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When WINNING = LOSING…

I’m a winner. And I do like winning. There’s something about setting out to accomplish an objective and making it happen. The adrenaline rush – particularly when the goal is one that scares me at least a little – is awesome. And, of course, there’s nothing that breeds success like success. When you win it simply increases the chance that you’ll win again, right? When I accomplish a goal – when I have a ‘win’, my confidence and self-esteem take a ride on the happy train! “I think I can” and I did!

Case in point was the Turkey Trot this past Thanksgiving morning. 10k! I did it without stopping. At no point did I give in to that persistent yakky voice in my head that kept shouting, “Turn around now, no one will know”! I’m 66. I ran a 10k… and I lived to tell about it.

There are so many games in my life where I am a (sometimes ‘self-declared’) winner. One in particular where winning doesn’t make me happy. Why not? Simple… in that arena, winning is not gonna be a good thing for me. It seems that I have been the team captain for Extreme Self-Sabotage and my team is a winning machine.

SELF-SABOTAGE is not a sport that anyone can actually win. It’s not even about the competition. There is none. When I play, I’m it. I’m the competition. It’s all about me setting out to subversively undermine all that is possible – all that I can be~do~have. Being successful at self-sabotage (listening to that negative, malevolent, naysaying voice in my head) pretty much guarantees that I’ll ‘win’… which then absolutely guarantees that, finally, I lose.

We’ve all heard that “the only thing between you and everything you’ve ever wanted is YOU”. And, most of us believe that, but you may be like me… and not been able to see where or how you were in your own way. How many times have I said, “ Awareness is always the first step”? Many times, Sandye. Yup… many times and it’s definitely true in this case.

I say I want to be healthy and fit. I profess love and appreciate for this little body that has served me so well for so long… and then I silently screw it all up. Note: Of course I could blame my parents – we all could – we have history and stories and explanations for where our stories about ourselves came from, and, while that info might be very interesting, it’s the PAST and we’re not there any more! Instead of being the victim of my history, I am choosing to be the result of it… with the ability to use it; to be~do~have a life not just worth living, but also worth celebrating! And it started last week… when I realized that another year of my life was beginning and I wanted it to be the best yet.

So, I asked myself, WTF? What am I doing to sabotage myself? And then I discovered: Sometimes it’s what I do. Sometimes it’s what I don’t do. Our behavior becomes self-sabotaging when we attempt to solve or cope with a problem (that we may not even be able to precisely identify), and in the process, we instigate new problems. Like, with the body thing… I lost my glasses about 9 years ago and never bothered to get new ones. I run almost every day but I stopped working out – which I know is what keeps me fit and keeps the extra pounds off. I quit smoking 6 years ago… and have started and stopped 3 times since then. There are days when the only water I drink is when I brush my teeth. Sometimes I run and then come home to bake and eat cookies… ‘cuz I ‘earned’ them. Really, Sandye????

Self-sabotage is a complex, invasive, insidious process, which feeds on our deepest fears and leads us to mutiny; having us rebel and revolt against our more positive thoughts and impulses. Sure, we all make mistakes, but a true self-saboteur keeps fixing those mistakes by top-loading them with increasingly bad decisions.

Okay, I’m starting with my body. I have an appointment with an eye doctor next week. I joined a gym. When that voice pops up and tells me I don’t have to work out ‘today’ or You’re upset. It’s okay to have a cigarette when you’re upset’. I will simply reply:

THANK YOU FOR SHARING, BUT I AM A WINNER AND IF I PLAY YOU’RE GAME I CAN’T WIN. GAME OVER!

With Gratitude that I am NOT a Turkey!

I’m all about gratitude and this week it’s easy to be me! I mean, really, it’s Thanksgiving… almost like gratitude’s birthday, right? This is that day – once a year – where almost everyone gathers around a festive table with loved ones, and is publicly thankful (kinda like the Christians who only go to church on Easter Sunday and the Jews who show up at synagogue only for the High Holy Days). Traditionally, those assembled around the turkey take turns toasting and saying what they are thankful for… health, wealth, family, friends, the first snow, no snow… you get the ‘drift’ (oops, sorry). If you’ve forgiven me for that, read on:

It’s actually pretty great to hear everyone being grateful. It’s contagious and happy and healthy and powerful. When we declare our gratitude we confirm it. Our focus shifts from ‘what’s missing’ to what’s present; and there’s so much good stuff all around. What if every day was like that? What if, instead of complaints and negativity, those around you consistently greeted you with a smile and a catalogue of positive, good news and pleasant (if not down right happy) acceptance of the way it is?

