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OBSTACLES, INFLUENCE AND CURIOSITY, OH MY!

By Sandye Linnetz

I was asked some very interesting questions today in preparation for a radio interview. So interesting that I thought I’d share them – and my answers – with you. You could say that this was my personal “What Do I Say?” for today. I’m generally so busy asking questions that just allowing myself the time to ‘ponder’ the answers (particularly because they were my answers) was quite the thought-provoking exercise for me, so…

If you’re ready for a little ‘workout’ yourself, consider how you might answer them (and feel free to share; either here or in the Facebook group). Here they are – very slightly paraphrased and followed by my answers:

Question #1: When faced with obstacles what keeps you going?

I’m a master re-framer with a ‘glass is full’ attitude about life! I expect miracles, so I find them. When I wake up in the morning I don’t tend to worry or ‘wonder’ about what the day will bring, I’m far more likely to design it and step into my creation! When I make up stuff (as we all do), I tend to make up really good stuff! Obstacles are learning opportunities and I love puzzles, games and problem solving. How can we not stop going when the game is on?

Question #2: Other than a coach, who has influenced you the most?

Easy question (though there are multiple answers). I’ll go with: my mother. Fifty plus years ago I remember her telling me that she had a great idea for a business. She believed that most people were hungry for someone to listen to them, and since she was a good listener, she should set up a phone line just for people to call in and talk… and she’d listen. People, she told me, want to talk about themselves; what they think, how they feel. Everyone wants to feel heard and be visible. Although she never took it on as a business, she did practice it ad infinitum. She’s that woman who makes new best friends wherever she goes. She loves people and loves to hear their stories.

That idea sat in the back reaches of my spirit for years – didn’t even realize that I was actually creating a business in line with what she had taught me as a child.

Question #3: How has curiosity played a role in your business/life?

I don’t claim to have all the answers, I only promise to seek them out! And that urge to know something, my natural curiosity, leads me to astounding people, places, ideas and opportunities. Curiosity compels me to find out – both if what I think is so, is actually so, and, if it isn’t, what is?

Many things in life delight me, none so much as learning something I didn’t know and didn’t even know that I didn’t know! Learning is a huge turn on for me and curiosity is the door to learning. My favorite curiosity quote comes from the amazing wit of Dorothy Parker: The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity!

WHO YA GONNA CALL? RUT BUSTERS!

WHO YA GONNA CALL? RUT BUSTERS!

By Sandye Linnetz

My daughter brilliantly invented New Food Friday to get my grandson to try new foods. It’s a pretty simple concept… every Friday some formerly foreign food (I just love alliteration.) is introduced to his 4-year old diet. He tries it, evaluates it and determines if it’s something he’d like to have again. He loves the game and most of the new things he tries. Yes, it is a game of sight, smell, texture and taste, and it’s so much more!

In a bigger sense I call New Food Friday the RUT BUSTER! We’ve all felt like we were ‘stuck in a rut’ at some time, haven’t we? It’s an all too familiar situation; an idiom for being bogged down in life – maybe just one area of life; in a boring place that never changes (and seems like it never will). For my grandson it was a food rut. Boy cannot live by mac and cheese alone!

As I do my own personal rut quest (Go ahead, take notes and you can go on your own quest.), I notice that I have some pretty rigid routines. That’s not where I’m stuck, though. Routine is different from rut… unless that routine is boring, predictable, repetitive and a dead end. So where do I look to discover if and where I’m stuck? Hmmm. Well, where do I not have the results I want? (Good place to start looking.) Where am I feeling resigned – as in hopelessly accepting? In what situation do I hear myself say: “Oh well, it is what it is.” What am I doing – or not doing – when that little voice in my head screams: “Again??!!! You’re in this ^%$# situation again”?

