quite’ time of year… winter is pretty much over but it’s ‘not quite summer’ yet. Here in the desert we’re blooming and the temperatures are pretty consistently in the high 70’s – low 90’s. That’s the good news. The bad news is all about the pollen and the wind – both are at their springtime peak. I’m sure you can guess what that means… nasty allergy attacks and sand everywhere! I really think it was the sandstorms alone that instigated the notion of SPRING CLEANING – and I’m all for it!

This morning, I finally took the time to assess the status of my home – inner and outer, I couldn’t help but notice that it’s time to do some spring cleaning here. There are some things, like the patio furniture and kitchen dish mats, that have served their purpose for me. Those I will donate or discard. Other things, like the automatic trashcan and the washerless garden hose, are still usable but need a little repair work – or maybe just fresh batteries. The windows need washing (okay serious scrubbing) and the deck needs refinishing.

I have some things that are beyond damaged. If I determine that they are downright broken (like my grandson’s blue chair and the door on the garage storage closet), then I will decide to either toss them or keep them. And, if I determine that something is a keeper, I have to figure out if it is fixable… and how to fix it!

Okay, analogy over. Well, almost over… Just like your home, it’s time for your annual relationships assessment. Put on the white gloves and do a walk-through in your contact list. No doubt you’ll be needing to do some spring-cleaning in that domain!

If you’re like most of us, there are some relationships that you probably know that you want to trash (others that you probably should). Like my ‘washerless garden hose’, some are well worth keeping and just need a simple repair. And then there are those we tend to take for granted because, well, they’re always there and, we assume (possibly foolishly), always will be. Those are the relationships that require our most diligent cleanup of all. Take the time to spruced up and spit polish them. Make it obvious to them, us and anyone else who happens to be around, that this relationship is cherished. Do some deep cleaning. Vacuum up the dust balls and polish ‘til shiny; (you might even have to don the long plastic gloves and scrub the toilets – so to speak).

As with most tasks, getting started is the often the hardest part. Enjoy the process of cleaning up ‘your act’ and your relationships. Cherish the time you use for spring-cleaning, it will change your life. And be nice to yourself, too. Take it one relationship at a time and bathe in the glow of your like-new, cleaner, shiny relationships.