Okay, that’s probably not in our immediate future, so, in the meantime, while we’re waiting, here’s an idea: YOU DO IT! Yup, you. You commit to looking at life through the filters of what’s the good news? and what am I grateful for? – not just for Thanksgiving, but for life! If you must, start small… one “giving thanks” day a month. Feelin’ brave? Try it every Thursday night. Share your meal with friends or family and actually talk to each other at the table! Ban the cell phones. Turn off the TV. Tell stories that move you. Exchange compliments. Note the good stuff and talk about it. Be grateful for the food, the opportunity to eat it in peace – with loved ones – in a safe warm place that has running water, flush toilets and a microwave. Acknowledge the beauty around you and notice all you have. Connect – or reconnect – with each other and gratitude.

And… What if roast turkey* and stuffing with cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes and gravy and green bean casserole and apple pie was served EVERY Thursday night????? Now there’s something to be grateful for…

*tofurkey for those of you who are so inclined

DON’T JUST APPRECIATE…ACKNOWLEDGE!

DON’T JUST APPRECIATE… ACKNOWLEDGE!

When was the last time you really acknowledged someone? I’m not talking about saying “thank you” – even if it was a very BIG thank you. And I’m not talking about offering your appreciation or even giving up some praise. All of those things are very nice, for sure… Acknowledging someone, truly and fully acknowledging them, is not about a quick “you rock”, a pat on the back or a nod and smile. It’s not even complementing them on how they look or what they did. Acknowledging is beyond praise… more than a confirming nod or appreciating. It’s bigger than any of those things.

When you fully and generously acknowledge someone, you see them for who they are, express gratitude for the difference they make in the world… and recognize aloud that they matter. You hear them. You see them. You ‘get’ them. And you tell them what you see!

Acknowledgement is a glorious expression of gratitude that actually makes the receiver’s life bigger by identifying – out loud – the difference he or she makes in the world and creating a picture for them of what’s possible for the future… just because he or she exists! That’s huge.

And, joyfully, you, the acknowledger stands to win here, too. When we get beyond our fears of scarcity (where giving anything may mean none left for us), and our human penchant to give either credit or avoid blame (that whole deal where in order for someone to be ‘right’, someone else must be wrong), we stand in true gratitude and it’s an awesome place to stand! Studies actually show a high correlation between giving acknowledgement and our physical and emotional health. When we let someone know how their very existence creates a future worth living into… we get to step into that future with them! How cool is that.

You have to listen. You have to be present. No judging. That’s what it takes to see whom they are, the contribution that they are – and that they make; and to see how much it truly matters. When you see that and you acknowledge it, BAM!!! The fireworks go off in head and heart. And then, my friends, we have only to express what we see… to describe those explosions. NOTE: This may take practice just like any other wonderful skill you seek to master. It’s worth the ‘work’, promise!

Ready for a practical, real-life example? Thought so…

These are typical Compliments/Praise/Appreciation:

You look awesome tonight.

2. Thanks for inviting me to dinner tonight.

3. Hey, good job on the teleseminar.

And now these are truly GENEROUS Acknowledgments:

You have a flair for color and style that lights you up and pulls others in!
Being with you for dinner is like going to a party. You make everything fun and interesting. I feel so happy.
What an inspiration you were on the teleseminar tonight. You speak with such conviction and passion. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Yes, it is a fine distinction between appreciation and acknowledgment, but, WOWSERS, can that little distinction rock someone’s world. It says, “ I see what you did AND, even more important, I see who you are and I see: that, why and how much… you matter.”

Gift with purchase: When you train yourself to see the magic in others you are simultaneously training yourself to see it in everything… including yourself!

SHIPPING & RECEIVING

A MESSAGE FROM THE MANAGER OF THE SHIPPING & RECEIVING DEPT.