And, as I listen for ‘rut-speak’, the somewhat stoic, fatalistic I can’t really do anything about it anyway attitude that will surely follow a bout of resignation, I hear: “It’s okay like this.” “It’s not that bad.” And then, for you Suzie Cream Cheeses out there (it takes one to know one) – the most telling phrase of all: “I’m FINE.” Fine is the ultimate F word!

Let your intuition be your guide. It will let you know when and where you need a change. It may even give you clues about what direction to take.

And, that’s when I notice, OUCH! in the area of romance… I need a NEW FOOD FRIDAY!

So, what do you think about NEW MAN MONDAY????

SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION: THE GAME THE WHOLE WORLD CAN PLAY

SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION: THE GAME THE WHOLE WORLD CAN PLAY

By Sandye Linnetz

Six degrees of separation is for real! It’s pretty astounding (and kind of overwhelming) to think about being just 6 connections (well, more like 6.6 connections) away from ANYONE and EVERYONE on the planet. Our social networks connect the whole world. Of course I’m including those on the internet like face book and linked in, but I couldn’t leave out clubs, teams, schools, religious organizations, book clubs, sewing circles…

I know you’re tempted to prove this for yourself and connect with the Pope or Lady Gaga right now, and based on the research, you probably can, but please wait three minutes and read on…

“…the oft-cited report that people are separated by “six degrees of separation” and (we) find that the average path length is 6.6.” http://research.microsoft.com/apps/pubs/default.aspx?id=70389

Our lives are filled with social networking opportunities, and the more you participate, the more you connect. There is an assumption here that, like me, connection is something that you value.

I did my ‘Google research’, and the results suggest that Facebook use (e.g. belonging to – and participating in groups like What Do I Say? What Do I Do?) actually provide us with the opportunity to develop and maintain real social connectedness and relationships. Even more important to me is that this connectedness has been associated with lower depression and anxiety, better general health and an overall greater satisfaction with one’s life.

That, by the way, is one of the main reasons that I started the What Do I Say? What Do I Do? group; it’s a forum for connecting and sharing. When you participate – and invite others to do so with you – you are growing your circle and theirs (and mine!). It’s both engaging and fun to post a question or situation that others may also be anxious to address.

I’m a mindset and accountability coach. It’s my passion. I’m all about engaging with you on any level. Whether you have a serious concern like “What do I do when my child is about to make an obviously bad decision?” or a seemingly frivolous one like “My friend has an annoying habit of belching in public”, you can bet your karma that you’re not alone in the inquiry! That’s why we post ‘out loud’ and request opinions – or coaching – from others.

Okay, I’m done for today… go connect with the Dalai Lama.

ACUTE HYGIENIC ARREST: ARE YOU A POTENTIAL VICTIM?

By Sandye Linnetz

Okay, here’s a topic that really STINKS! Telling someone that they have nasty body odor – or bad breath – can be unbelievably uncomfortable, right? You want to tell them but, ooooh… how do you do that without being a real jerk? We know that WE would want to know (if it was us)… and yet, we’d be so embarrassed to hear it. So, What Do You Say? What Do You Do? when someone near you (and possibly dear to you) smells bad?

Go with the thought that you’d want to know about it, if it was you. I like to say that I’m that friend who will tell you if you have spinach on your teeth, and I cultivate friendships with like-minded folks. Close friend or not, being direct and honest works! Now, when I say direct and honest, it doesn’t have to live and in-person. If you want an easy out, consider a bottle of mouthwash and a short “you need this” note left on the doorstep. But, in any case, don’t do the hint drop – it doesn’t work! Tell it like it is.

You can even tell the ‘offensive’ one that you’re concerned about a possible medical issue like a mouth infection or blocked sweat glands. I wouldn’t go with the Acute Hygienic Arrest… the humor might go unnoticed. And, remember it’s more about ‘how’ you say it that the exact words you choose. Be nice. Tell the BO Babe that because she’s always so neat and clean you know it’s not a hygiene issue and that’s why you’re so concerned. Mention to him that smelling good is a chick magnet and you’ve got his back. Soften the blow with a compliment.

