re-frame

YES, I AM UPSET… AND I’M ALMOST OVER IT

Being upset upsets me. I like being happy – who doesn’t? And yet, I know that upsets are normal and common occurrences for all of us. Even we otherwise healthy humans get blind-sided by the circumstances of life. It happened just this morning. I had an early a.m. coaching call and the client was a no show. I waited on the line for 10 minutes – after sending a text and a message – and finally hung up.

For most of my early coaching career, that no-show would have dumped me into a state of serious upset. How dare he waste my time? I got up early just to accommodate his schedule and he doesn’t even have the courtesy to be on the call? Not showing up without canceling in advance is rude and disrespectful! Where was his commitment to me (and to his goals)? I just lost 10 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back. Then, the next 20 minutes of his half hour would have been spent with me stewing and blaming him for my misery. That was ‘then’.

Now I handle things like this a little differently. I’ve created a system for handling those times when the unexpected happens and catches me off guard; when someone doesn’t do what they said they would do, when circumstances get in the way of my plans and when something that needs to be said doesn’t get said. It’s my EASE THE UPSET SYSTEM… and it works 100% of the time (when I follow it).

STEP 1: Acknowledge the upset. Sometimes I even say it outloud. “I’m upset. It doesn’t work for me when people don’t show up for calls.” Being upset is not stupid or petty; it is a natural human emotion that we all experience. You have the right to get upset, and every time you do, it’s an opportunity to learn what triggers your upsets… your emotional reactions. Give yourself permission to be upset about whatever is causing you frustration.

STEP 2: Take a deep breath (or two or three if needed) and count to ten. By taking a break to count to ten, you’re giving yourself time to move from being in a state of upset to seeing the situation from a different perspective. Focus on the numbers and intend to create a calm space.

STEP 3: Reframe the situation Turn your negative thoughts – “That was so disrespectful” into positive thoughts – “Sometimes the unexpected comes up. It doesn’t have anything to do with me.”

STEP 4: Google your Brain Ask yourself: How else could I interpret what happened? What is the value here? (and there’s always some value…)

STEP 5: Take Action Your action may be a smile. It may be communicating (to the right person) what your boundaries are. It may be what I did in this case…

Instead of having a tizzy fit, I took a deep breath and reframed the situation from: “That jerk didn’t show up”. to “I have 20 minutes to type up some valuable coaching notes for him”. I saw that HE was the one who lost out by missing our call, not me. I would still be paid for my time. And then I typed up some notes – including a bit of coaching about ‘keeping commitments’ and the power it gives you. I included the date and time of our next scheduled call and reminded him of my policy that “coaching calls must be rescheduled or canceled 48 hours in advance to avoid payment”.

I do get upset. It’s just that I get over it so quickly that most people never even see it happen!

I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO THAT I’LL PLAY CANDY CRUSH…

By: Sandye Linnetz

You know the feeling. I had it just an hour ago. It’s that fuzzy headed, stomach tightening, anxiety ridden sense that you’re doomed. You can’t possible get it ALL done, so what’s the use? Why tackle it? I mean, really, where do you even start? Everything is important. Most of it’s kinda urgent. You promised to finish all of it by bedtime tonight…

So you sit down to attempt it (okay, I sat down to attempt it) and found myself first staring blindly at the computer screen and then beginning to ‘surf’. Even though I know better… even though I tell my clients to eliminate distractions, turn off attention grabbing dings, buzzes and rings and tackle the tough stuff first – today I simply vegged! Unfocused and unsure of what to do first, I started out on what I randomly chose to be task #1 – not because it was the most important – just because. Okay, truth? Because it was mindless. Then, almost immediately, I decided to take a smoke break… Went downstairs and remembered that I don’t smoke anymore. Walked back upstairs to my office and checked my email, facebook and my nails. I moved papers around on my desk. I went to the bathroom. I DID EVERYTHING BUT GET TO WORK!

See, this morning I had this whole list in my head (danger! The list was WHERE???) from business stuff to personal calls and from household chores to weights to lift, but I just couldn’t seem to get started on anything! I promised myself that I’d write three blog posts, work out with my weights for 20 minutes and take a quick shower within the next two hours. I PROMISED! Then I had the brilliant thought that perhaps a quick game of Candy Crush would relax me and get me into work mode. Fifteen guilt-ridden minutes and two levels later…

STOP!

That’s the way it was for me (though perhaps I was a bit more frenetic than the picture I just painted). For a full 37 minutes I did nothing of ‘value’. I was in the process of berating myself and feeling crappy, when I literally shouted: “STOP!” Clearly it was time for me to follow my very wise coaching advice … and a re-frame.

First I congratulated myself on taking the 37minute break that I so obviously needed. I reminded myself that taking care of my needs allows me to be a far better producer! Then, sitting at my desk, I took a few deep breaths, drank some water and began to make a task list. When the list felt complete and the absolutely must dos had been circled, I turned off the ringer on my phone and the sound on my computer and dived into the list – starting with the stuff that HAD to be done. The new clarity was joy producing!