Even in business it’s called SHIPPING & RECEIVING… not SHIPPING &TAKING. And, although the ‘shipping’, or what I refer to as Generous Giving, may be effortless, fun and easy for you – Generous Receiving may not come quite as naturally. It’s doubtful that any of us grew up without hearing, “It’s better to give than to receive.” So, thank you world, I heard it, I believed it and I lived it… I gave easily (still do) and I took. I had to learn how to receive. Now, as self-appointed head of the shipping and receiving department, I invite you to share what I’ve discovered about GENEROUS RECEIVING.

In the past, the generous ones were the good guys (I wanted that moniker), and the ‘takers’ (said with a frown of distain) were, by majority decision, the ones whose mothers never taught them good manners. “She’s such a taker” was, indeed, a label that no one wanted to wear. Takers were greedy, self-centered and maybe even needy. It was never really fun to give them anything – not gifts, time, compliments or love, because they seemed to feel that it was their ‘due’; that the world owed it to them and I was just the delivery girl. If I gave them a little they were quick to expect and frequently ask for even more…

My view of the value of takers hasn’t changed much over the years. And, don’t kid yourself; those self-serving folks still live among us! You can recognize them by their inability to receive anything without acting as if it were their birthright. They literally TAKE instead of RECEIVE!

Get that? It’s a great distinction. To “RECEIVE” implies that something is being presented, extended or offered; to “TAKE” means to remove, subtract or (here’s my favorite dictionary definition) “to dispossess someone of something”! Ouch!

And then, hallelujah, there are those who actually get it… the generous receivers of our planet.

They understand (completely and on every level) that the ‘true gift’ is graciously and generously receiving that which you are given. It’s cyclical; the gift of giving begets the gift of receiving which begets the gift of giving (sincere appreciation and gratitude) which begets… you be-getting it, don’t you?

When we see the ‘gift behind the gift’; the love, the thoughtfulness, the sacrifice and the generosity, and are moved into ACTION, we are generously receiving. In recognizing those things we are moved to GRATITUDE and are GRATEFUL – not just for the actual gift itself, but for the giving of it and the giver. It’s that awesome awareness that compels the Generous Receiver to say “thank-you”, and do it in a way that has the giver be fully and perfectly acknowledged. That my friends, is the true gift, RECEIVING what’s been SHIPPED and handling the ACCOUNTS PAYABLE!

To Give or Not To Give? HOW is the Question!

Look around. There’s a lot of giving going on. Sometimes we humans ‘give of ourselves, ‘give a piece of our mind’, ‘give a spanking’ or ‘give trouble’. Other times we ‘give a hoot’, ‘give a damn’, ‘give birth’ or ‘give in’. Then there are the times we ‘give up’, ‘give orders’, ‘give away’ or ‘give someone a leg up’. And how about you? When you give… just what do you give? And, even more important, how do you give it?

Let’s assume you give gifts and compliments. You do, don’t you? The question is, HOW do you give?

Are you a generous giver? Are you sure? Truth is, while giving is not uncommon, generous giving actually is. “Have a nice day”, “Lookin’ good!”, or “Thank you K-Mart shoppers”, while technically gifts, are of indistinct value and infrequently extended from the heart. Those ‘free’ gifts you get at the bank or the car wash – or the food they ‘give away’ as you meander through Costco, are all on par with the bag of gifty goodies that you assault as you walk through the rows of exhibits at a convention or fair. Did you ever get a gift of shoe covers as you entered a model home, or sipped a cup of coffee or nibbled on a free cookie as you waited for your accountant, doctor or lawyer? Self-serving, yet, they are gifts… They are given with an agenda; perhaps to put you in a good mood or maybe to create a sense of obligation for you to ‘give’ something in return – like business.

Then there is the more personal side – folks who hand out ‘treats’ on Halloween, and those who wrap way too many holiday gifts for people they feel ‘obligated’ to award. You know the situation… you give, but you do it reluctantly, begrudgingly or offhandedly; certainly without joy.

A gift given generously is offered as a contribution (as in gift, not donation). It is something you do because you want to, not because you have to. There’s no hidden agenda, no ‘in-order-to’ plan and it’s all about them and making them happy. There’s nothing in it for you… although, SURPRISE! The return on your investment is often huge.