But wait, there’s more… real life examples from Sandyeland:

Relative with bad breath: “Hey, I’m worried about you. Your mouth doesn’t smell ‘minty fresh’… could you have a gum disease or something’? That actually started a very honest conversation about offensive smells!

Close friend with an underarm issue: “Okay, who smells like dead rats? Is that me or you? (After sniffing at each other, she went to shower).

Employee with bad body odor (and everyone was complaining) – Knowing that others were complaining would have been waaay to embarrassing for her, so I called her into my office and said that I had a ‘tough one’ to discuss with her – tough for both of us! After assuring her that her job was not in jeopardy (and telling her two or three things she was doing really well), I simply said: “You’re undoubtedly not aware of it, but I’ve noticed an unpleasant odor when I get close to you. I brought in some stuff that I think might help.” In a brown bag I had soap, deodorant and cologne, which I explained would be kept in the bathroom at work… for anyone at anytime. I neither required nor expected her to respond other than with a quiet “thanks” – which she did.

And my favorite (for it’s straightforward – No holds barred honesty): “You want to get into my bed? Go wash your feet. They stink!”

You just say, (Deep breath for courage and jump right in.) “Look,” (if the person is a visual communicator*) or “Listen, (for the auditory*) I’m going to tell you something that I would want you to tell me. It might not be easy to hear and it’s certainly tough to say… Your {fill in the blank} doesn’t smell good. Maybe it has to do with a {insert possible medical condition here}. I’m no doctor (unless, of course, you actually are a doctor, in which case you shouldn’t say this), but you might want to check it out with yours.” Yes, they may be embarrassed, but not permanently. You’ll get through it and they’ll get over it.

Note: Real friends report bad breath, flies that are open, chin hairs, boogers, and anything else** that might be humiliating on a first date or when meeting the president for the first time!

*More on listening styles in another blog…

** if you’re over 50, add bra straps and slips showing

YOU CAN’T WIN IF YOU DON’T PLAY!

YOU CAN’T WIN IF YOU DON’T PLAY!

By Sandye Linnetz

Participation is what gets you outta bed, into the shower and ready to face the day with enthusiasm. If life is a game, it’s a team sport and you, my friend, can participate as a player or a spectator – you choose!

Spectators can enjoy a good game. They can cheer and jeer, eat popcorn and drink a cold one. Some spectators are devoted fans that dress like their favorite players. Some even paint their faces in team colors. Fans have really cool tailgate parties and hats and posters and other valuable stuff. They joyfully bark their great advice to the players and hurl insults at the coaches. Spectators can even show up late and leave early. It’s cool to be a spectator, huh?

Players, on the other hand, get paid to do what they love, while fans just get to watch and pay them more. Life is happening out on the field. Only players have power in the game. Why be in the stands watching to see how the game unfolds instead of being out on the field with the team planning and playing?

You can pat the winners on their backs or have your back patted… Face your fears and go for the glory or play it safe on the bleachers. There’s no right and no wrong here. What do you want? To imitate or be imitated? Safety or the opportunity to test your mettle? To play or to watch? To go for the gold or go for the hot dogs?

When it comes to on-line groups – like “What Do I Say? What Do I Do? – your participation truly matters – when you jump in and share your thoughts, opinions and questions or simply ‘like’ what someone else says or does, you’re on the team and the game keeps evolving. If you like the ‘game’, say so… that’s participation and it creates a domino effect that keeps the action going. If there are no players, there is no game.

You have a thought. You have an opinion. Miracles occur when you share them. You never know whom you will touch or the difference you can make in someone else’s life. And, in that same game, if they don’t let you know they ‘heard you’ – if they aren’t playing – you won’t ever know! How sad is that? No, no one wins if no one plays.

