losing


When WINNING = LOSING…

I’m a winner. And I do like winning. There’s something about setting out to accomplish an objective and making it happen. The adrenaline rush – particularly when the goal is one that scares me at least a little – is awesome. And, of course, there’s nothing that breeds success like success. When you win it simply increases the chance that you’ll win again, right? When I accomplish a goal – when I have a ‘win’, my confidence and self-esteem take a ride on the happy train! “I think I can” and I did!

Case in point was the Turkey Trot this past Thanksgiving morning. 10k! I did it without stopping. At no point did I give in to that persistent yakky voice in my head that kept shouting, “Turn around now, no one will know”! I’m 66. I ran a 10k… and I lived to tell about it.

There are so many games in my life where I am a (sometimes ‘self-declared’) winner. One in particular where winning doesn’t make me happy. Why not? Simple… in that arena, winning is not gonna be a good thing for me. It seems that I have been the team captain for Extreme Self-Sabotage and my team is a winning machine.

SELF-SABOTAGE is not a sport that anyone can actually win. It’s not even about the competition. There is none. When I play, I’m it. I’m the competition. It’s all about me setting out to subversively undermine all that is possible – all that I can be~do~have. Being successful at self-sabotage (listening to that negative, malevolent, naysaying voice in my head) pretty much guarantees that I’ll ‘win’… which then absolutely guarantees that, finally, I lose.

We’ve all heard that “the only thing between you and everything you’ve ever wanted is YOU”.  And, most of us believe that, but you may be like me…  and not been able to see where or how you were in your own way. How many times have I said, “ Awareness is always the first step”? Many times, Sandye. Yup… many times and it’s definitely true in this case.

I say I want to be healthy and fit. I profess love and appreciate for this little body that has served me so well for so long… and then I silently screw it all up. Note: Of course I could blame my parents – we all could – we have history and stories and explanations for where our stories about ourselves came from, and, while that info might be very interesting, it’s the PAST and we’re not there any more! Instead of being the victim of my history, I am choosing to be the result of it… with the ability to use it; to be~do~have a life not just worth living, but also worth celebrating! And it started last week… when I realized that another year of my life was beginning and I wanted it to be the best yet.

So, I asked myself, WTF? What am I doing to sabotage myself? And then I discovered: Sometimes it’s what I do. Sometimes it’s what I don’t do. Our behavior becomes self-sabotaging when we attempt to solve or cope with a problem (that we may not even be able to precisely identify), and in the process, we instigate new problems. Like, with the body thing… I lost my glasses about 9 years ago and never bothered to get new ones. I run almost every day but I stopped working out – which I know is what keeps me fit and keeps the extra pounds off. I quit smoking 6 years ago… and have started and stopped 3 times since then. There are days when the only water I drink is when I brush my teeth. Sometimes I run and then come home to bake and eat cookies… ‘cuz I ‘earned’ them. Really, Sandye????

Self-sabotage is a complex, invasive, insidious process, which feeds on our deepest fears and leads us to mutiny; having us rebel and revolt against our more positive thoughts and impulses. Sure, we all make mistakes, but a true self-saboteur keeps fixing those mistakes by top-loading them with increasingly bad decisions.

Okay, I’m starting with my body. I have an appointment with an eye doctor next week. I joined a gym. When that voice pops up and tells me I don’t have to work out ‘today’ or You’re upset. It’s okay to have a cigarette when you’re upset’. I will simply reply:

THANK YOU FOR SHARING, BUT I AM A WINNER AND IF I PLAY YOU’RE GAME I CAN’T WIN. GAME OVER!