I now offer you the lyrics of one of my favorite kid-songs, Magic Penny by Malvina Reynolds (circa 1949 -my birth year). My gift to you…

Magic Penny

Love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

It’s just like a magic penny,
Hold it tight and you won’t have any.
Lend it, spend it, and you’ll have so many
They’ll roll all over the floor.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

Money’s dandy and we like to use it,¹
But love is better if you don’t refuse it.
It’s a treasure and you’ll never lose it
Unless you lock up your door.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

So let’s go dancing till the break of day,
And if there’s a piper, we can pay.
For love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

BE GRATEFUL FOR THE PUZZLE THAT IS YOUR LIFE!

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle…

except we can’t look

at the picture on the box

to see that it will all fit together.

~Auntye Sandye

Humor me whilst I do a little Forrest Gump-like thing, will you? Life is like a box of chocolates… except in our case, it’s been chopped up into 1000s of little pieces for us to fit together without a box liner photo to follow, without the surety that we actually have all the pieces, without knowing how big it will be, how long it will take to finish and whether or not the finishing of it will be easy or hard, memorable or regret-filled. And yet, somehow it ALWAYS does fit together, each piece does fit in somewhere and we celebrate the miracle of completion…

Said another way, “There is always a ton of stuff to be grateful for – though sometimes we have to look hard and long before we can discover it.” The best news is that once we discover it, more of it keeps showing up. The more you are grateful, the more you have to be grateful for…

Case in point: My life completely fell apart and it felt like I had nothing to be grateful for… At the age of 58 I was ready to retire and be a tennis playing, volunteering, lunch-with-the-ladies, stay-at-home wife. Then, within the course of only 18 months, I sold and walked away from the joy-filled business I had loved, my husband of almost 20 years decided he wanted ‘out’ of our marriage, my beloved father became ill and died, I had surgery on my knee, a 28 lb. box of books was dropped on my face and a car accident sent me into 8 months of rehab.

Then I read some books on gratitude. You can imagine how well that went over with me. It’s one thing to say “thank-you” for the good stuff in life – how was I going to be grateful for my current situation? I didn’t feel grateful for any of it! I didn’t deserve to have my wonderful life turned completely upside-down. None of it was fair!

Then came the exercise that changed my life. The instructions were simple. Find a quiet place to sit. Close your eyes. Think of 10 things to be grateful for that would not have been possible without the circumstances that you currently define as “bad”.

It was after 10pm… dark, but a magnificent star-filled summer night, so I decided to do this exercise on the patio. I sat there for what felt like hours and came up with nothing. Really, what good could come out of any of this? Then #1 hit me… like a ton of bricks; if I hadn’t sold my company and my husband had not left, I would not have been able to spend all that wonderful, quality time with my father before he died. Didn’t go over there much with my husband. Went there a lot on my own. I got to be complete with my dad.

And, if I hadn’t had the knee surgery there’d be no possibility of ever playing tennis again. I loved tennis. This was getting easier. I wouldn’t have been surrounded with so much love from my girlfriends (and I had never really liked that whole ‘I love my ladies’ scene before). I got my relationship back with my kid brother (who was persona non gratis with my ex). There was plenty of time for me to be with my mom and support her through her loss. And I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy grilled onions in my food (My ex hated onions). I wouldn’t have joined the botanical gardens or realized how happy I felt walking through them…

By the time I got to #45 I was laughing through my tears. What a shift! The more I found to be grateful for… the more I found to be grateful for!

The pieces of my puzzle were falling into place.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO THAT I’LL PLAY CANDY CRUSH…

By: Sandye Linnetz

You know the feeling. I had it just an hour ago. It’s that fuzzy headed, stomach tightening, anxiety ridden sense that you’re doomed. You can’t possible get it ALL done, so what’s the use? Why tackle it? I mean, really, where do you even start? Everything is important. Most of it’s kinda urgent. You promised to finish all of it by bedtime tonight…

So you sit down to attempt it (okay, I sat down to attempt it) and found myself first staring blindly at the computer screen and then beginning to ‘surf’. Even though I know better… even though I tell my clients to eliminate distractions, turn off attention grabbing dings, buzzes and rings and tackle the tough stuff first – today I simply vegged! Unfocused and unsure of what to do first, I started out on what I randomly chose to be task #1 – not because it was the most important – just because. Okay, truth? Because it was mindless. Then, almost immediately, I decided to take a smoke break… Went downstairs and remembered that I don’t smoke anymore. Walked back upstairs to my office and checked my email, facebook and my nails. I moved papers around on my desk. I went to the bathroom. I DID EVERYTHING BUT GET TO WORK!