And now I shall quote the great poet, Eminem (Who’s close friends just call him ‘m’):

If you know the rules to play the game, play
Cause when we die we know we all goin’ the same way
Cause it’s cool to be player, but it sucks to be the fan

Even I don’t have anything to say after THAT!

Parenting Your Adult Children – Oh Baby, You’re No Baby Anymore

OH BABY, YOU’RE NO BABY ANYMORE

By Sandye Linnetz

I have found that the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want, and advise them to do it. ~Harry Truman

I’m a mom. I’ve been a mother for over 40 years now, and based on history (mine – as a child and as a parent) I have developed some rules that, although they may require some in depth conversation, all work for me… most of the time. So, until such time as they work only a little bit of the time, I’ll keep following them. It’s interesting to me that so many of the ‘rules’ on my list are the same rules I live by in other relationships.

For your consideration, here they are – my rules for dealing with my adult children (or at least the ones that I am currently using):

Keep your advice to yourself unless it’s requested.
When you do give an opinion, identify it as an opinion, not a fact.
Always let them know how much you love them.
Be very interested – be marginally involved. Whose life is it, anyway?
Remind them (frequently, almost to the point of nagging) that you’re available.
The child in each of us wants to be acknowledged… be their #1 cheerleader.
Show up.
Keep your word.
Be free with your use of the ‘attaboy’, ‘you go girl’ and ‘YAY you.
If they don’t call and you want to talk, you call… honoring their privacy if they request it.
Get over yourself and don’t take things personally – it’s their life.
Did I mention don’t take it personally?
When there’s an issue, discuss it ASAP… no festering.
Share everything except your .
Learn from your children – and thank them sharing.
You taught them how to use the toilet (and I’ll bet that’s come in handy a time or two) so be willing to ask them to teach you what you need.
Be clear and straight when talking and generous when listening.
Their adult life and decisions may feel like a reflection of you… they are not.
When you absolutely MUST share your brilliance, do it gently and without judgment.
Set clear boundaries and discuss them.
When you give money to your children it is never a loan.
Recognize that your children may not have turned out exactly as you imagined – and that’s okay.
You may not ‘like’ everything about your children – and that’s okay.
Your children may not ‘like’ everything about you – and that’s okay.
Emotional support goes both ways… give it and accept it.
Love your children AND yourself. You can’t be there for them if you don’t take care of YOU!

Okay, that’s a good start. I constantly remind myself that sometimes (not all the time) we humans learn more from our ‘mistakes’ than we do from our successes. We made ours. This is their time. Let them make their own. Just be there if they want to talk about it. And remember… it’s their time, their life and, hey think of a tree…

Maybe you planted a sapling and watered it and nurtured it – maybe pruned it and even cured its diseases. You probably had ‘professionals’ groom and trim it. You sat under it, picnicked near it, danced around it. Now it’s all grown. There’s not much more to do except love it.

NOTE: Yes, this blog is a happy, skippy blog (hey, I’m a happy, skippy kinda gal) and you may be going through something HEAVY. Let’s talk about it and see if any of these ‘rules’ can guide you.

ALZHEIMER’S PATIENCE

By Sandye Linnetz

No, that’s not a misprint. I actually meant patience, because patience is probably the number one requirement when loving or living with someone who has even early signs of Alzheimer’s or other type of dementia. It may be an aging parent, a close relative or neighbor. It may be someone who’s related to someone else… Regardless of who it is in relation to you, all the rules of communication and ‘plays well with others’ go right out the window.

So What Do You Say? and What Do You Do? when you want to exercise generous listening and compassionate communication… and the person on the other end isn’t playing with a full deck, forgets A LOT, has difficulty expressing thoughts and seems to hear you but not understand?

Most of the rules we learned about communication don’t work: there is no reasoning, explaining doesn’t work, confronting can be terrifying and arguing is pointless. Although they may sometimes appear to be nutso, they aren’t. They simply have a disease. They are not testing your patience, trying to aggravate you or from another planet, sent here to destroy the nerves of the human race. They are suffering. They cannot remember… and often can’t remember that they can’t remember. Can you ‘of sound mind’ even imagine what that must be like?