So here I am, blogging away… checking stuff off my list… feeling pleased with myself and the world. I’ll play a quick game of candy crush later!

OBSTACLES, INFLUENCE AND CURIOSITY, OH MY!

By Sandye Linnetz

I was asked some very interesting questions today in preparation for a radio interview. So interesting that I thought I’d share them – and my answers – with you. You could say that this was my personal “What Do I Say?” for today. I’m generally so busy asking questions that just allowing myself the time to ‘ponder’ the answers (particularly because they were my answers) was quite the thought-provoking exercise for me, so…

If you’re ready for a little ‘workout’ yourself, consider how you might answer them (and feel free to share; either here or in the Facebook group). Here they are – very slightly paraphrased and followed by my answers:

Question #1: When faced with obstacles what keeps you going?

I’m a master re-framer with a ‘glass is full’ attitude about life! I expect miracles, so I find them. When I wake up in the morning I don’t tend to worry or ‘wonder’ about what the day will bring, I’m far more likely to design it and step into my creation! When I make up stuff (as we all do), I tend to make up really good stuff! Obstacles are learning opportunities and I love puzzles, games and problem solving. How can we not stop going when the game is on?

Question #2: Other than a coach, who has influenced you the most?

Easy question (though there are multiple answers). I’ll go with: my mother. Fifty plus years ago I remember her telling me that she had a great idea for a business. She believed that most people were hungry for someone to listen to them, and since she was a good listener, she should set up a phone line just for people to call in and talk… and she’d listen. People, she told me, want to talk about themselves; what they think, how they feel. Everyone wants to feel heard and be visible. Although she never took it on as a business, she did practice it ad infinitum. She’s that woman who makes new best friends wherever she goes. She loves people and loves to hear their stories.

That idea sat in the back reaches of my spirit for years – didn’t even realize that I was actually creating a business in line with what she had taught me as a child.

Question #3: How has curiosity played a role in your business/life?

I don’t claim to have all the answers, I only promise to seek them out! And that urge to know something, my natural curiosity, leads me to astounding people, places, ideas and opportunities. Curiosity compels me to find out – both if what I think is so, is actually so, and, if it isn’t, what is?

Many things in life delight me, none so much as learning something I didn’t know and didn’t even know that I didn’t know! Learning is a huge turn on for me and curiosity is the door to learning. My favorite curiosity quote comes from the amazing wit of Dorothy Parker: The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity!

Just How Awful Is Your Life?

By Sandye Linnetz

What do you say to someone who constantly moans and groans and is all about everything that’s missing and crappy in his/her life? Sure, if it’s an ‘acquaintance’ you can probably tune it out and ignore it, but what if it’s a family member or an old friend who you are unwilling to simply ‘disappear’ from your life? Annoying, isn’t it? It’s easy to simply cut the negative people out of your life – and that may be the best choice, but I’m a sucker for the opportunity to empower people to turn it around! So, when you want to empower someone to see life from another perspective, What do you say? What do you do?

I, personally, love to start with sarcasm (it’s my ‘go to’ attitude with family and close friends)… Sarcasm, which, I admit, can be undeniably offensive, pretty much forces someone into ‘defend’ mode and that’s right where I want them. (Remember, we’re talking about habitual complainers not someone with a serious and immediate issue!)

I say, make those glass half empty, doomsday spouting, pessimists defend the junk that they’re putting out. Never mind that they usually can’t defend their position without sounding so nutso that even they finally see it; throwing their stuff right back at them literally puts their nose into their own shit! At some point all of their whiney rants and moans sound ridiculous even to them! Yes, I do START with sarcasm, but I almost immediately follow up with a possibility and an alternative way to look at things:

Me: “Are you looking for more evidence to prove that you’re right about how shitty your life is? No problem. Based on all that stuff, your life really stinks. I am happy to help you assemble the boatloads of evidence – it’s everywhere! Let’s look really hard and find more! It’s so obvious that your life absolutely sucks! You’re a giant sucky magnet. If it’s true that you get more of what you focus on, WOW are you focused on sittin’ right in the middle of a dung heap! The view is hellish from down there, huh?”

AND THEN THE RE-FRAME – POSSIBILTY!

“Personally, my life doesn’t always fit my pictures of what I ‘expected’, either, so I know how you feel. The stuff life can throw at me, the curve balls, sometimes rock me to my shoes… if I let it. What works for me is that I choose JOY and focus on that instead of the circumstances! I’d rather dwell on all that I HAVE and be wildly grateful, instead of dwelling on what’s missing from my life and making it even worse. And, it’s funny how the what’s missing part disappears in the abundance.”

Yes, I am a full cup gal. It works…