See, this morning I had this whole list in my head (danger! The list was WHERE???) from business stuff to personal calls and from household chores to weights to lift, but I just couldn’t seem to get started on anything! I promised myself that I’d write three blog posts, work out with my weights for 20 minutes and take a quick shower within the next two hours. I PROMISED! Then I had the brilliant thought that perhaps a quick game of Candy Crush would relax me and get me into work mode. Fifteen guilt-ridden minutes and two levels later…

STOP!

That’s the way it was for me (though perhaps I was a bit more frenetic than the picture I just painted). For a full 37 minutes I did nothing of ‘value’. I was in the process of berating myself and feeling crappy, when I literally shouted: “STOP!” Clearly it was time for me to follow my very wise coaching advice … and a re-frame.

First I congratulated myself on taking the 37minute break that I so obviously needed. I reminded myself that taking care of my needs allows me to be a far better producer! Then, sitting at my desk, I took a few deep breaths, drank some water and began to make a task list. When the list felt complete and the absolutely must dos had been circled, I turned off the ringer on my phone and the sound on my computer and dived into the list – starting with the stuff that HAD to be done. The new clarity was joy producing!

So here I am, blogging away… checking stuff off my list… feeling pleased with myself and the world. I’ll play a quick game of candy crush later!

DON’T FORGET THAT ASPIRIN

By Sandye Linnetz

In case you didn’t read the “Sometimes You Just Need A Good Ole Generic Aspirin” blog post, I suggest you do that now. Hey, even if you did read it, read it again. Come on, it’s not even 300 words – it’ll take like two minutes… and it will be worth it. As a matter of note, it just may be what you need to create a whole new appreciation for your business, your self or those thoughts you keep having that just don’t seem to gel with the current popular wisdom.

In business, having a specific niche (i.e., specialized and specific corner of the market) does make marketing easier. It does make developing materials easier. Fact is, it makes a lot of things easier.

Personally, you having a well-defined niche (a comfortable or suitable position in life) makes it easier to make choices; What will you wear? Who will your friends be?

However, another way to say ‘niche’ is PIGEON HOLE, and personally, I don’t want to be stuck in one! I want the freedom to make choices – in my business and my personal life, without regard to what common wisdom says I ‘should do’! Seriously, common wisdom says dump all the negative people in your life… what if some of them just need a little mindset adjustment, or your loving support through some tough times? Business, ‘they’ say, is about making money… and I have no objection to making tons of it, but not at the expense of my dignity, self-esteem or integrity. I will not make promises (or implications) of miracles that I’m not sure I can deliver – just to get someone else’s dollar.

So, where does the aspirin come in, you ask? Well, aspirin’s niche is ‘anyone with aches, pains, fever, inflammation’… that, at one time or another, is pretty much the whole dang planet, isn’t it? It is a non-specific, generic drug that can make you feel better and perhaps allow you to then choose a specific, niche doctor or treatment for your specific ailment. That’s, by the way, what I do. I am not a psychiatrist (and I’ve never played one on TV) – but I will certainly recommend one, if necessary. Through conversation and coaching I empower people to feel better, see if there’s ‘work to be done’ on a specific issue and then guide you toward finding the best tools, resources and people for tackling it. I am aspirin.

400,000 tons of aspirin are consumed a year… if you’re aspirin, you’re a member of a pretty significant community.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED A GOOD OLE GENERIC ASPIRIN

I am not glaucoma medicine, a cure for gastritis, hemorrhoids, or heart disease. I am more like aspirin – an amazing generic (i.e., all-encompassing, comprehensive, nonproprietary) healing substance with therapeutic and protective capabilities. While it is true that, like aspirin, I have no specific healing ‘niche’ (other than my superpower of disappearing your general ‘aches and pains’ or reducing your ‘fever’ or inflammation), it does appear that I have been proven to be very useful in a wide variety of pretty serious situations that you may encounter (and I seem so basic and simple, don’t I?).