So here’s what I learned today (care takers take note, please)… When elderly people ‘lose’ things it may just mean that they put them somewhere ‘safe’ so they wouldn’t get lost. Problem is, they then tend to forget where that safe place was – or that they ‘hid’ them to begin with… I found my mother’s missing hearing aids – in a baggie under a box under some clothes in a drawer. I found my phone charger in a baggie in her purse. Her ‘lost’ phone turned up in her closet in a shoe. Note to self: NEVER look for mom’s missing items where you think they should be – check the most well hidden places, first! Although patience is personal, the patients’ behavior should not be taken personally. Want more blogs on this topic? I’d be happy to share… comment below and let me know!

YAY YOU!!!

YAY YOU!!!

By Sandye Linnetz

It’s funny how naturally, how often and how easily we acknowledge the children in our lives. Wouldn’t you love to have a dollar for every time you have given an ‘attaboy’ to child… every time you said ‘good job’ or ‘yay’ or clapped with delight at the antics of a child?

My grandson, Max, is 4 years old. Everyone who meets him calls him the “crowd pleaser” because he makes people smile wherever he goes. He’s such a remarkably funny, happy, smiley little guy – spreading good cheer like a warm knife spreads butter. We love that he does that and we want him to keep that outrageous sense of humor and cheery disposition. We also want him to keep trying new things to become more self-confident and independent. To help foster his high self-esteem and positive self-image, we give him lots of positive feedback… lots of clapping and “Yay, Max”! It’s easy to see that it works.

In the Urban dictionary, “YAY” is defined as an exclamation of pleasure, approval, elation, or victory. It’s a fact, ‘yay’ is exactly what we want to say to a little fella who is doing something that we want him to do again.

It was Max’s uncle, my son, Mike, who suggested that a rousing “Yay” (complete with extended hand clap) might also be inspirational for the over 30 set! Hmmm… I have to admit that I hadn’t even thought of that before.

Shortly after this exchange I walked into a restaurant (a very upscale restaurant) on time (not a rarity – but not a habitual thing, either) and my son, “Yay, Sandye’d” me -to the delight of everyone within earshot. Yes, I was a little embarrassed, but, if truth be told, also quite delighted.

Two days later I taught a leadership seminar to top level executives and, as an experiment, instituted the “Yay, and *clap*” with them. By the end of the meeting EVERYONE was doing it! The general consensus was that, yes, it’s a little silly and embarrassing, but, down deep it just feels doggone GOOD!!

It’s instant gratification that takes us back to the happiest times of our childhood… those wonderful times when people liked what we did and let us know! Try it. Let the people around you know when they do something to be proud of… give ‘em a “Yay YOU”. It works!

BUSYNESS is a CHOICE – Part 2

BUSYNESS is a CHOICE – Part 2

By Sandye Linnetz

For people like me, being busy is a choice, not a condition. Yes, we all have the same amount of time each day and we choose how to use that time. I like to stay busy (BUSY, I hear, is the new “fine”). If we’re “crazy busy” our egos get to celebrate our supreme importance. And, come on, who doesn’t like to be supremely important? We probably won’t miss anything even if we’re not constantly checking email and social media, but… why take that chance, right? And, in case we don’t get something done (or done really well or completed on time), we do have a popularly accepted, credible excuse. And in case we don’t want to do something, we have a built in excuse for not doing that, too. We were busy. The question is: Busy doing what?

When busyness is courted as a virtue, we give it carte blanche to be used as a description of who we are and the REASON for what we do and don’t do. I call ‘bull-shit’! There’s no such thing as being too busy to do something you value. If it truly matters to you, you make the time for it. When we tell someone we’re “too busy”, it isn’t necessarily a reflection of our schedule – it’s more likely to be a reflection of where they (or what they need or want from us) are on our priority list. Ouch, that doesn’t feel very good…

Here’s a thought: What if we didn’t gauge the value of our days by how busy we were – or even how productive, but by how we (and those in our lives) feel at the end of a day? If you really WANT to be busy, be busy… I’m going to be busy taking a run this morning. After that I have decided to be busy taking a relaxing shower and maybe even a short nap before I do client calls and writing. I know I’ll be wildly productive because I’ll be busy being grateful, doing good and spreading joy, too! What will you be busy doing today?

P.S. I did it. I ran (though I was sorta busy listening to a book on tape at the same time) and I did have a long and lovely shower (yes, there’s a drought so I guess I won’t wash tomorrow). I skipped the nap but I did at least sit down and do NOTHING for 10 minutes straight (it seemed so much loooonger)! Here’s what I noticed: PEACE and CALM! I got everything done and felt terrific. The only thing I didn’t do was play computer games – no loss there. So, I got busy doing things that totally supported me and had extra energy for the work I FOCUSED on later in the day.

There’s NO BUSY-NESS like slow busyness.

How BUSY I am in None of Your Busy-ness! (Part One)

How BUSY I am is None of Your BUSY-ness! (Part One)

By Sandye Linnetz

“Don’t bother her, she’s very busy.”

“He doesn’t have time for that, he’s a very busy man!”

“If you want something done ask a busy person to do it.”

“Better BUSY than BORED.”

Most of us grew up believing that busy people were (by definition) unavailable, important and valuable people. Being busy, more than a good thing to be, was a condition to cherish; synonymous with hard at work and proof of success. What if being busy just sucks?

I saw a quote (attributed to no one in particular) that referred to ‘busy’ as the new ‘fine’. In the ‘good old days’ when you asked someone, “How are you?” the default response was “I’m fine”. Today the most common answers are: “Busy”, “So busy” and “Crazy busy”! When did we adopt this aversion to free time, relaxation and idleness? We stay ‘crazy busy’ to avoid all of that. Admittedly, I am the poster child for busy-ness. I can’t sit still, I don’t nap or rest or assume the role of couch potato in front of the TV. My father always told me that ‘lazy people’ nap and sleep late – smart people were active and productive. Looks like I bought that…

My father taught me to judge my days based on my productivity. The more I accomplished the better I was! (Today, for example, I got up at 6:30am and by noon had done a work out, a load of laundry, made a fresh pot of coffee, emptied the dish washer, changed the bed sheets, flipped a mattress, watered and weeded the plants, ran three miles, showered, played candy crush and Sudoku, washed the kitchen floor, outlined a blog post, read some emails and the ‘news’ on facebook, had a coaching call with a client, did some internet searching, made breakfast (of course, cleaned it all up) and emptied out all the junk from my car. Whew! I am so proud of myself… and so totally exhausted! Busy is a drug that people like me are addicted to.

It would appear that most of my busyness was productive, right? Well, I neglected to say how MUCH Candy Crush and Sudoku I played… And, yes, I spend waaaay too much time on facebook and those games. Not all of my busyness is business! Often I find myself busy being busy. I start something, move to something else, do something for someone else, make a phone call, go back to thing one, take a phone call, leave it to start a new project… It’s hard to FOCUS when you’re busy! Being busy is doing stuff – not necessarily getting valuable stuff done.

People today wear their busyness like a medal of honor – like being busy means they’re important and worthwhile. To feel truly significant, it seems that we are somehow ‘required’ to be in action all the time – even when doing nothing might be a better way to go. Here’s a thought, maybe doing nothing and totally enjoying it is way more powerful than being ‘busy’ doing nothing. What if the ‘downtime’ actually allowed us to be more productive? In the blog next week I’ll experiment with ‘doing nothing’ (which, if you know me, is a BIG DEAL) and report back.