Aspirin is one of the most widely used medications in the world with an estimated 40,000 tons of it being consumed each year… and it’s a generic medicine! Hmmm, it’s a lowly generic AND that widely in demand? Popular wisdom would say that’s not possible. They (whomever ‘they’ are) tell us that we have to market to a very specific niche or we’ll fail. Guess that’s not true when you actually have something that can be used by almost anyone at sometime and by many people, all the time. That’s me… my ‘active ingredients’ are extremely powerful in a multitude of life-disturbing and life-altering situations and can be used for both tough, specific issues and little, annoying challenges.

Some folks use aspirin ‘long-term’ and/or at low doses, to help prevent serious problems. I can be used the same way. Taken daily, aspirin can keep your blood thin and running smoothly… I can keep your mood elevated and your life running smoothly.

Aspirin is on the World Health Organization’s list of the most important medications needed in a basic health plan… I like to think that I am also that valuable to humanity. What I have for you is connection, compassion, conversation, queries, community and coaching. Or you can use me for advice, accountability, finding answers, moving into action and/or sharing your ideas and opinions. I exist to inspire you… to motivate and empower you and to make YOU feel good about YOU! And I do all that while we’re all having FUN!

I am What Do I Say? What Do I Do? – How you use me is up to you, but USE ME.

IS THAT A ‘SIGN’? or just some clouds?

By Sandye Linnetz

I went to bed last night wondering if I should take a ‘day trip’ to LA today. I would be driving in traffic for two plus hours each way to babysit for my 4 year old grandson, Max, and go watch his T-ball game at (groan) 8:00 am on Sunday before heading back on the long trek to my desert home. Oh, sure, I miss his face (I ALWAYS miss his face) and I’ve never been to one of his T-ball games, BUT… Five hours of driving in less than 24 hours?

It seemed waaay too early to get out of bed when I awoke this morning – and I had no good reason to be awake. Hmmm, should I ‘trance’ myself back to sleep? Play candy crush? Go for a run? What should I do with this glorious, sun shiny day? Make that crazy drive or relax at home? If only I had a sign…

For me, signs and miracles abound. They are everywhere, seriously, EVERYWHERE! It is possible to look around and not see them, but I promise, they are there. You know how when you get a new car or an engagement ring – or pregnant, you suddenly see YOUR car (or diamonds or big bellies) everywhere you look? It’s like that. You see what your attention is focused on, don’t you? When your attention is on signs and miracles you notice them. (Yes, there is that whole thing about what you make things ‘mean’, but let’s cover that another time.)

Anyway, after weighing my options, I decided to go for an early 3-mile run this morning. I generally set myself up for success by deciding that:

This is going to be AWESOME because I’m going to feel so good about taking care of my body!

My audio book (or downloaded podcast or Pandora or whatever) is going to rock my world!

And… here’s the IMPORTANT one for today… I’m going to see something that will blow me away. I actually plan this part – not what I’ll see, just that there will be something worth seeing.

If you KNOW there’s something amazing to see, you don’t want to miss it so you look for it, don’t you? When you expect to see ‘something’, you do (well, I certainly do!). I’ve seen pure white lizards, breath-taking mountain/desert scenery, ice sculptures and snow slides (really, in the desert), half-buried coins, blooming flowers, brass spigots and other cool debris. I look – therefore I see.

That brings us back to this morning and my run. As I completed mile two I felt great and still hadn’t made a decision about my possible ‘road trip’. Then, as I made the final turn toward home, I looked up past the palm trees and cactus at the bright, baby blue sky and there it was… my sign. Maybe they were just a couple of clouds – well, they actually were just a couple of clouds, but really? Could they have looked more like a bat and ball? If it’s all interpretation, point of view and story, anyway… that’s mine! I’m heading to LA and a 4-year-old budding Mickey Mantle – with my foot on the pedal and my head in the clouds.

And so the signs. They are always there… sometimes they’re just out of focus. Get focused. Notice. What have you been missing?